Original Date Sent: April 2, 2013
Sent to: The people with whom I will be attending this spectacular event.
Context: Umm...it's Wrestlemania! And I'm going! Hopefully I won't be too stuffed/sick from our tailgate to properly enjoy the Showcase of the Immortals.
This is it! It’s finally here! We’re just five days away from Wrestlemania 29 at Metlife Stadium in not-so-beautiful East Rutherford, New Jersey. I’ll be in attendance for my first live WWE PPV since Summerslam 2004 in Toronto. It’s shaping up to be an interesting show with several matches that could go either way (both in terms of quality and results). Here’s a match-by-match preview.
Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay & Tensai) & The Funkadactyls (Cameron & Naomi) vs. Team Rhodes Scholars (Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes) & The Bella Twins
This will most likely be the pre-show match to get the crowd excited since in WWE fat dudes dancing and women catfighting equals excitement. But the real excitement in this match comes in the form of the best duo in all of wrestling, Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes. The Rhodes Scholars, best friends and intellectual elites, split up after losing yet another match for the Tag Team Titles at Royal Rumble. They’ve since repeatedly done special reunions (in part as an in-joke on the constant DX reunions done by WWE) and seem to be a permanent fixture once again. This will probably be short and the funky dinosaur themed team will probably win.
Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
Fandango is a newly-debuted evil ballroom dancer. This will be his first official match. He’s picked a fight with Jericho because Jericho has been making fun of his name in a very Chris Jericho way. So yeah, there’s not much there. But given Y2J’s popularity and the way that Johnny Curtis has embraced his new character, Fandango is sure to be the most lustily booed person in the arena not named John Cena.
Intercontinental Title Match
Wade Barrett © vs. The Miz
Ah yes, three things involved here that WWE seems to have no idea what to do with: Wade Barrett, The Miz, and the Intercontinental Title. It’s lead to a rather uninspiring build for a match that is in danger of being equally uninspiring. Then again, Barrett is a former bare knuckle boxing champion and Miz has a very punchable face.
Ryback vs. Mark Henry
Two giant guys trying to lift and punch each other. Ryback is sort of like a shorter version of Goldberg mixed with a paintless version of The Ultimate Warrior in Rob Van Dam’s airbrushed singlet. Mark Henry is a trash-talking monster who is so thick and so wide that he could be said to blot out the sun. This seems like it’ll be a showcase for Ryback, who despite his dominance hasn’t managed to notch a PPV win since early last fall.
WWE Tag Team Title Match
Team Hell No (Daniel Bryan & Kane) © vs. Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston
Now here’s a match that I’m excited to see. Last year at Wrestlemania, Daniel Bryan lost the World Heavyweight Title to Sheamus in just eighteen seconds. The next night on Raw, the crowd drowned out every single segment with “YES!” chants in support of Daniel Bryan and in protest of the injustice that the best pure wrestler in the world did not get a proper Wrestlemania match. From there, Bryan was given PPV matches for both top titles and eventually won the Tag Titles as one half of a mismatched partners team with Kane. The duo has continued to be a crowd-favorite and it seems likely that they’ll hang onto the titles for at least another month. On the other side of the ring is a team consisting of two other favorites of the internet set: Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston. Last year at Wrestlemania, Ziggler did this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yni4FUi9ZYc. He is also currently the holder of the Money in the Bank briefcase for the World Heavyweight Title (more on that later). Big E was recently called up from WWE’s developmental program NXT (where he was one of my the most popular characters) to be Ziggler’s muscle. This will be his debut match. Also in Ziggler’s corner is his girlfriend AJ Lee. AJ has previously dated both Daniel Bryan and Kane and is the main impetus for this match taking place. If this gets the time it deserves it could be one of the best matches of the show.
The Shield (Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns) vs. Randy Orton & Sheamus & The Big Show
The Shield have had three matches in WWE since debuting at Survivor Series. They have won them all and each has been excellent. They work together so well as a team and all three guys are perfect fits for their respective roles. This time they go up against a trio of top stars with nothing else to do at Wrestlemania. Luckily, they’re also three guys who seem willing to make younger talent look good and are big enough stars to warrant a lengthy Wrestlemania match. In a night where a lot of good guys are going to get redemption, this seems like the perfect match for the bad guys to come out on top. My other prediction is that Roman Reigns will spear The Big Show through something cool (sort of like these two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4415QDNC5Mg).
World Heavyweight Title Match
Alberto Del Rio © vs. Jack Swagger
Okay, let’s see here. Del Rio used to be a charismatic bad guy but recently reformed. He had a few good months as a face but has turned fairly bland during the Wrestlemania build. Swagger was off TV for a long time and was brought back recently as an anti-immigration Tea Party type complete with a right wing manager in a fishing vest. Swagger got a little bit of mainstream buzz due to a short-lived spat with Glenn Beck but that has long since fizzled. All that being said, this match could still be really good. Del Rio grew up in the business and was an accomplished amateur wrestler before entering the lucha circuit. Del Rio is also much better at longer matches than the eight minute TV affairs that he’s been getting lately. Swagger is limited, but can certainly hold up his end of the bargain in the ring. Regardless of who wins, however, it seems likely that the man to walk out of Wrestlemania with the World Heavyweight Title will be Dolph Ziggler (and given how stale both Del Rio and Swagger are at the moment, it might even get the biggest pop of the night).
No Holds Barred Match
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar
If Triple H loses this match he will retire. Nevermind that he’s pretty much retired already, wrestling only two matches in 2012. Lesnar has been a whirlwind and a breath of fresh air whenever he’s shown up on TV during the last year (not to mention the fact that he had the Match of the Year for WWE with John Cena at Extreme Rules). The match between these two at Summerslam was a little underwhelming, but this still has the potential to be awesome. Conventional wisdom has it that Triple H will get his win back and live to fight another day. But it’s certainly possible that Lesnar, rumored to have signed on for two more years, could lay waste to The Game and set himself up as the top contender for the WWE Title. Perhaps an Extreme Rules rematch with Cena is in the cards?
The Undertaker vs. CM Punk
Undertaker has never lost at Wrestlemania and in recent years his matches have been among the most anticipated and important on the card. This year he is paired with CM Punk, fresh off a 400+ day reign as WWE Champion. It seemed as if this would be a match purely about Punk trying to prove that he’s the best in the world and that he can end the streak. But then Paul Bearer, Undertaker’s former manager, died. During a tribute segment at the subsequent Raw, Punk stole the urn that was implicated to hold Bearer’s ashes and has since made a show of tossing it around and dropping it and throwing it like a football. Punk even went so far as to dump the ashes all over Undertaker last night on Raw. He’s been at his dickhead best and it’s added a new dimension to a match that otherwise didn’t have much of a reason to exist. It’s also worth noting that The Undertaker, despite his advanced age, has had the best match at Wrestlemania for at least the last four years in a row. This is easily my most anticipated match of the night and could really be something special. Undertaker will surely win and continue his legendary undefeated streak, but I guarantee there will be at least one point where everybody’s disbelief is thoroughly suspended for 2.9 seconds (like this moment last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9My_lvydYDs). The only thing missing from Punk’s resume at this point is a signature Wrestlemania bout. This could be it.
WWE Championship Match
The Rock © vs. John Cena
Since Wrestlemania is taking place at an outdoor stadium in the Northeast, it’s probably worth checking the weather report. Sunday looks to be cloudy with a high of fifty-four degrees and a 100% chance of raining garbage when John Cena wins this match. Ironically enough, the only way this won’t happen is if Cena finally turns heel. Rock is a movie star, Cena is the number one guy in the company. Rock is the champion and beat Cena at Wrestlemania last year. There’s some other stuff going on, but this one is all about 80,000 people slinging hate at John Cena. Surely, the “Cena Sucks” chants will be heard for miles in all directions; Trenton, Mineola, and White Plains. The air lingering above New Jersey will become even more polluted with the acid and bile spewed forth from the mouths of the massive anti-Cena contingent. It’s going to be a beautiful thing (and this is gonna be me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACKWK55Ic9M).
