Professional Wrestling Styles Primer

Original Title: Professional Wrestling Styles Primer

Original Date Sent: November 7, 2011

Sent to: The usual group.

Context: This one is a perfect example of my attitude toward these emails. One of my brothers (biological brothers...not one of the "bro's") had gotten into Japanese wrestling. He liked what he saw, but he said something along the lines of how he enjoyed the New Japan Junior Heavyweights and what matches would I recommend. Well...that of course got my wheels spinning. "I should write an email about that!" However, to explain what made the NJPW Jr.'s so special, I would have to go into the history of how the style developed AND the influence it had on later forms of Professional Wrestling. Well, I got so deep down that rabbit hole that I decided to scrap the initial idea and just write about the different Pro Wrestling styles. So I picked out 12...and then it went to 16...and then it further inflated to 20. This is the result.

Hello,

If you are receiving this email, it means your spam filter is broken. I suggest you fix it. In the mean time, here is what is likely (okay, definitely) the dorkiest email yet. And probably the longest. Not the longest yet, but the longest that I will ever write. This thing may crash your phone. So hold onto your hats and get ready for the...

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING STYLES PRIMER

For most, Pro Wrestling is just a fake fight between two freakishly big men. But it's so much more than that! There are several different permutations of how people can fake fight each other. This is a rough guide to navigating the myriad styles of pro wrestling throughout the world.

WWE Main Event Style
Main Practitioners: Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker, Stone Cold Steve Austin, HHH, John Cena
This is what most people think of when they think of pro wrestling. It's very basic "work the crowd, good guy vs. bad guy" formula has been going strong for over three decades now and shows no signs of stopping. When French philosopher Roland Barthes wrote about Professional Wrestling in the 50s, he posited that people reacted so strongly to the in-ring actions because wrestling appealed to their sense of justice. The bad guy did something to knock the universe for a loop and the good guy beat him up to correct it. It's the most basic of human theater. And it's also made WWE into one of the world's foremost entertainment enterprises. Sure, Hulk Hogan isn't one of the greatest in-ring performers in the world. But WWE Main Event style is about connecting to the fans on a more primal level. Don't you love America? So does Hulk Hogan! Boss giving you problems? Live vicariously through Stone Cold! Is your penchant for spitting water in the air frowned upon by society? HHH has no such problem. These matches have no problem with guys recovering from injuries faster than Wolverine, copious amounts of interference, and ridiculous stipulations. This is also a style that is very good at concealing the weaknesses of limited workers. Ironically enough, one of the prime examples of this type of style is Goldberg when he ran roughshod over WCW. And yet when he came over to WWE they were just never able to recapture the momentum that he had during his initial WCW run.
Hallmark Matches:
The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan (WWE, Wrestlemania 18): A perfect example. Barely anything happens, but the crowd is absolutely rabid for the faceoff between two legends. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUrxFzynrjs&feature=fvst
Triple H vs. Undertaker (WWE, Wrestlemania 17): From the best Wrestlemania ever. This was from Undertaker's ridiculous Biker period. This was just before HHH became the most hated man on the internet. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q8-rNkbx_c&feature=related
Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant (WWE, Wrestlemania 3): Again, there's not much to the match if you're watching it in a vacuum. Fortunately it's not in a vacuum, it's in front of 93,000 fans. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPM6Wplm3iM

Southern Style
Main Practitioners: Ric Flair, Harley Race, Dusty Rhodes
The rival form of WWE Main event style in America. The Southern Style is also about building crowd heat and making an emotional connection with the fans (this will be a familiar refrain). But the contrast comes in the personalities. WWE has long been criticized for being a human cartoon with broad gimmicks and outsized personalities. The NWA (the one without Dr. Dre) and later WCW featured characters that were slightly more true to life. As ridiculous as Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes were, they still were grounded in some kind of reality (and yes, I'm aware of the epic awfulness of a lot of WCW's characters in their later years. But to their credit, they usually kept these guys away from the main event). The matches themselves are usually based around the bad guy picking out a body part and just going to work on it. The good guy then either overcomes the odds and makes a big comeback or the bad guy decimates him and leaves him crippled on the mat. The best example is Ric Flair working over his opponent's leg as a set-up for the Figure Four leglock. Another good example is Harley Race punching his opponent in the face until said opponent no longer has a face. The enduring legacy of Southern Style matches is that the tag format is used in pretty much every tag match on this continent to this very day (match starts even with the good guys frustrating the bad guys, bad guys cut off one of the good guys and work him over for a long time (called the "Face in Peril" segment), good guy finally tags in his partner and all hell breaks loose). Trust me, watch any tag match in the last twenty years and it will probably have this format.
Hallmark Matches:
Ric Flair vs. Ricky Steamboat (NWA, Chi-Town Rumble): You could pick any of the three high profile matches these two had in 1989. I picked this one because I was able to find it on youtube. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDRlJFWvEfY
Dusty Rhodes vs. Harley Race (NWA): Just the finish to the match. But you get an idea of how the crowd reacted differently to what these guys were doing than to what the WWE was doing up North. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H99R1QcgbVw
Midnight Express vs. Rock n Roll Express (NWA): This match has the raddest collection of mullets you'll ever see. And it's a great application of the Southern Tag formula by the teams that perfected it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2Z2OkpvpF0

Memphis Style
Main Practitioners: Jerry "The King" Lawler, Randy Savage, Junkyard Dog
Memphis has long been a hotbed of pro wrestling, peaking from a pop culture standpoint as the location of the famous Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry Lawler matches (which actually went on way longer than people realize. I saw a special on it once when I was a kid and it looked like the most awesome thing ever and included Kaufman making peace with Lawler only to betray him later on). The Memphis Style is a precursor to the WWE Main Event style, but with more punching, more interference, and more race baiting. Back in the late 90's, WWE would send their young guys to Memphis to learn that style because it translated so easily to what they did at the top level. I'm not sure that I've ever seen a top-level Memphis match that had a clean finish (that is, an ending without outside interference, cheating, a referee error, or some other shenanigans). Also, if you take a piledriver (Lawler's finishing move) in Memphis, you're dead. You won't appear on TV or at a live show for another month. If you go out to lunch without a neck brace on during that time period, you won't be welcome back in Tennessee for the rest of your life. Certain territories have built up moves like that in the past (Kobashi's Burning Hammer, Hogan's Leg Drop, etc.), but nothing like the piledriver in Memphis (again, Andy Kaufman gets mucho points here for doing his broken neck bit on Letterman).
Hallmark Matches:
Tommy Rich vs. Jerry Lawler (CWA): Typical Memphis. Tons of punches, some blood, and a lot of extracurricular activity. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuYx_R6te3c
Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage vs. King Kong Bundy & Rick Rude (CWA, No DQ): Worth clicking on just for Randy Savage continually walking in front of Jerry Lawler while Lawler is giving an interview before the match. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g_wr21Gp3w
Bonus Clip: Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lawler face off on Letterman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSn-pvZopns

Stampede Style
Main Practitioners: Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Chris Benoit
Basically, this is the style of the Hart Family and the people that trained in the Hart family dungeon (seriously, they called it a dungeon). The name comes from the Canadian wrestling promotion run by the Harts, Stampede Wrestling. For lack of a better definition, this is what Bret Hart used to do. Technical wrestling, exuding professionalism, and having your character be best described as "Serious Professional Wrestler." These guys tend to be from Western Canada, know every move in the book, and have traveled the world twice over before heading to the big leagues. If you're like me, you consider the most appealing part of wrestling to be how the participants tell a story in the ring. If the Stampede guys were a movie, they would be an intense docudrama. If you've ever seen the movie Hunger (about the hunger strike in prison by IRA member Bobby Sands (played here by Michael Fassbender)), you'll remember a scene where all the imprisoned IRA guys dump their piss into the hall (spoiler alert!). This is followed by a very long drawn out scene where a janitor mops up the piss. All of it. Down the whole hallway. In one unbroken shot that goes on for a long, long time. That's sort of like Stampede. It's wrestling in perhaps its most pure form. It is art imitating life. Real life, in all its disappointment and casual horror. This is how, we imagine, George Hackenschmidt and Frank Gotch would wrestle in front of 30,000 fans at the Comiskey Park in 1911. I don't want it to sound boring. It's really not. But there is certainly a refusal to resort to over-the-top theatrics.
Hallmark Matches:
Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart (WWE, Wrestlemania X): A bitter brother vs. brother battle. Like a Canadian Civil War. One of the great wrestling matches to take place on this Earth. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbZL56QEgcE
Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit (WCW, Owen Hart Tribute Show): In a raw, emotional moment in Bret's life, he turned to wrestling and delivered one of his greatest, and yet still somehow cold and stoic, performances. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJCtJyKdy4w

Lucha Libre
Main Practitioners: El Hijo Del Santo, Negro Casas, Atlantis
One of the most misunderstood forms of wrestling. The common conception, even among most wrestling fans, is that Lucha is mostly short skinny guys who wear masks and flip around a lot. This is true to a certain degree. Lucha tends to be much more democratic in terms of who is able to succeed and move up to the top spots, so there is less emphasis on height/weight perfectionism. And yes, masks are a big part of the Lucha tradition. And sure, there's quite a bit of flipping around. But what most people think of as Lucha is embodied by Rey Mysterio Jr., Juventud Guerrera, and Psychosis due to their work in ECW, WCW, and later WWE. But these guys are kind of a style in and of themselves and are much more synonymous with the WCW Cruiserweight style that developed in the mid-90s (we'll get to that later). Lucha Libre is probably the most ceremonial of the wrestling forms. Watching it for the first time is a totally foreign experience (and not because of the language barrier. Japanese wrestling translates pretty easily). It is full of weird submission holds, guys getting knocked out seemingly out of nowhere, and stuff that looks way more choreographed than what you would normally see on American television. But once you're used to the nuances, there are very few things more compelling. Mask ripping, blood, twisting a guy apart until it seems like his limbs will fall off...it's all part of high profile Lucha Libre matches.
Hallmark Matches:
The Torneo Cibernetico (EMLL): Unfortunately, I can't find the legendary 1997 one on youtube. It featured some of the greatest luchadores ever in a 16 man elimination tag match that features some of the most freaked out stuff I've ever seen. It's worth scouring the internet to see it, if you're into that kind of thing.
Atlantis vs. Villano III (CMLL, Mask vs. Mask): The Mask vs. Mask match is always a violent, emotional affair and this is no exception. It was unthinkable for either guy to lose his mask at this stage, which makes the crowd all the more crazy for every near fall. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVETCPDjDj4
Eddie Guerrero & "Love Machine" Art Barr vs. Octagon & El Hijo Del Santo (AAA, When Worlds Collide): The famous Masks vs. Hair match that made Eddie an international superstar, forever colored the reputation of the late Art Barr, allowed Santo to emerge from his father's massive shadow, and, umm, Octagon was there too. Part 1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KJ3jqqVRBs

Puerto Rican Lucha Libre
Main Practitioners: Carlos Colon, Bruiser Brody, Abdullah the Butcher
This is deeper down the rabbit hole than even I like to go. But from my experience, these matches are bloody as hell. And even then they're barely able to satiate the rabid San Juan crowds. This is actually much closer to Memphis style than traditional Lucha Libre (at least from what I've seen). Carlos Colon, the legendary figure of the style, has a forehead even more scarred and jagged than that of The Necrobutcher (more to come on him). Puerto Rico is also where a lot of the crazy guys of the 70s and 80s achieved their greatest fame (such as Abdullah the Butcher and Bruiser Brody). I'm pretty sure Atsushi Onita did a bunch of exploding cage matches there too. Unfortunately, Puerto Rican wrestling's association with violence got all too real when Bruiser Brody was stabbed to death during a backstage altercation with another wrestler (who was found Not Guilty in controversial fashion. He's wrestling's OJ).
Hallmark Matches:
Carlos Colon & Abdullah the Butcher vs. Bruiser Brody & Stan Hansen (WWC, Lumberjack Match): As I said before, I'm not all that well versed in this type of wrestling. But this gives you the feel of what they were doing, especially after the match moves outside of the ring. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9glzWkFUt1g

European/British Style
Main Practitioners: Dynamite Kid, Mark "Rollerball" Rocco, Claudio Castagnoli
The British Bulldog, despite the name, is not at all an example of British wrestling as a style. In fact, despite marrying into the Hart family, he's not really even a Stampede type guy. Rather, he is a purveyor of the WWE Main Event Style that never quite made it to the main event (call it the Intercontinental style, if you like). Real British wrestling is wacky as hell, especially the early 80s World of Sport type stuff. It had rounds. Rounds! Like, they would take breaks in the middle of the match and stuff because the round was over. It seems odd to me that the sports that the Brits are so enamored with, soccer (sorry, Association Football) and rugby, are free-flowing sports with few stoppages compared to their American counterparts. And yet their wrestling (at least back then) is full of stops and starts and has a disjointed feel. Another hallmark of British Wrestling (and European wrestling in general) is that a lot of the holds and counterholds appear as if they're from another planet. For instance, the way that an American (or Mexican, or Canadian, or Japanese...) wrestler gets out of headlock is pretty standard. The way someone like Johnny Saint gets out of a headlock involves a twelve step process that involves stepping over his opponent twice and spinning around in a circle. It's weird and seems counter-intuitive at first, but it's a lot of fun when you get used to it. Oh, and before I forget, Mark Rocco probably has the best nickname ever. If I were about ten thousand times cooler I would insist on being called Mike "Rollerball" Coast. Actually, I wouldn't need to insist. It would just happen.
Hallmark Matches:
Dynamite Kid vs. Mark Rocco (World of Sport): In addition to being an awesome match, this is just so odd to watch. Half the people in the audience look like college professors. If you like this, youtube is chock full of World of Sport stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb_beuE76aA
Johnny Saint vs. Jim Breaks (World of Sport): The previous match looks as if it could have been contested on the planet Earth. This one does not. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZpjqD_E71I

Puroresu
For most emailers, speaking about Japanese wrestling in general terms is good enough. But I've decided to break it down into several more categories. Oh, and if you're wondering about the odd name, it's short for "purofesshonaru resuringu" which is the Japanese pronunciation for Professional Wrestling. Fact of the Day! (not to steal Downtown Nick Brown's thunder)

Strong Style
Main Practitioners: Antonio Inoki, Shinya Hashimoto, Masa Chono, Keiji Mutoh
Strong Style is similar to modern MMA without all the terrible tattoos. In fact, a lot of the guys either came from or would go on to legitimate martial arts competitions. But the thing about simulated MMA is that there's an incredibly high degree of difficulty in pulling it off. Every strike has to look devastating, every submission hold cinched in for maximum effect. If not, the illusion immediately falls apart. Wrestling is all about suspension of disbelief, but Strong Style posits that wrestling is a sport (rather than entertainment or physical theater) and should be watched as such. There is no winking or nods to the audience. This shit is real and Strong Style dares you to say it isn't. The flaw, to me, if that MMA is fairly dull when the matches are long, drawn out affairs. It's much better (for me, anyway) when there are sudden, unexpected bursts of violence. But if a matched is pre-planned, it's hard to have those bursts of violence be truly convincing. But, to their credit, these guys are able to pull it off. And when they do, there are few things better. Oh, and it's not really that close to MMA in how it looks. It's still clearly pro wrestling. It's the mindset I'm talking about really.
Hallmark Matches:
Tatsumi Fujinami & Keiji Mutoh vs. Akira Maeda & Yoshiaki Fujiwara (NJPW): A perfect example of the mindset and structure that I'm talking about. It's about ten minutes of real wrestling moves and submission holds with a finish full of kicks and suplexes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZcVJV-hz4c&feature=related
Masa Chono vs. Keiji Mutoh (NJPW, G-1 Climax): The pinnacle of the style and one of the few times the NJPW heavyweights could look across town at All Japan and say that our guys are as good as your guys. It's sort of like how Donovan's "Season of the Witch" is as good as anything Bob Dylan ever did, but Donovan is still dismissed offhand as being the guy who tried to be Dylan but failed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-wC_Im7Qfo
Hiroshi Hase & Kensuke Sasaki vs. The Steiner Brothers (NJPW/WCW, Starcade '91): One of the great things about the bizarre WCW/NJPW alliance is that you got ridiculous pairings like this. Kensuke, arguably the wea link in this match, would eventually grow into one of the most badass guys in the next style when he hit his forties and switched promotions. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKrAm-hyYtM

King's Road
Main Practitioners: Jumbo Tsuruta, Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada, Kenta Kobashi
King's Road is the 700 page novel of the wrestling world. The whole point of these matches is to tell a deep story with several layers of nuance in the ring. This is as close as pro wrestling gets to being performance art (if you're one of those that doesn't already subscribe to that assertion). The top feuds on the late 80's-1999 raged on for years. Most of the time, this leads to a stale product. Especially with the WWE Main Event Style. How many times can you really watch John Cena vs. HHH? But, to contrast that, how many times could you watch Misawa vs. Kawada? The answer is endlessly. King's Road is a close cousin of Southern Style thanks to an influx of American talent into All Japan in the 80s (Terry & Dory Funk, Stan Hansen, "Dr. Death" Steve Williams). Plus, the godfather of the style, Jumbo Tsuruta, spent time travelling in the South as a young wrestler. In most American wrestling contests, the beef is usually something like "You have the title and I want it," or "I'm a brash guy and you're a brash guy and this place ain't big enough for the two of us." With King's Road, everyone is stoic. No amount of cheering or booing will change their stone visages. These matches just feel more important. You can tell that they are about failed friendships, mortality, hatred, jealousy, nationalism, and the emptiness of glory. Oh, and the matches themselves kick ass. These guys hit harder, drop people on their heads at sharper angles, and unleash more physical destruction with their bare hands than anyone else in the world of pro wrestling ever. This is the pinnacle.
Hallmark Matches:
Jumbo Tsuruta vs. Mitsuharu Misawa (AJPW): Misawa has just ditched the Tiger Mask gimmick and decides to step in the ring with the top dog of the day. A match that reverberated for the next decade. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMpHibYk4f8
Mitsuhara Misawa & Kenta Kobashi vs. Toshiaki Kawada & Akira Taue (AJPW): My pick for the best match of all time. Kawada at his most badass, Kobashi crying, a crowd beyond rabid for Misawa, and Taue doing his Taue things. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoWnvDSXM7A
Mitsuhara Misawa vs. Kenta Kobashi (AJPW): I previously linked to the best of the Misawa/Kawada matches in the CM Punk email, so I decided to spread the recognition around some. This is where Kobashi transitions from plucky young lion to full-on King of the Jungle. It's not so much because of the result, but because for the first time in half a decade it feels like Misawa is the underdog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSFkWJIuUiQ

Joshi
Main Practitioners: Manami Toyota, Aja Kong, Akira Hokuto
Another rabbit hole that I rarely venture down. Joshi is Japanese Women's wrestling. Some people don't use the term King's Road, but Royal Road instead so that they can incorporate the women of that time period as well. I've never really been comfortable watching this stuff. I'm sure there's some deep-seeded sexist reason for this, but I just find it hard to sit through. It's not because of the quality of the matches themselves. It's because these women DESTROY each other. Plus, they are more innovative move-wise than anyone else, which leads to the feeling that someone could break their neck at any time. If you watch a match today and you see a cool, unique move, chances are that it was invented by a woman in Japan.
Hallmark Matches:
Manami Toyota vs. Toshiyo Yamada (AJW, Hair vs. Hair): Like I said, this stuff is tough even for me. But this is about as well put-together a match as you'll ever see. These girls trade shots like Micky Ward and Arturo Gatti (if the traded shots originated from the top rope). Part 1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sMla5Q3qUg
Akira Hokuto vs. Shinobu Kandori (AJW): As brutal, intense, and great a match as you'll ever see. Notice that I did not qualify that with "Women's Match." This is just flat out amazing. The ending is unexpected and yet somehow perfect. It became one of the more indelible images among the dorkiest of wrestling fans. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyxvGMJ2IBY

New Japan Juniors Style
Main Practitioners: Tiger Mask, Jushin "Thunder" Liger, Koji Kannemoto, Shinjiro Otani
Originally, I was going to do an email about the New Japan Juniors style. My brother was thinking about doing some exploring in this style, and I figured it might be worth doing a full email. But that quickly spiraled out of control. To really do it justice, I felt that I had to go into where the style came from and that involved describing all these different styles. So I decided to do this email instead (which also quickly spiraled out of control). New Japan was the home of Strong Style. The Original Tiger Mask (there have been four at this point, including the aforementioned Misawa) was no exception in the early 80s. He wrestled a hard striking, submission heavy style that focused on realism. But then he began feuds with two British wrestlers: Dynamite Kid (later of WWE's British Bulldogs) and Mark "Mike Coast's Nickname" Rocco (Wrestling under the guise of Black Tiger). As we mentioned earlier, the British wrestlers had holds and moves that seemed as if they were handed down from an alien civilization who were born with three more limbs than homo sapiens. Throw in that Dynamite also spent time in Stampede learning the Hart way of wrestling and you get an amalgamation of wrestling goodness that was completely unique to what people had seen before. Due to the incredible success of these matches, the Junior Heavyweights (defined as being under 225 lbs, but the weight classes aren't exactly as strict as those of boxing) of New Japan took up the new style and routinely outshone their heavyweight counterparts for decades. 1994 is often looked at as the peak year of Professional Wrestling. Wrestlemania X (with Bret vs. Owen and the Shawn Michaels vs. Razor Ramon ladder match), the best of the Misawa vs. Kawada matches, the AAA "When Worlds Collide" PPV (with the legendary Hair vs. Masks match I linked to in the Lucha Libre section), and Shane Douglas throwing down the NWA Title in favor of creating the ECW World Title. The NJ Juniors are no exception, peaking as a style during the Super J Cup '94 Tournament. The lineup is a who's who of international superstars that includes two future WWE Champions (Eddie "Black Tiger II" Guerrero and Chris "Family Man" Benoit). The tournament included several classic matches and is perhaps the most influential night of wrestling of all time that doesn't end in the suffix -mania.
Hallmark Matches:
Dynamite Kid vs. Tiger Mask (NJPW): This is usually rated as the best of their matches. These guys had better chemistry than Nils Bohr. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pn7QNZPYMP8
Jushin "Thunder" Liger vs. The Great Sasuke (NJPW, Super J Cup '94): Liger was the king of this period and pretty much became the definition of the style. Sasuke was an outsider and Liger gives him an appropriate welcome into New Japan. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnzcGpYSPNQ
El Samurai vs. Koji Kanemoto (NJPW): Oh boy. Kanemoto was formerly the least popular Tiger Mask and reinvented himself as a glorious asshole. El Samurai vacillated between "much maligned" and "that guy's pretty good." So, he averages out in the "tolerable" range. These guys really took it to each other and proved they could put on a match just as good as what everyone else was doing. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EpG8c66bUQ

Lucharesu
Main Practitioners: Ultimo Dragon, Great Sasuke, Ricky Marvin
The hybrid of Lucha and Puro that had its beginnings in New Japan but gradually matured into its own form in the latter half of the 90s. Lucharesu abandoned the pageantry of pure Lucha and the pretensions of Strong Style to form a fast-paced, exciting style that is a joy to watch when done well. I don't think it's in the rulebook or anything, but I'm pretty sure every one of these matches is required to include at least one ridiculous, life-shortening top rope dive to the floor. This style really got crazy with the establishment of the Japanese Indie Michinoku Pro. The company regularly featured crazy six, eight, and ten man tag matches that blew up the primitive internet at the time. The matches featured a loose alliance of goody-goods like Great Sasuke, Ultimo Dragon, and Super Delfin against the ridiculously balls out awesome Kaientai DX (yes, the Kaientai name (and a couple wrestlers) was later co-opted by WWE, but the DX has nothing to do with Degeneration X). KDX was beyond awesome and it's too bad they became such a joke in WWE. It's a little like watching Warren Oates putz around in Stripes when he should have been strangling John Candy and banging the two chicks. After M-Pro faded away, the style was taken to even more ridiculous levels in Toryumon and Dragon Gate and continues to blow people's minds today.
Hallmark Matches:
Kaientai DX vs. Random Michinoku Pro Guys (M-Pro, 3rd Anniversary Show): I don't mean to be dismissive of the guys across the ring as there are some fine wrestlers among them. But this is all about Kaientai DX and how awesome they are. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNqkwY4pP2Q
Crazy MAX vs. Dragon Kid & Magnum Tokyo & Ryo Saito vs. 3 other guys (Toryumon): Again, not to be dismissive, but Crazy MAX (CIMA/SUWA/Don Fuji) were like my favorite thing in wrestling when I was sixteen. I even met CIMA once at a Ring of Honor event years later. This is nine guys just doing crazy shit for your entertainment.

WCW Cruiserweight Division
Main Practitioners: Rey Mysterio Jr., Chris Jericho, Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko
Throughout the 90's, WCW had a loose relationship with New Japan. This included some talent exchanges, joint PPVs, and, most importantly, gave WCW an inside track on a lot of the hot young North American talent who were making their names in Japan at the time. WCW signed a lot of these guys (some of whom had also been lighting it up in ECW): Benoit, Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Juventud Guerrera, Psicosis, Steven Regal, Fit Finlay, Dean Malenko, and Ultimo Dragon. WCW then, like most times in their history, had no idea what to do. So they decided to just have these guys fight each other. The revived the Cruiserweight Title in 1996 and basically let these guys put on a show two nights a week. Not all these guys were in that specific division, they were all on relatively the same tier, that is, the one right below the glass ceiling that Hogan, Hall, Nash, and Flair stood on top of. The style was basically a more mainstream hybrid of what had been happening in New Japan with a couple tweaks. More emphasis was placed on matches being "a clash of styles," while it was really more the opposite. Most of the guys in the division were well versed in the various styles and this supposed "clash" was in fact the very heart of the style.
Hallmark Matches:
Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. (WCW, Halloween Havoc '97): Often considered the peak of this style. Both of these guys would go on to be World Champion in WWE (Rey multiple times). And in WCW's infinite wisdom the main event of this PPV was a 44 year old Hollywood Hogan losing in a steel cage match to a 43 year old Roddy Piper. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W28jXlmyImc
Eddie Guerrero vs. Dean Malenko (ECW, 2 out of 3 Falls): I labeled this the WCW Cruiserweight Division style because that's the most famous iteration. But many of these guys were already doing the same thing in ECW and SMW before signing on to WCW. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzQn1pj5zhU
Blitzkrieg vs. Juventud Guerrera (WCW, Spring Stampede '99): For years, WCW had matches at this level multiple times per week. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK3KZQsFLSg

Spotfests
Main Practitioners: Rob Van Dam, Jeff Hardy, Shane McMahon
For lack of a better term, this is the style that cares little about story telling and logic and focuses on ridiculous stunts. A "spot" is a segment of a wrestling match and often has the connotation of something dangerous or high-flying. You would think that someone would eventually not catch a chair tossed at them by RVD, but it's been happening for over fifteen years now. These are sometimes derided for being shallow and needlessly ridiculous, but they are fun and certainly have their place. There are plenty of examples of guys dabbling in this, but it really did become a style in and of itself. Those ladder/TLC matches in 2000-2002 WWE have no other proper category. Sabu's Triple Jump Moonsault cannot exist in any other category. People getting excited about Shane McMahon is as illogical as any of his matches. But watching him deliver a Van Terminator to his aging father at Wrestlemania? That deserves at least a little recognition.
Hallmark Matches:
Hardy Boyz vs. Dudleys vs. Edge & Christian (WWE, Wrestlemania 17): Their second TLC match and probably the most ridiculous match this group was able to pull off. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1qWBfy1T8g&feature=related
Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn (ECW, Hardcore Heaven '99): These guys had several matches together, most of which consist of RVD jumping around for no reason other than the fact that it's what RVD does. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEaCe83BIzA
Shane McMahon vs. Vince McMahon (WWE, Wrestlemania 17): I thought about doing the match where Kurt Angle drops Shane on top of his head while trying to throw him through glass, but Shane doing a Van Terminator is too ridiculous to pass up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8o1shJoK54

US Indies
Main Practitioners: Bryan Danielson, Chris Hero, Samoa Joe
The tape trading generation. These guys watched all the previous stuff that came before them and then made their own amalgamations of those amalgamations. It all became very inadvertently post-modern (and if Thomas Pynchon were going to write a wrestling book, he would definitely create a subject similar to Bryan Danielson, a vegan nerd who one day dreamed of being the next William Regal). This is the generation that is just now starting to get mainstream exposure (at the head is CM Punk, who you can read my pithy thoughts on here: http://emailsihavesent.blogspot.com/2011/08/cm-punk-email.html ). The style itself is actually relatively recent in its inception. Early on, it was guys like Reckless Youth touring up and down the east coast hoping to catch the notice of one of the bigger promotions. But in 2001, both WCW and ECW folded and the indies exploded. Well, maybe not exploded. But they became the "it" place for the cutting edge wrestling fan to find new talent (much like music fans are always in search of the next hot band before they break). This ended up in a cycle that fed into itself and eventually turned guys like Punk, Danielson, Low Ki, and AJ Styles into huge names before they had ever appeared on national television.
Hallmark Matches: Unfortunately, the Indies closely guard their youtube clips since they make much of their money on tape sales. If you really want an extensive list of US Indie matches worth watching from the last decade, let me know and I'll send a different long winded email.

Hardcore
Main Practitioners: Sandman, New Jack, Balls Mahoney
Sometimes referred to as "Garbage Matches," partly due to the quality (in the eyes of the wrestling establishment (which does, in fact, exist)), partly due to all the garbage that ends up in the ring throughout the course of the match: trash cans, folding chairs, tables, etc. The Hardcore style is synonymous with ECW (though is by no means contained to ECW). Hardcore matches had been done before ECW. Plenty of old Memphis/Southern matches featured foreign objects and blood and brutality. But it never really had a name. ECW branded it "Hardcore" and then acted as if they invented it. A little like Grunge. Sure, it existed before Nirvana and Pearl Jam. But it was never really categorized or emphasized. These matches were pretty extreme at the time. But they had nothing on the next evolution.
Hallmark Matches:
Sabu vs. Sandman (ECW, Stairway to Hell): It's a ladder match where the suspended object is barbwire. Classic ECW. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSQ1SBenJ_0
Raven & Stevie Richards vs. The Pitbulls (ECW, Double Dog Collar Match): Typically cited as one of ECW's high water marks. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Om5fgdCRbo
Triple H vs. Cactus Jack (WWE, Royal Rumble 2000): About as violent as WWE has ever gotten (with one upcoming exception). HHH takes a lot of shit from the internet fans, but the guy was willing to go all out for this one and keeps up with Foley every step of the way. Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGasHD3Mfuw

Death Matches
Main Practitioners: Necrobutcher, the young Mick Foley, Tomoaki Honma
Remember that scene in Event Horizon? I probably don't even need to describe it. If you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about. But in case you don't, it's the scene where they finally unscramble the video tape and they see the previous crew being butchered and tortured. Well, that's kind of like the experience of watching a real Death Match for the first time. These are like the graphic horror movies of the wrestling world...but with far more blood. Like most things in the wrestling world, Death Matches were first hatched in Japan. Barbed wire had been used before, but mostly as a Boogie Man whose use signaled that the match was nearing completion. Death Matches were about using the weapons from start to finish. Barbed wire, light tubes, scissors, thumb tacks, weed whackers, fire, panes of glass...all have been used extensively in the last decade. So, if stomach turning violence is your thing, there's nothing better than watching the Necrobutcher carve up some meth addict at a fair ground in Delaware (unfortunately, I cannot find footage of this on youtube).
Hallmark Matches:
Mankind vs. The Undertaker (WWE, Hell in a Cell): If you define a deathmatch as a match where you legitimately thought one of the competitors would die, this certainly fits the bill and is by far the most high profile deathmatch of all time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJGF01k9wkg
Tomoaki Honma vs. Ryuji Yamakawa (Big Japan): Big Japan was on the cutting edge (get it?) of deathmatches and the epic Honma/Yamakawa bouts were the sleazy version of Misawa/Kawada. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l22l1SYAAh0


Divas
Main Practitioners: Trish Stratus, Lita, Kelly Kelly
"Divas" are what WWE calls their female wrestlers. Their priorities are to 1) look good, 2) be willing to demean themselves, 3) have big breasts, and Last) be competent in the ring. Pretty bleak. But believe it or not, there was a semi-golden age of Divas wrestling in WWE not too long ago. Trish Stratus went from being a fitness model who was forced to literally bark in the ring to a shockingly good female wrestler. Also on the roster was Lita, who, in addition to being really good at dating other wrestlers, could move around well in the ring. And they got to main event Raw one week. And it was really good. And then WWE remembered that they don't give a shit about women's wrestling and went back to the Divas formula. Oh well.
Hallmark Matches:
Trish Stratus vs. Lita (WWE): The aforementioned match. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buh7PLMRlLo

Comedy Wrestling
Main Practitioners: Ebessan, Colt Cabana, Buffalo Elmo
Even Greek tragedies had Satyr plays. I have no idea where these things evolved from. I just know that they exist. In Duck Soup, there's a scene where Chico and Harpo Marx get into a scrap with a lemonade vendor (actually, there might be two scenes where that happens...whatever). It goes on and on with the lemonade vendor getting increasingly frustrated. That's kind of like what happens in every Ebessan vs. Kuishinbo Kamen match. And there are a lot of them. And it's usually the two of them frustrating the hapless referee. Here in New York there is a full on comedy wrestling league with weekly shows and bi-monthly "pay-per-views." Only in wrestling could I be sitting in a comedy theater and get all worked up about Marz "The Black Planet" losing a retirement match to a guy who does a racist/homophobic Beastie Boys character.
Hallmark Matches:
Ebessan vs. Kuishinbo Kamen (Osaka Pro): I'm pretty sure these guys have wrestled each other like 300 times. Here is one of those matches. This takes place in a high school gym or something where a good chunk of the crowd is sitting on the floor. Now that's a wrestling venue! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W65MrwTqusQ

Backyard Wrestling
Main Practitioners: The weird guys you knew in high school, Insane Clown Posse fans
I got up to 19 and decided that I needed a nice round number. Backyard wrestling exists, people buy the tapes, and some of the guys have ended up being legitimate wrestlers. So, despite the WWE "Don't Try This At Home" campaign, trying it at home ended up working pretty well for guys Mick Foley, RVD, Matt & Jeff Hardy, and numerous others.
Hallmark Matches: You probably won't believe this, but my knowledge of backyard wrestling is not quite extensive.

Phew! That was exhausting. Let's put this one to bed.

If you know someone that might like to read two dozen paragraphs of pro wrestling minutiae, please feel free to forward this on.

If you'd like to read about other minutiae that interests me to a pathological degree, please visit my half-assed, seldom updated "blog" at www.emailsihavesent.blogspot.com

Mike Coast

Horror Movie Email

Original Title: Horror Movie List
Original Date Sent: April 13, 2010
Sent to: An old co-worker
Context: I was asked to provide a series of movie recommendations to a co-worker who had just gotten Netflix. This was the first of those. The other two, documentaries and film noir, have previously been posted. Names redacted to protect the innocent.

Here is your list. XXXXXX and I compiled it this afternoon. Blurbs are mine:

Halloween (1978) dir. John Carpenter: My personal favorite. Started the "slasher movie" genre, but doesn't delve into the trashy, exploitative depths that later imitators did. The classic opening scene sets the tone for the whole movie. And the music...wow.

The Thing (1982) dir. John Carpenter: Quite possibly the best in-camera effects of all time. But it's quite a bit more than that. Carpenter creates a feeling of claustrophobia and paranoia that few other movies can touch. The blood test scene is particularly tense. Plus, it has Kurt Russell in the early 80's. You want to see this.

An American Werewolf in London (1981) dir. John Landis: On second thought, maybe this has the best in-camera effects of all time. One of the better examples of the horror-comedy sub-genre (without having "unnecessary violence" like Re-Animator or any number of Troma movies). Plus it will remind you of the Warren Zevon song, if you're into that kind of thing.

Night of the Living Dead (1968) dir. George A. Romero: This movie gave me nightmares as a kid. The grainy 16mm B&W cinematography adds the sort of atmosphere that other horror movies envy. Sure, by today's standards the zombies are slow and fat and not very menacing. But the (copious) images of their pale bodies emerging out of the darkness are not something that you'll soon forget.

Creep Show (1982) dir. George A. Romero: A XXXXXX favorite. It's based on a horror comics series and is made up of several shorts that are loosely fit together (through a frame narrative of a kid reading the Creep Show comics, of course). Highlights include Stephen King "acting" and Leslie Nielsen playing a douchebag.

Rosemary's Baby (1968) dir. Roman Polanski: An upper-crust NYC couple just moved into a new apartment. They throw classy parties, discuss theatre, and get to know their elderly neighbors. The wife gets pregnant. It's not the husband's baby. The father is, well, you'll just have to find out. The whole movie is probably an elaborate allegory for class struggle or something. It is also creepy as hell.

Alien (1979) dir. Ridley Scott: Essentially a Haunted House movie in space. As the title suggests, there is an alien involved. I hope you've already seen this. And the sequel (which is happens to be one of the best films in the 80's Action sub-genre).

The Descent (2005) dir. Neil Marshall: I saw this in the theater and it scared the crap out of me. A group of female friends decides to go cave-diving for a weekend. This will really get to you if you're at all nervous about tight spaces. Or if you're at all nervous about being attacked while in these tight spaces.

That's all for now. I CCed XXXXXX so that he can add any comments or correct any mistakes that I've made. See you tomorrow!

Mike Coast

Documentary Email

Original Title: Documentary List
Original Date Sent: May 3, 2010
Sent to: A former co-worker.
Context: A co-worker had requested a series of movie recommendation emails. I have already posted the one about Film Noir (and truthfully I had forgotten that there was one about Horror Movies and was legitimately confused when I re-read the first line of this email). I sent this a year and a half ago and obviously I would add a few more that I've seen since then if I were to write a similar email today.

Here is my third promised list for you: Documentaries. I've decided to omit music/concert docs since those tend to be the most subjective of all movies (besides Comedies, I suppose). Once again, in order by director, not quality:

Grizzly Man (2005) dir. Werner Herzog: Herzog is my favorite director, hands down. I could do a whole list just with his movies. Even his stuff that fails is at least interesting in doing so. This is the best of his documentaries. I think you may have said that you've already seen this, so I won't go into detail. All I'll say is that this is one of those perfect matches between director and subject.

Lessons in Darkness (1992) dir. Werner Herzog: As the Iraqi Army was fleeing from Kuwait after the first Gulf War, they burned the oil fields. Werner Herzog travelled to Kuwait and filmed the burning oil fields. He then married that footage to a terrifying score and a Science Fiction narrative about an alien planet that had destroyed itself. It's truly a unique work and captures images unlike anything I've ever seen. One of my friends from college who is a Herzog fan thinks that this is his best movie. Not best documentary, best movie.

La Soufriere (1977) dir. Werner Herzog: An island community sits on an active volcano. That volcano is about to erupt. One resident decides to stay rather than evacuate the island with everybody else. Who better than Herzog to then travel to the island and find out why the man is staying. Herzog had already established himself as one of the world's craziest film makers, but this was the most fully-realized evidence of his death wish. This one is only 30 minutes long, so perhaps this is your best starting place for Herzog movies.

My Best Fiend (1999) dir. Werner Herzog: Chronicles Herzog's relationship with mercurial German actor Klaus Kinski. Despite making five movies together, they were never friends. In fact they traded several death threats. To make the degree of difficulty even higher, two of the movies they made together were filmed in the Amazon rain forest and a third in West Africa. The results are incredible. Kinski delivers some of the most intense performances ever caught on screen and Herzog was rarely better than when he was working with Kinski. This is essentially Herzog's love letter to his recently deceased muse and nemesis.

Burden of Dream (1982) dir. Les Blank: Herzog is so fascinating that several documentaries have been made ABOUT him. This is by far the best. The subject is Herzog's frequently doomed production of Fitzcaraldo, the story of a white colonist in South America who wants to bring an opera house to the small town where he lives. The original actor got sick and dropped out...Herzog pushed on. A border war broke out in South America (the border where they were shooting, of course)...Herzog pushed on. Klaus Kinski was so maniacal that the natives that were being used as extras tried to kill him...Herzog pushed on. Several of the European crew members left the shoot when they thought that their lives were in legitimate danger from the elements, the war, and (most of all) the director...Herzog pushed on. What makes this great are the interviews where Herzog rails against his opponents and insists that he would rather die that leave the film incomplete. An absolutely harrowing look at a type of filmmaking that we will probably never experience.

Gates of Heaven (1978) dir. Errol Morris: The greatest documentary ever made. Morris was a Herzog disciple, but his films are much different than Herzog's. They are more grounded in reality, more interested in the humanity of the subjects, and never use voiceover. The subject of this one is Pet Cemeteries; the people who run them, the people who pay to have their pets buried there, and all sorts of others in the periphery. What makes it so great is that this could easily have been a point-and-laugh movie. Instead, you get real people telling their real stories with very little interference and no editorializing (besides the editing, but that's a whole sticky subject of its own). You laugh when the characters are funny, for sure, but it's a much deeper look about why we love our pets. I could go on and on about this but you really just have to see it.

The Thin Blue Line (1988) dir. Errol Morris: I once had an AD tell me (and the rest of the staff) during a production meeting that "We're not curing cancer here." For the most part, that's true. Very few movies matter. Very few movies can change the world. This is a movie that matters. It tells the story of a Dallas police officer's murder and the bungled investigation that followed. This wrong man was convicted and sentenced to death. This movie got him out of jail and led to an overhaul of the whole Texas criminal justice system. Of course, the guy later sued Morris for the film's profits. In addition to being important, it's also a great piece of entertainment filmed in a really unique way (the milkshake part comes immediately to mind). Plus the Phillip Glass score is a great piece of film music that totally captures the mood of the story.

The Fog of War (2003) dir. Errol Morris: Morris breaks out his brand new Interrotron camera to grill former Secretary of Defense (under JFK and LBJ) Robert S. McNamara. McNamara recounts his involvement in firebombing Tokyo during World War Two, his presidency of the Ford Motor company, and, of course, Vietnam. Again, Morris never puts in his two cents. He lets McNamara tell his own story and leaves it to the viewer to decide if he is a great hero or a great villain of history.

King of Kong (2007) dir. Seth Gordon: One of the funniest, liveliest, entertaining documentaries I've ever seen. It is about one man's fight to set the Donkey Kong world record and the videogame establishment that stands in his way. The true star is Billy Mitchell, the long-time world record holder who is worshipped in the videogaming community. He carries himself with a menacing accomplishment and compares himself to both the Red Baron and the Abortion Debate. Great subjects, great soundtrack, infinitely rewatchable.

American Movie (1999) dir. Chris Smith: The story of a broke, pathetic independent filmmaker trying to finish his low-budget horror movie while simultaneously trying to piece his life together...and pretty much failing at both. Despite the fact that the film almost openly mocks the subject, there is a great undercurrent: why we make movies. Mark Borchardt doesn't WANT to make a movie, he HAS to make a movie. The kind of desire is certainly commendable and a trait that he has in common with the greatest of filmmakers, even if he doesn't share their talent.

Pumping Iron (1977) dir. George Butler & Robert Fiore: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lou Ferrigno (TV's Incredible Hulk) battle for the Mr. Olympia title. Arnold is the long-time champion and Ferrigno is the young upstart from Brooklyn trying to make his mark in the competitive bodybuilding world. The best part is Arnold discussing how weight-lifting is like sex. One of the few documentaries that can be considered "star-making."

Street Fight (2005) dir. Marshall Curry: Who knew the 2002 Newark mayoral campaign was so interesting? Corey Booker (sort of a small-time Obama) takes aim at Sharpe James (sort of a small-time Al Sharpton) contend for the position using what can only be described as Third World tactics. The lingering question: Who in their right mind would want to be mayor of Newark?

Hoop Dreams (1994) dir. Steve James: Two black highschoolers (one from a private school, one from a tough public school) in Chicago gun for basketball scholarships and a future. Dives headfirst into the underhanded world of college sports recruiting and camps. The film is especially good (in a heartbreaking way) in hindsight since neither kid was ever able to make it to the NBA and instead were spit out by the machine that they so desperately wanted to be a part of.

Brother's Keeper (1992) dir. Joe Berlinger & Bruce Sinofsky: Berlinger went to Colgate and this movie was filmed in that area. So perhaps I'm a little biased. This is really great. Four elderly brothers live together in squalor on a farm in upstate New York. One of the brothers dies under mysterious circumstances. When the police come calling, the community rallies around the outcasts. No movie better supports my assertion that Upstate New York = The South.

Who Killed the Electric Car? (2006) dir. Chris Paine: Paine is also a Colgate grad. Again, maybe some bias. The film talks about how GM released an electric car that was so popular that...it was taken off the market. The film explores the possible culprits and interviews several former owners (including Mel Gibson). It's a bit heavy-handed at times and jumps to a few conclusions too quickly, but makes up for it by being legitimately entertaining.

Man with a Movie Camera (1929) dir. Dziga Vertov: One of the first documentaries and one of the strangest. Vertov took his camera around Moscow and basically just played around with it. In the process he discovered the possibilities that the moving image could have. He also captures some incredible images of the daily workings of Moscow.

I'm sure there are many more that I'm forgetting. And a few that I excluded due to your "no excessive violence" decree. This will get you started at least.

Mike Coast

"B" Villain Email

Original Title: My Favorite Movie "B" Villains
Original Date Sent: October 21, 2011
Sent to: The usual group of poor souls.
Context: No special context. Just felt like writing about some under-appreciated movie characters while imposing arbitrary rules upon myself.

Hello,

If you are receiving this, you have the immense fortune to be on my
involuntary email distribution list. Congratulations! I was originally
going to do a super-niche one based around one specific period of
Japanese Wrestling (the junior heavyweights of late 80s-mid 90's in
NJPW, in case you're curious), but I elected to save that for a time
when I can really do some "research." So instead, here's something a
little more mainstream. It's a list of my personal favorite "B"
villains, mostly from action movies. Not the main guys who come up
with the plans, but the subordinates. It's easier to just dive into it
than explain.

Oh. And, uh, spoiler alert.

Movie: Die Hard
Character: Karl (Alexander Godunov)
Boss: Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman)
Why He's So Awesome: Everyone has acknowledged how awesome Hans Gruber
is at this point. And John McClane is about to star in his fifth
movie. Lost in the shuffle is Karl, who looks like what would happen
if Bjorn Borg traded in a tennis racket for a machine gun (and an
exploding hockey puck). Plus, the guy survives getting beaten, hung
from a chain, and blown up. He then blends into the crowd (despite
being a gigantic, terrifying-looking East German terrorist) so well
that he can ambush McClain from under his riot blanket. Finally, he
gets blown away by Carl Winslow. A first-ballot Hall of Famer and
perhaps the ultimate example of where I'm going with this email.
A Clip of Him in Action: Godunov talks about his character and
motivations or whatever. What's most notable his how much chest this
guy decided to show off for these interviews -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8BhUXXoJH0

Movie: Robocop
Character: Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith)
Boss: Dick Jones (Ronny Cox)
Why He's So Awesome: The guy starts the movie by throwing one of his
own gang members out of a moving truck and onto the windshield of a
cop car. Then he tortures poor Peter Weller. He looks like a middle
management guy who had a nervous breakdown and decided to become a
violent criminal instead. Oh, and he dips his dirty fingers in some
fat guy's glass of wine. That's not as badass as some of the other
stuff, but it sure ruined that guy's day (that and getting shot a
couple minutes later. That probably sucked too).
A Clip of Him in Action: Somebody made a Best of Clarence Boddicker
video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdZqKVcI9m8&feature=related

Movie: Total Recall
Character: Richter (Michael Ironside)
Boss: Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox)
Why He's So Awesome: Michael Ironside once played a guy who could make
heads explode with his mind. And that's only his second most badass
role. And how great is it that Verhoeven cast the same evil boss and
wanted to cast the same B-guy as well? And when that didn't work out,
he cast Ironside who has a similar look and demeanor (and was the
original choice for Clarence Boddicker anyway). Ironside is everything
you could want in a bad guy. He's sleazy, he's smarmy, he shoots an
innocent guy being used as a human shield, and even takes the time to
punch Arnold when he's strapped down in the memory erasing chair. And
no one else on this list is the subject of a one-liner better than
"I'll see you at the party Richter!"
A Clip of Him in Action: Richter's Last Stand -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEWHbhLx_-Y

Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark
Character: Toht (Ronald Lacey)
Boss: Technically it's probably Himmler, but for movie purposes we'll
say Rene Belloq (Paul Freeman).
Why He's So Awesome: Besides his choice in coat hangers, he's just a
really creepy looking dude. And I couldn't really do this email
without mentioning his face melting off. Has anyone else ever been
bothered by the fact that the Nazis in that movie are seeking the Ark
of the Covenant, a weapon that helped the Jews win several wars
centuries before? Did none of the junior SS officers point this out?
It just seems like they might be wary to use a weapon gifted by the
God of Israel to the people whom they were trying to eradicate. And
not one of the Nazi guys decided to close his eyes when shit started
to go bad? (If you think this is bad, you should hear me try to break
down the subway route in The Warriors. Hey! That reminds me...)
A Clip of Him in Action: Spielberg's peak in 20 seconds? -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3ythpzsu18

Movie: The Warriors
Character: The dude that looks kinda like Joey Ramone (Joel Weiss, maybe?)
Boss: Luther (David Patrick Kelly)
Why He's So Awesome: There's no way this guy was found at a casting
agency. He was probably hanging out with some of his filthy, loser
friends on the Lower East Side and just got snatched up based on his
goofy looks, marble-mouthed line delivery, and willingness to be hit
by David Patrick Kelly in pretty much every scene he appears.
A Clip of Him of Him in Action: The dude in question trying to talk to
DPK but getting hit for his troubles -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3WChJjjoTs

Movie: Running Man
Character: Fireball (Jim Brown)
Boss: Killian (Richard Dawson)
Hwy He's So Awesome: Do you need any reason other than Jim Brown with
a flame thrower? Fireball is like the closer who comes out of the
bullpen late to shut down the competition. The whole movie Jim Brown
sits at the 80's yuppie party with his futuristic haircut watching
Arnold mow down scrubs like Sub Zero and Dynamo. When he finally gets
in the game, he delivers one of my favorite lines of a movie chock
full of them.
A Clip of Him in Action: Maria Conchita Alonso is pretty sure these
were last season's winners. Jim Brown begs to differ -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQiNYtkwuyw

Movie: Under Siege
Character: Commander Krill (Gary Busey)
Boss: Stranix (Tommy Lee Jones)
Why He's So Awesome: Well, it's Gary Busey right on the cusp of
becoming a crazy old man. And he dresses in drag. And he spits in
Seagal's soup. He also does the classic bad guy move of treating his
subordinates like shit, be they Navy midshipmen, terrorists who also
seem to own a catering company, or a Russian submarine crew.
A Clip of Him in Action: Busey has to put up with a lot of shit -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCId3kjWPs8

Movie: Cop Land
Character: Robert Patrick
Boss: Ray Donlan (Harvey Keitel)
Why he's awesome: I don't even want or need to look up his character
name. It's Robert "T-1000" Patrick as a crooked cop with a sweet
mustache. In a movie full of big name actors, he's the only one that I
remember anything about. I think Stallone is deaf or something too.
Someone needs to make an edited version of this movie so that it's
just the Robert Patrick scenes.
A Clip of Him in Action: Couldn't find any exclusive stuff with him in
it, but here he is getting gunned down as part of the final shootout.
Like I said, let's base a movie around that guy -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emeGfvVJaBY&feature=related

Movie: Platoon
Character: Sgt. Barnes (Tom Berenger)
Boss: This one's an exception. The real enemies here are the NVA and
the Viet Cong. In fact, Barnes is portrayed as being way more evil
than they are.
Why He's So Awesome: First of all, his performance was nominated for
an Academy Award (as was the next guy on our list). Second, his
good-old boy sociopathy made Charlie Sheen seem relatively sane and
innocent. And his "What do ya'll know about death" speech is easily
the best thing Tom Berenger has ever done. If that's not enough, he
beat Scorsese to the punch as far as killing Willem Dafoe for our
sins.
A Clip of Him in Action: "I am reality" -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cyXO5tO6kw

Movie: Shane
Character: Jack Wilson (Jack Palance)
Boss: Rufus Ryker (Emile Meyer)
Why He's So Awesome: The perfect Western bad guy. Man in black. Comes
from nowhere. Hired by a rich guy to kill the working farmer types.
He's like a one-man seedy underbelly of American history (which is
probably what makes the Bill Hicks rant about him so great). There are
very few deaths scenes in Westerns better than when he sadistically
toys with Elisha Cook.
A Clip of Him in Action: Jack Palance is cold as ice -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4qQtWjXPv4
Bonus Clip: Bill Hicks on Jack Palance in Shane -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfL4S5nI3Kw

Movie: Blazing Saddles
Character: Taggart (Slim Pickens)
Boss: Hedley Lamarr (Harvey Korman)
Why He's So Awesome: There's a 95% chance that Slim had no clue what
was going on while filming Blazing Saddles. He had surely never heard
of Mel Brooks, probably didn't read the script before he got his sides
each morning, and even the most obvious points of humor were likely
lost on him. If anything, Mel Brooks probably just followed him around
Bowfinger-style and spliced his footage into the rest of the movie.
A Clip of Him in Action: Slim Pickens hates singing and Kansas City -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gj9uEeuDtQ

Movie: 48 Hours
Character: Billy Bear (Sonny Landham)
Boss: Ganz (James Remar)
Why He's So Awesome: It's very rare when someone can outdo James Remar
on the Macho Scumbag Scale. Landham, a former porn star and someone
who employed a bodyguard to protect other people from him, is totally
believable as a drug-addicted murderer who beats up his girlfriend.
And that name. How great is that? Doesn't Billy Bear sound like the
name of one of your dad's old drinking buddies who no one has seen in
over a decade? It's probably because he's been breaking James Remar
out of jail and making Nick Nolte seem like Atticus Finch.
A Clip of Him in Action: I could not find any Billy Bear clips.
Instead, here is Sonny Landham (again playing a character named Billy)
cutting himself with a machete -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jez8-ORTFU&feature=related

Movie: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Character: Guy of Gisborne (Michael Wincott and his raspy voice)
Boss: The Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman)
Why He's So Awesome: That dude has the most awesome bad guy voice
ever. As soon as he opens his mouth you know he's evil. That's
probably why he also plays the head bad guy (The Crow, Strange Days)
so often. The big reason he's on here is that Wincott turning up his
nose at Robin Hood returning from the Crusades is like the medieval
equivalent of spitting on a Vietnam vet and calling him a baby killer.
A Clip of Him in Action: Michael Wincott's awesome voice vs. Kevin
Costner's laughable accent -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgEX8QRbxss

Movie: Road Warrior
Character: Wez (Vernon Wells)
Boss: Lord Humungus (Kjell Nilsson)
Why He's So Awesome: He keeps a sex slave (male) on a leash and then
sheds real tears when the poor little guy gets killed by a boomerang.
It's almost heartwarming. And I also needed someone to fill my
"multicolored mohawk" quota. Besides that, Vernon Wells also played a
guy who I would love to honor but cannot - Bennett in Commando.
Despite being the second in command, he is clearly the primary villain
and the last guy to die at the hands of the hero (it's the same reason
I left out Darth Vader, for those wondering). But Road Warrior is
plenty awesome and I'm glad Vernon Wells made the cut.
A Clip of Him in Action: Wez grieves and vows vengeance for his fallen
boy toy. Give this man an Oscar! -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zxGZYqmo4M&feature=related
Bonus Clip: Vernon Wells letting off some steam -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-tRErs5UcI

Movie: Tombstone
Character: Johnny Ringo (Michael Biehn)
Boss: Curly Bill Brocius (Powers Boothe)
Why He's So Awesome: Too many time's we are subjected to the copout
where the "B" Villain meets his end at the hands of the "B" hero (Die
Hard is both, so it's excused). All too often, we don't get the
satisfying catharsis (in the form of bloody death/explosion) of
watching our hero destroy the lead henchman/underboss/lieutenant. For
instance, I will never, for the life of me, figure out why Bolo Yeung
fights John Saxon, not Bruce Lee, in Enter the Dragon. This is one
case where not only does the "B" hero get the confrontation with the
"B" villain, but the audience is actually excited to see it. Every
time Doc Holiday comes around that tree and says "I'm your
huckleberry," I get a giant grin on my face. As far as why he's
awesome? It's Michael Biehn with a gun and a working knowledge of
Latin.
A Clip of Him in Action: The showdown between Johnny Ringo and Wyatt
Ear...OH WAIT A MINUTE! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfbAFgD2mLo

That's all for now. I will probably do a best random bad
guy/henchman/thug email in the future so that you can be privy to even
more of my obsession with action movie minutiae.

As always, feel free to forward this on or print it and then burn it
or whatever.

Mike Coast

The Colin Farrell Email

Original Title: Colin Farrell: An Appreciation
Original Date Sent: September 26, 2011
Sent to: The usual group that I annoy with these things.
Context: I'd been meaning to write about my benign Colin Farrell obsession for quite awhile now. Just felt like the right time, for whatever reason.

Hello,

You may remember me from such emails as the really long one about
pizza or the really long one about pro wrestling. Well, I'm back. This
time, I've decided to write a long-overdue appreciation of my favorite
films of Ireland's dreamiest actor, Colin Farrell. I've long admired
his work and I've decided to pick out a few favorites that no lover of
film should be without. These are in no particular order and the
quality of each film, for the purposes of this email, is based solely
on Mr. Farrell's work.

Tigerland - This was my first exposure. CF plays an Army recruit going
through boot camp in preparation for being shipped to Vietnam. Now, I
know you're probably thinking, "He's probably just a guy that follows
orders. Doesn't seem like the type to be a loose cannon." Well, you've
obviously never seen a Colin Farrell movie before. No stupid drill
sergeant is going to keep this guy down. Joel Schumacher has coaxed
competent lead performances out of the likes of Jason Patric and Judd
Nelson, so it would have been easy to pass this off as a fluke.

Fright Night - As president of the "Remake Everything with Colin
Farrell" club, I was incredibly excited that CF had been picked to
take over the role of Jerry Dandridge that Chris Sarandon made
semi-sorta-famous. And I was not disappointed. Well, the movie itself
isn't as good as the original. But CF totally rocks it, putting his
sleazy charisma to perfect effect.

In Bruges - The next time CF stars in some kind of year end prestige
movie, you may see the phrase "Golden Globe Winner Colin Farrell" in
the trailer. This is the role for which he won that coveted piece of
hardware. It's pretty inarguable that this is his best movie, showing
off everything that he does best: his sense of humor, his brooding,
his goofiness, his boyish charm. Oh, and he also hits a midget and a
woman. And if you're thinking, "Colin Farrell would never hit a
woman!" You obviously haven't seen...

Intermission - An Irish ensemble piece from the early part of the
decade where Colin Farrell, among other things, punches a woman's
lights out five minutes into the movie. It seems that European movies
get a lot more comedic mileage out of violence against women. Also,
you better believe that I'll be throwing Brown Sauce in my coffee at
least once if I ever make it back to Ireland.

Miami Vice - Oh man. My personal favorite. CF looks constantly
hung-over, rasps his way through his dialogue, and, most importantly,
has frequent outbursts. This movie is almost universally hated, but I
think people were looking for the wrong thing. They wanted a flashy,
neon, throwback Miami Vice. Instead they got a really dark, violent,
Mojito-soaked version. And I for one am all for it. My favorite scene
is one in which Crockett and Tubbs are having a meeting with the
police chief and the local FBI representative. The FBI rep (the guy
who played Caesar on Rome, by the way) says something about, "That's
what happens when you lay down with dogs." And CF responded by
pointing at him and yelling, "Hey go fuck yourself!" But he snaps at
him in such away that all three of the other actors look legitimately
taken aback. Jamie Foxx is not a good enough actor to call up that
look out of nowhere. And poor Julius Caesar has the same look on his
face that the DP of Terminator: Salvation probably had during his
altercation with Christian Bale. This movie could be an email all to
itself.

The New World - This movie is much better if you imagine that CF's
character is actually just Sonny Crockett sent back in time to
colonize Virginia. And it's not much of a stretch. It's the exact same
hung-over, raspy, outburst-heavy performance. Maybe the so-called
"critics" would consider this a negative. I think it's the greatest
strength of the movie (including the great use of the Wagner music at
the beginning and the end).

Pride and Glory - Colin Farrell threatens a baby with an iron. That's
pretty much the only worthwhile thing in this movie.

Ondine - Colin Farrell plays a white trash fisherman who finds a woman
that's either a mermaid or a hooker. It's Splash meets Pretty Woman as
directed by The Crying Game's Neil Jordan!

Horrible Bosses - I'm hoping for a DVD version where I can skip all
the lame parts and just enjoy 90 minutes of CF as a fat, balding, coke
snorting sleazeball of awesome.

The Way Back - Colin Farrell plays a loose cannon (gasp!). This time,
however, he does it with a giant tattoo of Stalin on his chest. Would
have been better if he frequently slapped Jim Sturgess in the face for
no discernible reason.

Crazy Heart - Jeff Bridges gets all the attention (and, I suppose,
rightfully so). But CF is there too! He plays the really successful
guy that came up as part of Bad Blake's band and now gives the old man
a few pity gigs during his tour. Another case of CF coming off
surprisingly well as a real actor in a real movie. I, of course,
prefer the outbursts and the emoting. But it's nice to see that he's
capable of doing great work when called upon to do so.

Total Recall - This comes out next summer and I'm already way too
excited. Sure, the director sucks. Sure, CF is not in the same
category of body mass as Arnold. But as president of the "Remake
Everything with Colin Farrell" club, I give this my whole-hearted
endorsement. I mean, it's CF vs. Bryan Cranston for God's sake. That
is guaranteed to be awesome. I'm already imagining CF's take on such
classic lines as "Get your ass to Mars," "hahahaha, you think this is
the real Quaid? It is!" and "I'll see you at the party Richter!"

I should probably stop before this goes to another level of creepy.

Mike Coast

New York Movies Email

Original Title: New York Movies
Original Date Sent: March 6, 2011
Sent to: Oh, this girl I used to know.
Context: This girl had recently moved to New York and I decided to write a little primer. I'd add a couple more that I've seen since then if I could. But I can't because that's against my arbitrary rules. So here's the original email. Better or worse than a mixtape? You be the judge.

In no particular order...

The Warriors (1979) Dir. Walter Hill: My favorite New York Movie and one of my top 5 movies of all time. The story is based on a Greek History narrative called The Anabasis. Essentially, a gang from Coney Island is invited to a giant gang meeting in the Bronx. During the meeting, the leader of the gangs is assassinated and The Warriors are blamed. What follows is a citywide chase movie with legendary fight scenes, an absolutely perfect soundtrack, and a vision of the wet street of New York (complete with neon lights reflecting off of them) that is still to this day copied by any film or TV show that shoots in New York. The one time I ever lost my cool on set was when I met David Patrick Kelly, who (among a slew of other great roles) plays the snide little bad guy in this movie.

After Hours (1985) Dir. Martin Scorsese: Scorsese's most underrated movie. A computer analyst goes out for a quiet cup of coffee, meets a girl, and is set off on a surreal nightmare through the streets of Soho before is was completely tamed by cops, Europeans, and rich kids. Really funny, unique (in general, but especially for Scorsese), and surprising. It has everything that Scorsese does will with the added bonus of paranoia and comedy.

Taxi Driver (1976) Dir. Martin Scorsese: If you haven't seen this, I'm not sure how you got into film school.

Do the Right Thing (1989) Dir. Spike Lee: Probably the only Spike Lee movie I like. And man, it is one hell of a movie. So vibrant. Takes place over the course of a hot day in Bed-Stuy. Racial tension seen from both sides in a neighborhood struggling to maintain its identity. The Italians hate the Blacks for moving into their neighborhood. The Blacks hate the semi-affluent Whites for coming into their neighborhood in an effort to gentrify. In the end, it all boils over when frustrations between the Italian Pizza Shop owner and a group of political-minded young blacks comes to a head. The acting is good across the board, but Danny Aiello really stands out.

Dog Day Afternoon (1975) Dir. Sidney Lumet: Both Lumet and Pacino's best movie. Based on the true story of two incompetent bank robbers who wind up taking hostages and creating a media sensation. Lumet famously wrote about his directorial technique of tightly scripting the police while letting Pacino, John Cazale, Chris Sarandon, and the hostages improvise most of their interactions. The result was a balance of humor, awkwardness, and pathos that produced several iconic moments. You will not be sorry you watched this movie.

Serpico (1973) Prince of the City (1981) Q&A (1990) Dir. Sidney Lumet: Continuing on the Lumet thing, this is his unofficial Police Corruption Trilogy. Serpico is the most famous thanks to Pacino's beard, but I would argue it's the weakest of the three. Prince of the City explores the slimy side of prosecuting police officers for corruption. In a time when the thin blue line was thinner than ever, undercover cops had to do criminal things to get results. PotC tells the story of one officer who turned in some of his comrades only to have his checkered past looked into as well. Probably would be considered a classic if a big name had been cast as the lead instead of Treat Williams. Q&A focuses on the conflict between a clean cut internal affairs investigator and an unapologetically corrupt cop played by Nick Nolte. Nolte is a force of nature. His beady eyes and bushy mustache seeming too small for his beat red face. Lumet is so underrated it hurts me to think about it.

King of Comedy (1982) Dir. Martin Scorsese: Another underrated Scorsese movie (and De Niro too, for that matter). De Niro is an unsuccessful comedian who stalks his talk show host hero (played by a bitter old Jerry Lewis). Scorsese proves once again that he has a comedic touch. At the same time, he paints a disturbing portrait of a psychotic man who believes so fully in his own destiny that he will commit any crime to make it happen. This one is especially rewarding for those of us in the production world who have ever had to serve as a buffer between a famous person and an over-eager fan.

Pickup on South Street (1953) Dir. Sam Fuller: Back in the day, shooting on location was a sure sign of a low-budget independent film. Sam Fuller specialized in gritty, violent films shot on location. This one is no exception. If you're not already a Richard Widmark fan, you will be after seeing this. Nobody played a petty criminal like Widmark; this, Kiss of Death, Night and the City. It's practically its own sub-genre.

Cruising (1980) Dir. William Friedkin: Usually considered a complete disaster. An offensive piece of garbage. A fundamentally terrible movie with no justification for existing. Stomach-Turning. Any criticism you can come up with in your head, you could probably apply to this movie. HOWEVER, I love it. 80's Sex Thrillers might be my favorite overly-specific sub-genre. Why do I love them so much? What I look for in a movie is to be enveloped in another world. To live someone else's life for two hours (or three or four...). This sub-genre, when done well, is almost always successful on this front. They present some kind of weird subculture and have a relatively naive character enter into it and quickly drown in the disgusting details. Cruising takes an unblinking look at the gay S&M underworld of the early 80's, a world which I admit I previously knew very little about. Plus, this movie really gains an unintended metaphorical meaning in the post-HIV world. To top it all off, it is quotable as hell and a fun movie to watch with squimmish friends.

Death Wish 3 (1985) Dir. Michael Winner: Charles Bronson is old as fuck, has a huge gun, and kills hundreds of no-goodnicks. Kinda speaks for itself. The main bad guy's death seen is one of the best of all time (ya know, if you're into that whole thing).

Escape from NewYork (1981) Dir. John Carpenter: Look around New York. Step out your door and just take it all in. Does Manhattan seem like it should be a gigantic prison that houses the world's most dangerous criminals because it is already so far gone that it might as well be a prison? Well, in 1981, apparently, it did. Any movie with Kurt Russell, Donald Pleasance, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Harry Dean Stanton, and Isaac Hayes is bound to be awesome. The fact that it takes place in a city-wide prison only makes it better.

Out for Justice (1991) Dir. John Flynn: Steven Seagal attempting a Brooklyn accent, kicking ass all over town, and defending helpless dogs and prostitutes should be enough. But if it isn't, William Forsythe is absolutely awesome as a crack-smoking mafia kingpin (William Forsythe, for the record, is not Italian and couldn't pass for Italian after a six month stay in a tanning bed). The high point? Seagal is beating up everything in sight in a pool hall filled with Mafiosos when all the sudden he encounters an Asian stick fighting specialist who just happened to hanging out there. Only in New York!

That's enough for one night. You should also watch pretty much any Woody Allen movie if you're looking for more of a New York fix.

Mike

The Silent Film Email

Original Title: Silent Film Email
Original Date Sent: August 13, 2011
Sent to: Various folks that I tend to whom I tend to send these things.
Context: Oh, no real reason. Had some downtime at work and wrote it over the course of a few days. I'm not even sure that this was requested or anything. The "subtle impetus" in the first paragraph was probably not along the lines of "Send a silent film email!" but rather, "That last email wasn't too bad. Do you think you'll ever send another?"

Hello Friends,

I have decided (with some subtle impetus) to write an email about
silent films. For those that missed my previous epic email (the rise
of pro wrestler CM Punk), fear not! This one will be just as dorky and
pointless.

Silent films are a last frontier of sorts for movie fans (I would say
Silent Films are THE last frontier, but foreign animation is way
harder to get into, in my opinion. It's kid of like how the depths of
the ocean have proven far more unconquerable than space). They require
a lot more attention, they are (in some cases) difficult to find, and
their glacial pacing can be a trial even to the most dedicated movie
watcher (I refuse to use the word "buff" in relation to anything
except making a car look shiny). But there are plenty of stand outs
that are not only rewarding but, in some cases, even easy to sit
through.

For the purposes of this email, I'm dividing the films into the two
traditional categories that the Greeks made up thousands of years ago:
Comedy and Tragedy. Now, I know what you're thinking. Something along
the lines of, "Damn it Mike Coast, City Lights is much closer to a
Tragedy than a Comedy. Just because it has Chaplin you think you can
shove it into a category with all his other stuff. I hate you and I
wished you'd stop clogging my inbox. I'm expecting an important work
email and I have to deal with your over-simplifications.
Unbelievable!" This is a completely justified criticism and one that
I'm happy to ignore.

So anyway, here's a list of Silent Movies that I think are exceptional
and that you may as well.

Comedy

I admit, there are only going to be three people represented here. I'm
not really up on my Charlie Chase, Max Linder, or early WC Fields
(though I'd love to do a Fields/Laurel & Hardy/Marx Bros. email in the
future). Sorry, but you'll have to make due with Chaplin, Keaton, and
Lloyd. I'm sure you'll be fine.

City Lights (1931) Dir. Charlie Chaplin - So, like I said earlier,
City Lights is technically a comedy but it's also a bit of a downer.
Chaplin falls in love with, and gets his heart broken by, a blind
girl. Hilarity ensues!

Modern Times (1936) Dir. Charlie Chaplin - Okay, this isn't actually a
silent film (it's been called a "mute" film), but it's close enough.
There are sounds from the machines, but no actual dialogue. They are
probably making a statement about how the past (silent characters,
embodied by Chaplin) are ill equipped to deal with the brave new world
of machines. Yeah, comedies can somehow speak about larger issues in
the world. Crazy, right? It's the Office Space of the 30's with less
rap music and an even deeper fear of copy machines.

The Gold Rush (1925) Dir. Charlie Chaplin - Chaplin eats his own shoe.
I liked it better when Werner Herzog did it myself. There is a
much-maligned version where Chaplin narrates the proceedings as they
happen. To me, it almost makes it funnier. Chaplin's proper English
voice saying things along the line of, "This cabin doesn't look like
much" gives it an even more antiquated air despite the fact that it
was designed for modern audiences (well, "modern" audiences of the
40's). In any case, it's a fun movie and you should see it.

The General (1926) Dir. Clyde Bruckman & Buster Keaton - When Jackie
Chan first broke in America, Roger Ebert compared him to Buster Keaton
every chance he got. No, not because Buster Keaton beat up guys with
refrigerators or included gag reels at the end of all his movies. It's
because they are both comedic stuntmen, putting their lives on the
line for a few chuckles from the audience. While Jackie Chan slides
down the side of a building in Hong Kong, Keaton rides on the front of
a train. The General isn't the funniest of Keaton's movies (and I'm
not even sold on it being the best), but the spectacle alone makes
this a must-see.

Our Hospitality (1923) Dir. John G. Blystone & Buster Keaton -
Probably Keaton's funniest movie. Takes place in the South where
Keaton runs afoul of a rival family. Much less stunt-heavy than most
of his films. Here Keaton gets laughs from the strength of the
situations and gags. It seems like this style of comedy is much more
prevalent in his shorts than in his features. So if you like this,
it's worth diving further into his catalogue.

Sherlock Jr. (1924) Dir. Buster Keaton - An honest-to-God surrealist
masterpiece. Keaton plays a movie projectionist who is transported
into the films that he is showing. It's a great mix of everything that
Buster Keaton does well placed within a truly interesting frame. It's
almost like something that would be the plot of a cartoon. It's also
one of those movies that especially dorky movie types love because of
the sheer joy it takes in the young art of cinema.

The Freshman (1925) Dir. Fred C. Newmeyer - Everyone knows Chaplin.
Less people know Keaton. Even fewer are aware of Harold Lloyd. His
films aren't as complete as Chaplin's and Keaton's, but they are just
as funny. This is probably his defining movie. Lloyd plays the plucky
All-American boy who goes off to college with dreams of women, sports,
and being the big man on campus. Predictably, he is not very good at
any of these things. But, full of the won't-take-no-for-an-answer
American spirit, Lloyd forges ahead with his dreams. Sidenote on Lloyd
: keep an eye on his hand. You'll find that it's quite obviously made
of wood in some scenes. This is because years before Lloyd was doing a
scene with one of those big round bombs that look over-the-top and
ridiculous. Well, that over-the-top, ridiculous bomb blew up in his
hand. Whoops! That makes the stunt he pulled in the following film
even more impressive...

Safety Last (1923) Dir. Fred C. Newmeyer & Sam Taylor - Remember that
scene in Back to the Future when Doc Brown hangs off the clocktower.
That's taken from this movie. The art of stealing in movies is always
a tricky subject (so tricky that we use the word homage instead, even
when bending the meaning of that word to its breaking point).
Tarantino has been accused of it many times (much of the look and plot
of Reservoir Dogs was taken from Hong Kong action film City on Fire,
for instance). The climactic confrontation in The Warriors is taken
shot for shot from Yojimbo. The restaurant scene in Ghost Train is
taken directly from David Lynch's Dune. It's part of what makes the
movie world go 'round. Oh yeah, the movie is funny too.

Tragedy

This is more like it. Silent Comedy is fun and translates much better
to the demands of modern audiences. But the grand tragedies of the of
the Silent Era are a glorious slog. Often with three or four hour
running times, these films bring rewards that are truly incredible and
speak volumes about the human experience without ever making a sound.

Battleship Potemkin (1925) Dir. Sergei Eisenstein - Hey, speaking of
"homages," Brian DePalma steals quite a bit from Potemkin in The
Untouchables. Make no mistake, this is a propaganda film, through and
through. It is also very much a product of its time when it comes to
acting, plot, and structure. Two things stand out though. Sergei
Eisenstein is credited with practically inventing modern editing
techniques. Everything flows so seamlessly and is so easy to
understand. Also, it provides a pace that is unmatched in its era
which makes it a little easier for impatient audiences to watch. The
other thing that really stands out here is the incredible Odessa Steps
sequence (I'm a fan and clearly DePalma is as well). It is an
incredibly violent depiction of Tsarist troops firing upon civilians
punctuated by the image of a baby carriage hurtling down the massive
stone steps. And the image of a man being shot through his glasses in
the eye has been used countless times, most notably in The Godfather.
It's a virtuoso sequence from one of the best directors to ever live.

Intolerance (1916) Dir. D.W. Griffith - Birth of a Nation is
overrated. Not because it's racist (it is), but because for every big
grand battle scene there are several awkward, terrible chamber pieces
between the family members and politicians and such. It's a Silent
Film almost begging for dialogue. Intolerance, on the other hand, is
where Griffith really shines as the premier filmmaker of his day. It's
almost shocking to see the level of violence, nudity, and chaos here.
The Babylon scenes in particular are fairly mind-blowing. The
intercutting between different stories with parallel themes served as
a model for later works such as The Fountain and The Godfather Part
II. The crew, actors, and extras were probably horribly abused
throughout filming and you can feel it in the finished product. Almost
like a pair of Nike's out of the sweatshop. You kinda feel dirty
wearing them, but what craftsmanship!

Metropolis (1927) Dir. Fritz Lang - Fritz Lang is one of the world's
great filmmakers. This is usually the first of his films to pop into
one's mind (and that's mostly because of the robot woman which may be
the single most iconic image of the Silent Era that doesn't involve a
Tramp eating a shoe or the front of a house falling around a guy who
happens to be standing in the right spot). If you're not familiar with
Fritz Lang beyond that, go watch M, Fury, Hangmen Also Die, The Big
Heat, and The Testament of Dr. Mabuse. I'll wait....There, now that
you've done that, you probably want to watch Metropolis. It's a sci-fi
epic of the highest order that cares far more about the relationship
of the proletariat (who literally dwell in the depths of the earth) to
the rich than to the futuristic elements of its story. The movement of
Expressionism in German film had been established before this in The
Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (worth seeing for the bizarre production
design that has been aped by Tim Burton in every movie of his but
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure) but is truly mastered by Lang. This is not
only one of the most influential film's of its era, but of all time.

The Last Laugh (1924) Dir. F.W. Murnau - Like Griffith, Murnau is
famous for the wrong movie. Yes, Nosferatu is good, iconic, and it was
cute when Willem DaFoe played the part as if it was a real vampire.
But the Last Laugh was an incredible step forward in cinema. For
instance, you're probably familiar with the concept that the camera
sometimes moves. This is a fairly common occurrence IN EVERY SINGLE
MOVIE. But that has not always been the case. Murnau (and I have no
way of backing this up) essentially invented the tracking shot. And he
did it in definitive and disturbing fashion, just like a German
Expressionist should. The story is about an old door man who loses his
job and with it his pride and purpose in life. I know, totally not
relatable to the modern day. Anyway, at one point the depths of his
anguish are so deep that he goes running through his slum while the
(very ugly) old women lean out their windows and laugh at him. The
camera, situated in front of Emil Jannings (who Tarantino kills off in
Inglourious Basterds), tracks backwards as he runs past window after
window. It's easy to take the technical side of it for granted now,
but it's hard to deny the emotional impact of the scene. The only
thing to be careful of here is that the version released in America
has a tacked on happy ending. See, it wasn't cocaine-fueled executives
in the 80's who started the trend of bastardizing foreign movies after
all.

The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928) Dir. Carl Theodor Dreyer - To me,
this is the greatest silent film ever made. The claustrophobia, the
shots so close that you can read every line on an actor's face, the
incredible set design. It's a powerful film and not just because it
deals with religion (Dreyer's other great work, Ordet, is powerful
precisely because it deals with religion). At it's core, this is the
story of one human being who is about to lose her life. There isn't
even an element of the "crime she didn't commit." Sure, she is
officially burned as a witch. But remember, she was also a warrior,
the woman who led the French side during the Hundred Years War. And
she knows this and is resolved to it. The film is essentially her
acceptance of her imminent death with her faith as a tool of this
acceptance. Oh, and the lead actress never did another movie. I don't
even have a clever analogy for that.

The Man with the Movie Camera (1929) Dir. Dziga Vertov - A documentary
of film. Like, the art and craft of film. Basically, Vertov used every
camera trick he could think of to create a portrait of a city hurtling
into the modern age. I'd describe it more, but there's not really much
more to say. You kinda just have to experience it. Sit back and soak
it in. You come away marveling and how far in-camera special effects
had come in so short a time.

Nanook of the North (1922) Dir. Robert J. Flaherty - Another
documentary. This time it's about an Eskimo (I know that's not the
politically correct term but I can't remember the real one. Sorry.)
named Nanook who lives in the Arctic, kills seals, provides for his
family, and is generally just a badass. It was later revealed that
much of the action was staged. So I guess it's more like the first
Reality Show. The approach to the material is a little dated. Well,
maybe a lot dated. But we tend to give these films a pass as far as
morality goes and in the grand scheme of things, Nanook is fairly
innocuous.

Greed (1924) Dir. Erich von Stroheim - The complete, 10 hour version
of this movie is one of the holy grails of the film world. Others
include the original cut of The Magnificent Ambersons, a complete
version of Metropolis (they recently found 40 minutes of incredible
footage that has just been re-released. This movie is like Tupac), and
Jerry Lewis's epic Holocaust disaster The Day the Clown Cried. The
existing version of Greed is only four hours. It's long and slow
(remember that grand slog I mentioned earlier?) but it's also easy to
see how it could be even better with an extra six hours. In essence,
it would be like watching an entire miniseries in one sitting. The
story tracks a family's rise to the world of wealth and subsequent
collapse back into poverty. The end of the film is one of the best
ever. I don't want to spoil it, but it finds the characters going
West. It ends in such perfect, terrifying fashion that it makes the
whole four hours worth the wait. Occasionally, there are moments in
film where I am overjoyed, even enraptured, that I've chosen to pursue
a career in this field. The end of Greed is one of those moments.

The Iron Horse (1924) Dir. John Ford - John Ford is an unquestioned
legend. He won four Oscars for Best Director, launched John Wayne's
career, and made some of the most influential films of all time. This
is a very early display of his talents. It's essentially the story of
how the railroads played a big part in conquering the West. It's a
little antiquated in its attitudes (if you think The Searchers is
racist...), but it's also a great display of Ford's early work and a
harbinger of the powerhouse that he would become.

That's all I've got for now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Mike Coast

PS - As usual, feel free to forward this if you know anyone who wants
to read about Silent Film or just has way too much time on their
hands.