2013 Royal Rumble Recap

Original Title: Royal Rumble Recap
Original Date Sent: January 28, 2013
Sent to: A bunch of people who were not awake when I sent this at like three in the morning.
Context: WWE eviscerated me and I couldn't help but write an immediate recap. I did not proofread it when I sent it and for posterity I've left it as is.


I write to you with a heavy heart. For the Royal Rumble has come and gone and I feel emotionally gutted. The king is dead. The status quo reigns supreme. I am literally laying on the floor of my room listening to "Everybody Hurts" as I type this. I have no particular desire to relive this, but I will because it's been specifically requested. Let's get this over with.

The show actually stared off pretty good. It wasn't until the last half of the Rumble itself that things went off the rails.

First of all, Antonio Cesaro retained the US Title over The Miz in a fairly decent match. Cesaro showed off some fun feats of strength type offense, but this never really managed to get going. Miz hurt himself halfway through and it felt like they rushed to the finish after that. But, you know, it was fine and the right guy won.

Okay, so then Alberto Del Rio retained the World Heavyweight Title in a Last Man Standing match. This was probably the best match of the night. This was a fun brawl all around the arena with several exclamation point moments including Big Show chokeslamming Del Rio off a piece of hanging set dressing through a table(!), Del Rio dusting off his old lucha spots that we haven't seen since he left Mexico to come to WWE(!), and Del Rio winning after Ricardo Rodriguez taped Big Show's feet to the bottom rope while he had Show in a cross armbreaker. It was a well-worked, fun match that really seemed to capture the crowd. Big thumbs up on this one. At this point in the show Kyle and I were going to town on a baked brie, drinking sparkling grape juice straight from the bottle, and all was right, and classy, with the world.

Next up was the Tag Title match, where Daniel Bryan & Kane retained over Rhodes Scholars (Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow). The match was not great and was the first example of the wrong guy winning. While the mismatched partners thing that Team Hell No has been doing has been fun, this seemed like the ideal time to have them drop the titles and break up (perhaps leading to a match at Wrestlemania). Meanwhile, Rhodes Scholars have been awesome and are perfectly capable of carrying the tag division. The whole thing just felt odd. Maybe it's because I've been reading too much Pynchon lately, but my paranoia was triggered here. The status quo seemed to be on the rise. Daniel Bryan continues to be relegated to being a comedy act. Granted, he's good at it and I've enjoyed it. But at a certain point it feels like his prime is slipping away and I selfishly want him to be in Ring of Honor or New Japan instead.

Somehow the Rumble match was next. And, well, okay. I will try to gather my thoughts.

-Dolph Ziggler enters first. Ziggler is awesome. I want him to win. I know that he will not but I hope anyway. Ziggler has spent the past few weeks as John Cena's whipping boy and made to look extremely weak in the process. It's another dizzying development as Ziggler has all the makings of a top star and yet he is not of the coveted STATUS QUO.
-Second entrant is CHRIS JERICHO and that is just god damn cool. Jericho was last seen losing to Ziggler with his contract on the line. This is a total surprise and the type of thing that makes the Royal Rumble so special.
-Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston, Santino, Drew McIntyre, and Titus O'Neil come out and we're in standard Rumble fare. Some comedy bits, some eliminations, some house cleaning. It's all solid fun. And then...
-GOLDUST!!!! The original Goldy makes his way down to the ring. The best part? Cody Rhodes looking apoplectic...for Goldust is his no-kidding real-life brother (half-brother, but still). The two then spend the next ten minutes or so just whaling on each other and I literally did not want it to end. In fact, I want Rhodes Scholars vs. the old Goldust/Booker T tag team to happen on Smackdown this week. To me, this was the best part and everything that the Rumble is about...an old guy returns, a meaningful interaction out of nowhere, funny, intense, and something that wouldn't happen on any other night of the year.
-A bunch more guys come out, including a returning Rey Mysterio. Things are going well. Sheamus, known as The Great White, seems hell bent on eliminating all the black people in the match. Take whatever subtext you want from that.
-Lord Tensai (aka Albert for you early 2000's fans and Giant Bernard for you mid 2000's New Japan fans) gets eliminated. Then it appears as if Kofi Kingston will be eliminated as well, but he instead jumps on Tensai's back and his feet never touch the floor. He then uses an officer chair from one of the announcers to pogo his way back to the ring. And yes, there is a gif of this (http://cdn0.sbnation.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/7216845/wwepogo.0_standard_709.0.gif)
-The Godfather makes his return, complete with robe, bling, and ho train. He gets in the ring and is eliminated immediately by a Dolph Ziggler dropkick. He then struts right back up the aisle. It is one hell of a two second cameo.
-John Cena comes to the ring and my stomach sinks. I am now actively trying to hold down my baked mac & cheese.
-A bunch of stuff happens. Gradually the people that I want to win are being eliminated.
-Daniel Bryan and Kane tease yet another breakup. Boy that sure would have been great if they'd lost the tag titles earlier in the night. Instead the status quo is once again the order of the day. It's a cute little moment between the two (Bryan knocked Kane out of the ring, Bryan then gets thrown into Kane's arms, Kane teases putting him back in the ring only to dump him on the floor instead) but it is perhaps the last moment of happiness that I have on this night.
-Wade Barrett and the debuting Bo Dallas (who is in the bottom half of the current crop of prospects, in my eyes) get into a tussle and it appears that Bo Dallas will immediately be thrown into an Intercontinental Title feud while far superior talent (including Dallas's brother) await their call-ups. Status Quo. This is getting to be some Empire Strikes Back shit here.
-Randy Orton RKO's everyone and suddenly I realize that Orton is the only guy left not named Dolph Ziggler who I would want to win this thing. My gulp is loud enough to be heard on Staten Island.
-Final Four of Cena, Ryback, Sheamus, and Dolph Zig...oh nevermind, there goes Dolph.
- I blacked out for the rest of this. When I came to, Cena was standing victorious and I come to the realization that I've dropped a lot of money on seeing John Cena wrestle in the main event of Wrestlemania. His face smiles back at me. His dead, company man eyes have traveled thousands of miles through lenses, wires, and satellites to say that Yes, Mike Coast, the joke is on you.

Finally, we come to the Main Event of the evening. The Rock, taking some time off from life in Hollywood, returns to face CM Punk, hero of the educated proletariat. Punk has been the champion for 14 months, the sixth longest reign in the history of the WWE Title and the longest in about 25 years. The match itself was sloppy and disjointed. It had a few good moments, but certainly didn't live up to the lofty expectations assigned to it. The Rock, quite frankly, looked like a guy who had wrestled 5-6 times in the past ten years. Punk may be one of the best in the world, but he's always been the type who needed a dance partner rather than someone in the Ric Flair or Bret Hart vein who could carry anyone to a great match. Things went along and they wrestled their match and the Spanish Announce Table collapsed underneath them and it looked very possible that one or both of them could have blown out their knees thanks to this unhappy accident. Rock finally gets the advantage and is about to hit the People's Elbow when the lights go out.

Now, Punk had been saved numerous times by a mysterious group known as The Shield. One of the stipulations of this match was that Punk would be stripped of the title if the Shield interfered. Well kids, the Shield interfered under the cover of darkness. We know because the announcers told us so. The lights come back on, Punk covers Rock and the champ thankfully retains.

Enter Vince McMahon. Vince says, "No way. You ain't the one that's winning this one, kid. For I know the audience and the audience don't want to see some skinny nerd with tattoos and an appeal to an undesired demographic. Oh no, the audience, the WWE UNIVERSE, wants to see Cena vs. Rock again and again ad infinitum, so get back in that ring and lay down like a good little guy." He actually said he wanted to strip Punk of the title due to interference but The Rock persuades him to restart the match instead. But that was the meaning behind the words, man.

So the match restarts, Punk dominates, Rock hits one spinebuster and one People's Elbow and IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, WHAT THE ROCK...IS COOKING.

Ironically enough, the last time I got this upset over the end of a fake-fighting contest it was when Rock lost to Austin at Wrestlemania 17 in 2001. Once again, Vince McMahon was heavily involved in the finish. Back then, it was as an on-screen bad guy. This time it was as a nominal good guy. It's not just the fact that Punk's reign was ended by a part-timer rather than elevating someone new. It's not just that I've already dropped money on a Rock vs. Cena rematch that I have no desire to see (and worse, a nearly guaranteed Cena win). And it's not just that Punk's reign ended with a whimper. It's that WWE really had something with Punk. It would have involved going off in a new direction and taking a risk. He is the vanguard of the new breed of wrestlers that has emerged in WWE in the last 2-3 years. But instead of embracing what made him different, they've decided to cut him out of the Wrestlemania picture because he will never be what they want. Rather than make new stars, the company relies of the faded glory of the past. Rather than putting their signature feud (Punk vs. Cena) on the biggest stage in front of a crowd that will be rabid for it, they'll instead give us a card that lacks any long term meaning. And they've already got my money to see it.

All hail the Status Quo.

Sorry for any typos. I'm too despondent and tired to read this over again. Time to blast "I Shall Be Released" and fall asleep.