The Pizza Email

Original Title: The Pizza Email
Original Date Sent: July 7, 2011
Sent to: Various people who enjoy the pizza of New York City
Context: I get a tad excited about pizza. People often ask me about it, so I wrote a short guide.

Hello,

I am sending you this email because in the past you may have shown the slightest interest in the pizza of New York City. Feel free to delete or forward to whomever you may wish.

Here is a semi-exhaustive list of the best pizza places within the city limits (we'll save the best of New Haven, Jersey, Long Island, Chicago, and Yonkers for another day...). I will also include some pretenders that I feel like ripping apart. This list is in no particular order and you may decide what is the best based on your own personal preferences. All of the places on this list may be thought of as equals (though as Orwell said, some are more equal than others).

Anyway, here they are, organized by borough.

The Bronx

I have yet to find a definitive place there, and not for lack of trying. There's Full Moon Pizza in Little Italy that is so much like a Ray's that it should be called Famous Original Full Moon Pizza. Zero Otto Nove, also in Little Italy, was a trendy pick in the recent past. Fresh ingredients, real tomatoes, civilized proportions...in other words, it's a place that appeals to the New York Magazine crowd and not so much to the Mike Coast crowd (a one person crowd, I admit). There's also a slice place called Tommy's in Throg's Neck that's a hike to get to and falls just short of being worth it. It's good,but not worth the trip. If I ever move to Throg's Neck, though...

Staten Island

So, nothing in the Bronx is worth the hike (and if you think I'm wrong, please correct me. I'd love to find a great place up there). Staten Island, on the other hand, has several that are worth the Subway, Ferry, Bus trifecta.

Joe & Pat's - Staten Island has long been known as the place where wealthy Italians go to buy McMansions and indulge all their gaudy whims (don't worry, I'm 1/8 Italian. By Seinfeld rules I can say these things (for future reference, I am also allowed to make fun of the Irish and Polish in similar fashion)(Also, I'm not saying that all Italians are gaudy. Just the ones on Staten Island)). That's why it's so odd that the one thing that's not completely over-the-top there is their pizza. Joe & Pat's is delicate in taste and composition. The crust is famously cracker thin and just slightly crispy. This is the type of place where you'll see a Little League team celebrate after a big win and you'll grow immediately jealous that they get to come here and you had to go to Pizza Hut (not to trash Pizza Hut. I have indulged in their lunch buffet many times. But a Joe & Pat's lunch buffet...holy shit).

Da Nino's - I've only been there once but it was great. There is a great ice cream place right across the street as well. There is a school of thought that this is the superior pizza place. And yes, I just used the word "school" in reference to a place on Staten Island.

A&S Pizza - So, it's not the best in the world. Just a small slice place. But, it's right by the ferry for those people that are afraid to take the bus into Staten Island's Heart of Darkness. It also has a soft spot in for me because of the "Ass Pizza" moniker that has since been attached to it. I'm probably underselling it right now because it's actually quite good. If you just want to ride the ferry for an up close, poor man's view of the Statue of Liberty it's certainly worth stopping here before you turn around and sail back to civilization.

Queens

A quick disclaimer. Queens is fucking huge. I have by no means tried everything. Not even close. And most of the one's I've been to are of the one off variety. A&J, out in Forest Hills has an exceptional Grandma slice. But how often do I find myself in Forest Hills? There are a couple places that had pleasant slices, but nothing that I can really remember. So there's only like two on this list and they're both in Astoria. Lame, I know.

A&J - Fuck it. Go to Forest Hills. Their sauce is delicious and chunky and sweet and it's piled on top of a regular square slice. It's also Hank Azaria's favorite pizza. If it's good enough for Apu, Chief Wiggum, and Agador Spartacus, it's good enough for me.

Michael Angelo's - Hidden away on a sidestreet somewhere in the far end of Astoria. They have a pizza called the Sophia Loren that has a different taste every bite. And though the fresh mozzarella/fresh tomatoes combination may sound healthy, there is enough olive oil dumped on top to make it sufficiently greasy and drippy.

Rizzo's - Yes. My personal favorite square slice place (the only rival to that throne appears later in the list). The cheese and sauce are both different than regular pizza. I'd describe them in detail, but I'm not a food critic. I am an awesomeness critic. And Rizzo's is awesome. They have also stuck to serving RC Cola. Oh, and they will often give you a free slice if it's your first time there. Like I said, awesome.

Manhattan

Ignore anything that's a chain. Any Patsy's where the majority of the neighborhood doesn't speak Spanish, any Totonno's where you can't hear a rollercoaster while you're eating, any variation of Ray's (fine for lunch or whatever, but you're not doing yourself any favors by going there), Sbarro, La Famiglia, Two Brothers...just ignore them. Also, Artichoke is burned crap that is trying way too hard to produce a DiFara's knockoff. Never have I gone there and thought to myself "Wow! That wasn't disappointing at all!"

Lombardi's - The original great pizza place. It's crowded and expensive and follows the golden rule of Little Italy (Authentic Italian Food Cooked by Mexicans), but I've never had anything less than great pizza there.

Patsy's - The one in Spanish Harlem. The best pizza on the island of Manhattan (and it ain't close). The crust is the thinnest imaginable and yet if you look at a slice from the side you can still see that it's slightly bubbled. I once went there by myself, ordered a large pie, downed it in one sitting, and got applauded by a bunch of old people. I'm also afraid to put any toppings on these because the crust is so goddamn thin I'm afraid that they will fall right through.

John's on Bleecker Street - Good old-fashion coal oven goodness. Cash only. Delicious. Reasonably priced. Pictures of celebrities awkwardly standing next to the owner. Walls devoted to Italy and to Astronauts. It's everything a pizza place should be.

Joe's - Slice place by the W 4th St. Subway station. Spiderman worked there in one of those movies. If a space alien landed on Earth and said "I have heard tales in the Andromeda galaxy of this thing you humans call New York style pizza. Not Neopolitan or Sicilian mind you, but just a New York thin crust slice. Take me to a place where they serve an example of this and I will spare your otherwise useless planet," you would take him here.

Bleecker Street Pizza - Umm, you could probably take that alien here as well. Looks fairly unassuming except for all the awards and shit on the walls. They also have much more variety than Joe's, if that's your thing.

Sal & Carmine's - The saltiest pizza on Earth (I'm pretty sure it's because of the cheese they use and not that they just dump salt on top). The "Sal" of the namesake died the same day as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Or maybe it was "Carmine." Either way, the one that's still alive continues to make great pizza that requires a drink on the side.

Brooklyn

The pinnacle of pizza. If you at all enjoy dough, sauce, and cheese cooked together in an oven, you are required to eat at all of this places. That's not to say that all the places in Brooklyn are incredible. After first visiting the much-hyped Lucali, I remember quipping that "Lucali" must be Italian for "Amateur Hour." (Hilarious, I know). There are a couple good places in Red Hook, but they are not good enough for me to remember their names (one is something like Amanti's and the other is something like Rocky Sullivan's or some other Irish/Italian hybrid). There are also plenty of slice places like My Little Pizza and Sal's that I'm basically glossing over. I'm sure there are hidden places in Bensonhurst that I'm not aware of. I'd also be remiss if I didn't confess to often getting a Hot 'n' Ready $5 pizza from the Little Caesar's in Bushwick.

Grimaldi's - The be-all-end-all. It's worth waiting in line, it's never short of transcendent, and it has the best pepperoni in the world. Some people think Grimaldi's is overrated. Those people are stupid and should learn to like a different food.

DiFara - One of the great conundrums of the pizza world. Is it worth going to Midwood, wading through Hassidic Jews, waiting forever, and getting insanely frustrated for pizza that costs a small fortune? Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but I no longer think that it is. However, if you've never been it's a must. Get while the old guy Dom is still alive. Much like pledging a fraternity, it's the best thing that you never want to do again (Well, I'd actually go through pledging again in a heartbeat. Hazing = Life).

Totonno's - The best food that Coney Island has to offer. Fuck Nathan's. The pizza is great, of course. The real treat here is the rude (and borderline malicious) wait staff. If you walk in and get yelled at, don't fret. It's part of the experience. In all likelihood, there will be a 180 turn within minutes where they say something really tender and poetic about feeding the seagulls with leftover pizza crust. It's like eating dinner with your abusive, manic-depressive family.

L&B Spumoni Gardens - Remember how I alluded to the only real rival to the Rizzo's square slice monopoly? This is what I was talking about. I've been here three time and that's not nearly enough. People from Bensonhurst hate when this place gets brought up because they don't want their secret to get out. There is also an ice cream place attached that is about as good as their pizza. Also, I'm pretty sure it's the only place on this list with its own parking lot.

******

That's all I can think of offhand. Hope this wasn't too tedious to read.

Mike Coast