"B" Villain Email

Original Title: My Favorite Movie "B" Villains
Original Date Sent: October 21, 2011
Sent to: The usual group of poor souls.
Context: No special context. Just felt like writing about some under-appreciated movie characters while imposing arbitrary rules upon myself.

Hello,

If you are receiving this, you have the immense fortune to be on my
involuntary email distribution list. Congratulations! I was originally
going to do a super-niche one based around one specific period of
Japanese Wrestling (the junior heavyweights of late 80s-mid 90's in
NJPW, in case you're curious), but I elected to save that for a time
when I can really do some "research." So instead, here's something a
little more mainstream. It's a list of my personal favorite "B"
villains, mostly from action movies. Not the main guys who come up
with the plans, but the subordinates. It's easier to just dive into it
than explain.

Oh. And, uh, spoiler alert.

Movie: Die Hard
Character: Karl (Alexander Godunov)
Boss: Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman)
Why He's So Awesome: Everyone has acknowledged how awesome Hans Gruber
is at this point. And John McClane is about to star in his fifth
movie. Lost in the shuffle is Karl, who looks like what would happen
if Bjorn Borg traded in a tennis racket for a machine gun (and an
exploding hockey puck). Plus, the guy survives getting beaten, hung
from a chain, and blown up. He then blends into the crowd (despite
being a gigantic, terrifying-looking East German terrorist) so well
that he can ambush McClain from under his riot blanket. Finally, he
gets blown away by Carl Winslow. A first-ballot Hall of Famer and
perhaps the ultimate example of where I'm going with this email.
A Clip of Him in Action: Godunov talks about his character and
motivations or whatever. What's most notable his how much chest this
guy decided to show off for these interviews -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8BhUXXoJH0

Movie: Robocop
Character: Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith)
Boss: Dick Jones (Ronny Cox)
Why He's So Awesome: The guy starts the movie by throwing one of his
own gang members out of a moving truck and onto the windshield of a
cop car. Then he tortures poor Peter Weller. He looks like a middle
management guy who had a nervous breakdown and decided to become a
violent criminal instead. Oh, and he dips his dirty fingers in some
fat guy's glass of wine. That's not as badass as some of the other
stuff, but it sure ruined that guy's day (that and getting shot a
couple minutes later. That probably sucked too).
A Clip of Him in Action: Somebody made a Best of Clarence Boddicker
video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdZqKVcI9m8&feature=related

Movie: Total Recall
Character: Richter (Michael Ironside)
Boss: Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox)
Why He's So Awesome: Michael Ironside once played a guy who could make
heads explode with his mind. And that's only his second most badass
role. And how great is it that Verhoeven cast the same evil boss and
wanted to cast the same B-guy as well? And when that didn't work out,
he cast Ironside who has a similar look and demeanor (and was the
original choice for Clarence Boddicker anyway). Ironside is everything
you could want in a bad guy. He's sleazy, he's smarmy, he shoots an
innocent guy being used as a human shield, and even takes the time to
punch Arnold when he's strapped down in the memory erasing chair. And
no one else on this list is the subject of a one-liner better than
"I'll see you at the party Richter!"
A Clip of Him in Action: Richter's Last Stand -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEWHbhLx_-Y

Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark
Character: Toht (Ronald Lacey)
Boss: Technically it's probably Himmler, but for movie purposes we'll
say Rene Belloq (Paul Freeman).
Why He's So Awesome: Besides his choice in coat hangers, he's just a
really creepy looking dude. And I couldn't really do this email
without mentioning his face melting off. Has anyone else ever been
bothered by the fact that the Nazis in that movie are seeking the Ark
of the Covenant, a weapon that helped the Jews win several wars
centuries before? Did none of the junior SS officers point this out?
It just seems like they might be wary to use a weapon gifted by the
God of Israel to the people whom they were trying to eradicate. And
not one of the Nazi guys decided to close his eyes when shit started
to go bad? (If you think this is bad, you should hear me try to break
down the subway route in The Warriors. Hey! That reminds me...)
A Clip of Him in Action: Spielberg's peak in 20 seconds? -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3ythpzsu18

Movie: The Warriors
Character: The dude that looks kinda like Joey Ramone (Joel Weiss, maybe?)
Boss: Luther (David Patrick Kelly)
Why He's So Awesome: There's no way this guy was found at a casting
agency. He was probably hanging out with some of his filthy, loser
friends on the Lower East Side and just got snatched up based on his
goofy looks, marble-mouthed line delivery, and willingness to be hit
by David Patrick Kelly in pretty much every scene he appears.
A Clip of Him of Him in Action: The dude in question trying to talk to
DPK but getting hit for his troubles -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3WChJjjoTs

Movie: Running Man
Character: Fireball (Jim Brown)
Boss: Killian (Richard Dawson)
Hwy He's So Awesome: Do you need any reason other than Jim Brown with
a flame thrower? Fireball is like the closer who comes out of the
bullpen late to shut down the competition. The whole movie Jim Brown
sits at the 80's yuppie party with his futuristic haircut watching
Arnold mow down scrubs like Sub Zero and Dynamo. When he finally gets
in the game, he delivers one of my favorite lines of a movie chock
full of them.
A Clip of Him in Action: Maria Conchita Alonso is pretty sure these
were last season's winners. Jim Brown begs to differ -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQiNYtkwuyw

Movie: Under Siege
Character: Commander Krill (Gary Busey)
Boss: Stranix (Tommy Lee Jones)
Why He's So Awesome: Well, it's Gary Busey right on the cusp of
becoming a crazy old man. And he dresses in drag. And he spits in
Seagal's soup. He also does the classic bad guy move of treating his
subordinates like shit, be they Navy midshipmen, terrorists who also
seem to own a catering company, or a Russian submarine crew.
A Clip of Him in Action: Busey has to put up with a lot of shit -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCId3kjWPs8

Movie: Cop Land
Character: Robert Patrick
Boss: Ray Donlan (Harvey Keitel)
Why he's awesome: I don't even want or need to look up his character
name. It's Robert "T-1000" Patrick as a crooked cop with a sweet
mustache. In a movie full of big name actors, he's the only one that I
remember anything about. I think Stallone is deaf or something too.
Someone needs to make an edited version of this movie so that it's
just the Robert Patrick scenes.
A Clip of Him in Action: Couldn't find any exclusive stuff with him in
it, but here he is getting gunned down as part of the final shootout.
Like I said, let's base a movie around that guy -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emeGfvVJaBY&feature=related

Movie: Platoon
Character: Sgt. Barnes (Tom Berenger)
Boss: This one's an exception. The real enemies here are the NVA and
the Viet Cong. In fact, Barnes is portrayed as being way more evil
than they are.
Why He's So Awesome: First of all, his performance was nominated for
an Academy Award (as was the next guy on our list). Second, his
good-old boy sociopathy made Charlie Sheen seem relatively sane and
innocent. And his "What do ya'll know about death" speech is easily
the best thing Tom Berenger has ever done. If that's not enough, he
beat Scorsese to the punch as far as killing Willem Dafoe for our
sins.
A Clip of Him in Action: "I am reality" -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cyXO5tO6kw

Movie: Shane
Character: Jack Wilson (Jack Palance)
Boss: Rufus Ryker (Emile Meyer)
Why He's So Awesome: The perfect Western bad guy. Man in black. Comes
from nowhere. Hired by a rich guy to kill the working farmer types.
He's like a one-man seedy underbelly of American history (which is
probably what makes the Bill Hicks rant about him so great). There are
very few deaths scenes in Westerns better than when he sadistically
toys with Elisha Cook.
A Clip of Him in Action: Jack Palance is cold as ice -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4qQtWjXPv4
Bonus Clip: Bill Hicks on Jack Palance in Shane -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfL4S5nI3Kw

Movie: Blazing Saddles
Character: Taggart (Slim Pickens)
Boss: Hedley Lamarr (Harvey Korman)
Why He's So Awesome: There's a 95% chance that Slim had no clue what
was going on while filming Blazing Saddles. He had surely never heard
of Mel Brooks, probably didn't read the script before he got his sides
each morning, and even the most obvious points of humor were likely
lost on him. If anything, Mel Brooks probably just followed him around
Bowfinger-style and spliced his footage into the rest of the movie.
A Clip of Him in Action: Slim Pickens hates singing and Kansas City -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gj9uEeuDtQ

Movie: 48 Hours
Character: Billy Bear (Sonny Landham)
Boss: Ganz (James Remar)
Why He's So Awesome: It's very rare when someone can outdo James Remar
on the Macho Scumbag Scale. Landham, a former porn star and someone
who employed a bodyguard to protect other people from him, is totally
believable as a drug-addicted murderer who beats up his girlfriend.
And that name. How great is that? Doesn't Billy Bear sound like the
name of one of your dad's old drinking buddies who no one has seen in
over a decade? It's probably because he's been breaking James Remar
out of jail and making Nick Nolte seem like Atticus Finch.
A Clip of Him in Action: I could not find any Billy Bear clips.
Instead, here is Sonny Landham (again playing a character named Billy)
cutting himself with a machete -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jez8-ORTFU&feature=related

Movie: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Character: Guy of Gisborne (Michael Wincott and his raspy voice)
Boss: The Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman)
Why He's So Awesome: That dude has the most awesome bad guy voice
ever. As soon as he opens his mouth you know he's evil. That's
probably why he also plays the head bad guy (The Crow, Strange Days)
so often. The big reason he's on here is that Wincott turning up his
nose at Robin Hood returning from the Crusades is like the medieval
equivalent of spitting on a Vietnam vet and calling him a baby killer.
A Clip of Him in Action: Michael Wincott's awesome voice vs. Kevin
Costner's laughable accent -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgEX8QRbxss

Movie: Road Warrior
Character: Wez (Vernon Wells)
Boss: Lord Humungus (Kjell Nilsson)
Why He's So Awesome: He keeps a sex slave (male) on a leash and then
sheds real tears when the poor little guy gets killed by a boomerang.
It's almost heartwarming. And I also needed someone to fill my
"multicolored mohawk" quota. Besides that, Vernon Wells also played a
guy who I would love to honor but cannot - Bennett in Commando.
Despite being the second in command, he is clearly the primary villain
and the last guy to die at the hands of the hero (it's the same reason
I left out Darth Vader, for those wondering). But Road Warrior is
plenty awesome and I'm glad Vernon Wells made the cut.
A Clip of Him in Action: Wez grieves and vows vengeance for his fallen
boy toy. Give this man an Oscar! -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zxGZYqmo4M&feature=related
Bonus Clip: Vernon Wells letting off some steam -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-tRErs5UcI

Movie: Tombstone
Character: Johnny Ringo (Michael Biehn)
Boss: Curly Bill Brocius (Powers Boothe)
Why He's So Awesome: Too many time's we are subjected to the copout
where the "B" Villain meets his end at the hands of the "B" hero (Die
Hard is both, so it's excused). All too often, we don't get the
satisfying catharsis (in the form of bloody death/explosion) of
watching our hero destroy the lead henchman/underboss/lieutenant. For
instance, I will never, for the life of me, figure out why Bolo Yeung
fights John Saxon, not Bruce Lee, in Enter the Dragon. This is one
case where not only does the "B" hero get the confrontation with the
"B" villain, but the audience is actually excited to see it. Every
time Doc Holiday comes around that tree and says "I'm your
huckleberry," I get a giant grin on my face. As far as why he's
awesome? It's Michael Biehn with a gun and a working knowledge of
Latin.
A Clip of Him in Action: The showdown between Johnny Ringo and Wyatt
Ear...OH WAIT A MINUTE! - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfbAFgD2mLo

That's all for now. I will probably do a best random bad
guy/henchman/thug email in the future so that you can be privy to even
more of my obsession with action movie minutiae.

As always, feel free to forward this on or print it and then burn it
or whatever.

Mike Coast