Saturday, April 18, 2015

Pool Troll and Beyond the Infinite

Most of my associations with music are tied to visuals. I don’t know if that’s actually very rare at all, but it feels unusual to me. It’s not so much music videos either - though, like most everyone in my general age range certain songs will forever be matched with imagery I first saw on MTV. I don’t think anyone who’s seen the “Sledgehammer” video could ever think of anything else while hearing that song. Sometimes it’s how a song was used in a movie. Sometimes I associate it with a party or a stretch of road at night or the look on the face of a girl I like.




I have a weird relationship with Pink Floyd in this sense. I associate their music with images, but not single images. I don’t associate them with any one thing. I associate many of their songs with many images all at once. And not because of drugs. Honestly. It’s because of my senior year of college.

Believe it or not, I was once considered to be very smart. I did very well in school - well enough to graduate a full semester early. Instead of going out into the real world and finding a job, however, I decided to stay on campus and just sort of...hang out. Now, even with a regular course load you have a lot of time on your hands during college. And when all you’re doing is working in a kitchen two hours a day and auditing one independent study, you end up with a whole lot of time to fill.

If you’ve ever been in a situation like this or if you’ve ever been unemployed or retired, you know that you end up picking up some strange hobbies. And I have picked up some very, very strange hobbies in my time.

One of the strangest of these was synchronizing music with movies. You’ve probably heard of synching the Dark Side of the Moon album with The Wizard of Oz. For most people that’s enough. For me, it was like a gateway drug into this whole world of endless possibilities. There’s actually a whole online community of people who do this as a hobby. Seemingly every popular movie of the past fifty years could be matched with an album. The results, of course, varied. Some produce amusing if incomplete spectacles. Some seemed as if they were audio/visual cocktails conjured up in mind of a crazy person - even crazier than the usual sort of person who got into this kind of thing. Some were quite impressive. What you consistently found, regardless of the quality of the end result, was that everybody gravitated toward Pink Floyd.



There’s a reason for that. A few of them, actually. First of all, unlike me, most of this community seemed to enjoy an herbally enhanced experience. Fair enough. Another reason is that they all know the basic moments of the Pink Floyd discography.thanks to the two highest profile syncs out there: Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon (colloquially known as The Dark Side of the Rainbow) and Alice in Wonderland with The Wall. There’s actually a third that I’ll come back to in just a moment.

The real reason probably has more to do with the nature of film editing itself. Most movies share similar rhythms as far as the motion of the actors and the cuts between camera shots go. You really start to notice that when you watch a film on mute with no real concern for the plot or the dialogue. There are exceptions, of course. Atypical filmmakers like Werner Herzog and David Lynch don’t really match up to outside music very well (at least not to Pink Floyd). But these exceptions only help to prove the rule: most films are shot and edited in a certain way. They follow a certain code of film grammar. And that grammar matches up remarkably well with the languid, dreamy music of Pink Floyd.

One filmmaker matches up with them so consistently that it borders on being creepy. And that’s Stanley Kubrick. It’s more than just the rhythm of the editing though.It’s the tonality, it’s the common themes, it’s the fascination with psychedelia and dreams. Whether it’s on purpose or not, these guys were made for each other.

You can sync up the HAL segments of 2001: A Space Odyssey with the Wish You Were Here album. Try pairing Meddle with The Shining. Full Metal Jacket lines up shockingly well with Dark Side of the Moon. I’ve always wanted to figure out how to sync up A Clockwork Orange with Animals but I’ve just never been able to select the right place to start. Speaking of Clockwork Orange, the beginning is claimed to have been originally paired with the “Atom Heart Mother” Suite only for Kubrick to decide later on to stick with synthesized versions of classical music. This little piece of trivia, which may or may not be true, helped launch a genuine conspiracy theory among people in this community.



Remember how earlier I mentioned that there was a third so-called “classic” of film synchronized with the music of Pink Floyd? Well that third case involves synching the “Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite” section of 2001 with the 23 minute Pink Floyd opus “Echoes.” And the conspiracy is that not only is it an intentional match on the part of Pink Floyd, but that it was actually meant to be the score of the film in the first place.

Like most conspiracy theories, you can at least see the line of logic that would lead one to that conclusion. Kubrick was no stranger to their music - or so people claim. Depending on which fan-produced web page you consult, Kubrick was anywhere from a diehard superfan who owned every album to someone who appreciated the “idea” of Pink Floyd without ever actually listening to their music. But it’s universally assumed that he had at least heard of them (which for some people is enough evidence). You also have the psychedelia connection. If you were living in England and you wanted to create a very modern, very experimental head trip of a film, there’s a good chance that you or someone in your braintrust would seek out Pink Floyd to provide the score. And most of all, when you watch the sync you just feel like it’s true. If life were a Werner Herzog documentary, this would absolutely be the case.

All that being said, it’s probably not true. But that doesn’t diminish how fascinating it is to pair the two. I vividly remember everything about the first time I watched it. Not so much for the incredible coincidences or the foundation-shaking marriage of audio and visual. I remember it for the gang that was by my side for this initial viewing.

I said earlier that none of this was influenced by drugs. That only applies to me. I appreciate that other people would enjoy heightening their senses for this sort of thing. When I first decided to watch this sync I recruited a few people of that mindset whom I thought might appreciate the experience. It also prevented me from sitting in a dark room by myself, which I was doing a bit too frequently at the time in my life. My proposal was met with a touch of skepticism. Even for them this was a strange way to spend an evening.

The ringleader of this group was a guy who went by the name “Pool Troll.” Pool Troll was a short little puff of pot smoke wrapped in a dirty hoody and topped with a shaggy bowl cut. He specialized in rocking out the funk music and captaining all of our intramural sports teams. He once got an “E” on a paper because the professor didn’t want to fail him but a D-minus was more than he deserved. His room, nicknamed “The Stump,” was the Penn Station of pot. Anyone who had a need to blaze, whether after class, before dinner, or during a party, did so in there.

The night we were going to watch, Pool Troll and some of his regulars went up to “The Stump” while I set up the TV and sound system in the basement. These syncs are very finicky things. If you’re off by even half a second you go from questioning the very foundations of sensory perception to questioning what the hell you’re doing with your free time.

Pool Troll and his cohorts eventually floated down to the basement and we simultaneously pressed play on the DVD and the iPod. To give you an idea of how this is supposed to play out, you start “Echoes,” the last track on the album Meddle, just as the final segment of the film begins. “Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite” sees the lone surviving astronaut Dave Bowman make contact with one of the monoliths that has appeared throughout the film. He is then transported through the cosmos, triggering the next stage of human development. It’s a mind-bending sequence of camera tricks, surreal imagery, and ideas that are equal parts baffling and enlightening. In the original film, sound in these scenes is essentially split into three parts. The first is music by composer Gyorgy Ligeti which accompanies Dave’s initial journey beyond the stars. Then comes near silence as Dave ages before his own eyes in a sort of intergalactic terrarium. Finally, the film revisits Richard Strauss’s Also sprach Zarathustra as the journey comes to a close. The ebbs and flows of “Echoes” follow a similar pattern. It feels right. It feels natural. It feels intentional. You find yourself really wanting to believe those “Pink Floyd were supposed to compose the score” conspiracy theories. I was entranced.


As the music began to fade I turned to Pool Troll for what I thought would be expert analysis. Again, this is a guy who once got an “E” on a paper. I asked him what he thought. Before answering he turned to his entourage for a moment of worldless deliberation like a sultan seeking consultation from his viziers.

“It was okay,” he said, perhaps a little begrudgingly. “But I have to admit that I’ve seen better visuals when I’ve smoked, put this song on, and just closed my eyes.” The rest of the gang nodded in agreement behind him. “The music sort of carries its own visuals.”

So maybe I am unusual. Maybe this need to match audio with visual, manifested in synching Pink Floyd with Stanley Kubrick, is something to which few other people can relate. I had always assumed that I could appreciate music in and of itself. But if I was only thinking about music in service to my visual memories, was I really appreciating it? I’d only been thinking about how the music changed the movie - never about how the movie might change the music.

The last seconds of “Echoes” drifted from the speakers as the Star Baby stared at us through the filmy glass of the basement TV. The stoners began to stir. The sync came to its conclusion and I was left with a philosophical question posed not by Kubrick but by Pool Troll.

Then something I hadn’t planned on occured. The album started over. The first track on Meddle is called “One of These Days.” It’s a pulsing, aggressive track with a chest-rattling baseline that still somehow manages to retain the interstellar tone of the rest of the album. And that first measure of reverberating bass hit just as the final frame of the film faded away and the credits began.

I froze where I stood, halfway between the couch and the DVD player. The stoners stared as the title cards flipped onto the screen in perfect synchronization with the song.

When the credits ended and the DVD reverted to the menu screen, Pool Troll, ever the philosopher, summed up the feelings of the group.

“That,” he said, “that was cool.”

Every time I’ve heard that song since, all I’ve been able to think about is standing in that basement, looking at that screen, momentarily entranced by nothing more than white text on a black background.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 9 Preview

Original Title: Tokyo Dome Preview!
Original Date Sent: January 1, 2015
Sent to: Various people in my life who have at least a passing familiarity with puroresu.
Context: I just really like writing about Japanese wrestling, apparently.



I am pumped beyond belief for what, on paper, looks like it could be one of the all time great wrestling shows. Not only does it feature a wide variety of match types featuring some of the best wrestlers that the world has to offer, but the main event showcases an era-defining rivalry that is rejoined over a year since the last one-on-one encounter. I felt so strongly about the show, in fact, that I decided to use some of my precious vacation time to write up a preview.

This year an extra spotlight has been shined on New Japan Pro Wrestling thanks to their American PPV breakthrough in conjunction with Jeff Jarrett's Global Force Wrestling (JOIN THE FORCE). Jim Ross and Matt Striker will be providing English-language commentary on tape delay Sunday night. The show can also be watched live thanks to the worldwide launch of New Japan World, a streaming service similar to WWE Network (which even borrowed the "9-99" catchphrase by charging 999 yen per month for their service - somewhere Herman Cain patiently waits for royalty checks).

Below is a breakdown of each match on the card giving a reason why a first-time viewer should be excited and why a long time viewer should be excited.

Pre-Show: New Japan Rumble
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Does anyone not love an over-the-top-rope battle royal? The rules are unclear to me but there's a chance that this could even be contested Royal Rumble style.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: It could be a Royal Rumble! Lots of old school faces in this one including Liger, Nagata, Tiger Mask, and Nakanishi. Plus, there is always the chance that Muta could hobble down the entrance ramp for a Shining Wizard or two. 
Prediction: Yuji Nagata is the biggest of the announced names involved here (though it should be said that Liger is bigger with international audiences) so I'd say he's probably the favorite to win.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship
ReDRagon (Bobby Fish & Kyle O'Reilly) vs. Forever Hooligans (Rocky Romero & Alex Koslov) vs. The Young Bucks (Nick & Matt Jackson) vs. Time Splitters (Alex Shelley & KUSHIDA)
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Do you like flips? Do you like super kicks? Do you like comedic misunderstandings? Well, this match will have all that and more. These teams have been having great matches together for years now and they should have some time to really let loose with everything they've got.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Any combination of these teams would be great but all four of them is magic. The Young Bucks and ReDRagon have provided a shot of adrenaline to an already hyperactive division that has turned every opening match this year into a Crank sequel. It's as if somebody sat these guys down in front of The Raid 2 Clockwork Orange-style and told them that their families would be in great danger if they didn't set out to top those action scenes every time out.
Prediction: I don't know that I've ever picked one of these Jr. Tag matches correctly, but it seems like it's about time for the belts to rotate back to the Hooligans.

The Bullet Club (Bad Luck Fale & Yujiro Takahashi & Jeff Jarrett) vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan & Satoshi Kojima & Tomoaki Honma
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Remember Jeff Jarrett? He's back! And he's strutting around like a kid again as the elder statesman of the Bullet Club. 
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: For all the talk of how great this year's G1 tournament was (and it was historically great), the competitor who stood out the most was Honma. His various losing efforts only served to beatify him with New Japan audiences. His match with Shibata was as violent and emotional as any of his classic deathmatches back in his Big Japan days. Honma's late career resurgence is only lacking one thing: a win on a big stage. On the other side of the ring, Yujiro is likely to come to the ring with extra hookers and porn stars given NJPW's penchant for ostentatious entrances on dome shows. So there's that too.
Prediction: It's hard not to root for Honma here, but with Jarrett backing New Japan's American expansion it seems likely that this will be a low stakes Bullet Club win.

Suzuki-gun (Takashi Iizuka & Shelton X Benjamin & Lance Archer & Davey Boy Smith Jr.) vs. Toru Yano & Naomichi Marufuji & TMDK (Shane Haste & Mikey Nicholls)
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Toru Yano (YTR) is the best comedy worker in the company, Iizuka has a habit of spray painting the broadcast announcer, and look at all those former WWE guys! Hell, even Iizuka had a cup of coffee in WCW in his younger days.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: The cameos from the NOAH guys give the card some diversity and TMDK's long term loan will give the relatively moribund tag division a boost. But this really comes down to former tag partners YTR and Iizuka squaring off without being a sideshow to the Suzuki/Sakuraba feud. 
Prediction: YTR stands tall and shills his DVDs to all 50,000 fans in attendance. Also expect to see TMDK take the first steps toward a tag title shot.

Kazushi Sakuraba vs. Minoru Suzuki
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Sakuraba is a Japanese MMA legend (sporting the nickname "The Gracie Hunter") who also happens to be a solid professional wrestler. Suzuki is an 80's movie villain come to life who was once serenaded to the ring by the Japanese equivalent of Pat Benatar. 
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: This match feels like it has been brewing forever. Expect this to be slow, grounded, and intense with more than a few stiff hits that would put any mortal man into a coma. Sakuraba's best match (professional wrestling match, anyway) occurred two years at the Tokyo Dome and Suzuki is exactly the type who can bring out the best in him again.
Prediction: At this point in his career Suzuki is a guy who doesn't need to win to feel like a threat so I'd wager on a feel good victory for The Gracie Hunter.

NEVER Openweight Championship
Tomohiro Ishii (c) vs. Togi Makabe
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: This will be two tanks laying waste to each other. Picture the Battle of El Alamein but with dudes.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: There has been a lot of speculation about matches that could potentially steal the show. That is a tall order given the main event. However, if anyone is capable of doing so it's Tomohiro Ishii. He has been consistently outstanding for two years running. His matches almost always get the crowd into an absolute froth. We'll see if that translates to the dome setting from the more intimate confines of Korakuen Hall and Osaka's Bodymaker Colosseum. And Makabe is no slouch himself when it comes to big matches. 
Prediction: Ishii - if only because the guy deserves a big win on a big stage and has plenty of fresh title defenses still to come.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship
Ryusuke Taguchi (c) vs. Kenny Omega
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: A fast-paced contest for the most prestigious Jr. Heavyweight Title in existence. Omega is the newest member of the Bullet Club and is transitioning nicely into wrestling's version of Billy Zabka.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Kenny Omega will be looking to prove himself here after dropping out of WWE developmental and working his way up through the Japanese indies. Taguchi will also be looking to prove that he's more than just the tag team partner whom Prince Devitt left in the dust.
Prediction: Omega brings more gold to the Bullet Club and takes his place as the ace of the Juniors division.

IWGP Tag Team Championship
The Bullet Club (Karl Anderson & Doc Gallows) (c) vs. Meiyu Tag (Hirooki Goto & Katsuyori Shibata)
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Anderson has turned down WWE offers in the past and seems to be a lock to end up there eventually. And Shibata is about as terrifying in the ring as professional wrestlers get.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Goto and Shibata, former college roommates as well as mortal enemies, have temporarily buried the hatchet in pursuit of tag team gold. Standing in their way are the pair of bald badasses who have dominated the division ever since winning the titles at last year's dome show. This resulted in a relatively lackluster year in the ring for "Machine Gun" Anderson, but he now has the most capable challengers to work with in a very long while.
Prediction: Goto is a born loser (at least in storyline) so I can certainly see him losing and then having Shibata kick the crap out of him to renew their endless blood feud.

AJ Styles vs. Tetsuya Naito
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: AJ Styles has totally rejuvenated his career since leaving TNA and reminded us all why he was once regarded as one of the best in the world. Here he fights what amounts to a younger, Japanese version of AJ Styles.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Styles has been a little lost in the shuffle since losing the top title to Tanahashi. Naito has had a tough time carving out a spot after returning from a long injury despite winning last year's G1 and having an acclaimed series of matches against Tomohiro Ishii (not to mention a pretty strong G1 again this year). This match will let them showcase all that they have to offer as they try to gain momentum heading into 2015.
Prediction: It feels like Naito could use the win a bit more and would be a natural fit as a challenger to either of the two big titles at New Beginning in February.

IWGP Intercontinental Championship
Shinsuke Nakamura (c) vs. Kota Ibushi
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Nakamura is the most charismatic wrestler in the non-English speaking world (and it's not like there are a ton of WWE guys giving him a run for his money either) and Ibushi is the smoothest high-flyer New Japan has to offer.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Their previous match at last year's G1 was spectacular and at least one major Japanese outlet declared it their Match of the Year. Since then, Ibushi has made overtures into the heavyweight division and this could cement his status at the top of the card. Nakamura, meanwhile, has bolstered the status of the Intercontinental belt to fringe World Title status while also staking his claim as arguably the biggest star in the company. This has all the makings of a classic.
Prediction: It feels just a bit too soon for Ibushi to get a win this big, but New Japan has surprised us all before. Adding to that is the fact that Nakamura is not afraid to put guys over (he has previously dropped the belt to La Sombra and Bad Luck Fale) Still, I think that Nakamura hangs on to his title for at least another month or two.

IWGP World Heavyweight Championship
Hiroshi Tanahashi (c) vs. Kazuchika Okada
Why a First-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Dave Meltzer, the godfather of wrestling journalism, said that this feud was better than Steamboat vs. Flair. As outrageous as that may sound at first glance, I unequivocally agree. Their series has featured six matches - all of them are great, two of them are perfect, and one of them is era defining. This seventh match, the first in well over a year, could top them all.
Why a Long-Time Viewer Should Be Excited: Quite simply, this could be New Japan's version of Rock vs. Austin at Wrestlemania X-7. This is the biggest match that they have and it has only gotten bigger since the two last met at the Tokyo Dome in 2013 (much like how Rock and Austin had faced off at Wrestlemania initially two years before). Okada won this year's G1, perhaps the greatest tournament of all time, besting stablemate Shinsuke Nakamura in an epic final to earn this shot. Tanahashi, the longtime ace of the company, regained the title just a few months ago by beating AJ Styles. Now they are set to clash for the first time since October of 2013 with the world title on the line. It's tempting to get over-hyped for this match. But given their previous track record, it's hard to believe that they will do anything but tear the house down.
Prediction: Okada finally gets his main event win at the Tokyo Dome. I throw things around the room in celebration and wake up the whole neighborhood.

Friday, January 3, 2014

NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 8 Preview

Original Title: Tokyo Dome!
Original Date Sent: January 3, 2014
Sent to: The other people I know who have any sort of puro awareness
Context: It's the Tokyo Dome. I had to dash off a quick preview after work and before my nap.

Tonight is New Japan's annual trip to the Tokyo Dome, the Far Eastern equivalent to Wrestlemania. Last year's edition, Wrestle Kingdom 7, was arguably the best show of 2013 and this year's card is even more stacked. It features several big title matches, a couple legit blood feuds, and even an odd exhibition match pitting two old dudes against two MMA duds. Truly something for everyone!

The show goes live at 3 am East Coast time.

Let's take a look at each match.

Pre-Show Match
BUSHI & Captain New Japan & Tomoaki Honma & Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Yohei Komatsu & Jushin Liger & Super Strong Machine & Manabu Nakanishi
These multi-man tags are always a fun little bonus. If you feel like you need the extra 15 minutes of sleep though, you're probably not going to miss much.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Title Match
The Young Bucks (Matt & Nick Jackson) (c) vs. Forever Hooligans (Rocky Romero & Alex Koslov) vs. Time Splitters (Alex Shelley & KUSHIDA) vs. Suzuki-gun (TAKA Michinoku & Taichi)
The Young Bucks have taken the New Japan Juniors division by storm, winning the Junior Heavyweight Tag Belts in their first tour with the company. Now the three mainstays of the division in 2013 are all looking to win the titles back. This should be as insane a sprint as we've ever seen. Like mid-90's lucha insane. Like late 90's M-Pro insane. Maybe not peak Toryumon 12-man tag insane, but probably close! All eight of these guys can go and they will surely be let off the reins here. I expect the Young Bucks to retain.

IWGP Tag Team Title Match
Killer Ellite Squad (Davey Boy Smith Jr. & Lance Archer) (c) vs. The Bullet Club ("Machine Gun" Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows)
Four monster gaijins, three of them former WWE guys, square off in what should be a good old-fashion slugfest. KES have been sometimes great and sometimes bland throughout the past year, but if anyone is going to bring out the best in them it's Karl Anderson. Anderson, the lone non-WWE alumnus, has grown into one of the best bullies in the world over the past few years. He is no stranger to the tag ranks having previously been in high profile teams with Hirooki Goto and Giant Bernard (aka Prince Albert aka A-Train aka Lord Tensai aka Sweet T). Bullet Club takes this one to keep some gold in the stable.

NWA World Heavyweight Title Match
Rob Conway (c) vs. Satoshi Kojima
Yeah, that NWA title. It's still around and it's still being defended. In fact, Conway has been to Japan multiple times this year and so far beaten all challengers. Now, these haven't exactly been classic matches. No one is mistaking Rob Conway for Ric Flair. But it's nice to see the title get some much needed stability and be showcased on the biggest show of the year outside of North America. Conway probably retains.

Yuji Nagata & Kazushi Sakuraba vs. Rolles Gracie & Daniel Gracie
Here's what you need to know about this match. Back in his MMA days, Sakuraba was known as "The Gracie Hunter." The two men across the ring from him happen to be the two schlubiest members of the Gracie family. Yep. Yuji Nagata is there to put dudes in armbars and maybe throw some slaps around. The Gracies do one more job to Sakuraba and laugh all the way to the bank.

Minoru Suzuki & Shelton X Benjamin vs. Toru Yano & THE GREAT MUTA
Yano has been messing with Suzuki for quite awhile now. Suzuki, of course, is just about the last person you want to piss off. So who does Yano call in as backup? Oh, just some dude known as THE GREAT MUTA!!! For comparison's sake, this would be like Titus O'Neil becoming a thorn in Brock Lesnar's side and then revealing that his mystery partner is the fucking Undertaker. And Shelton Benjamin would be, I don't know, Shelton Benjamin I guess. I have no idea who is going to win this one. I suspect that Suzuki stays strong though.

King of Destroyer Match
Bad Luck Fale vs. Togi Makabe
Fale tries to prove that he's good for more than just carrying Prince Devitt to the ring on his shoulders. Makabe is just looking for somebody to punch. This is definitely the match that has the tallest mountain to climb as far as "being good" goes. At best, this will feel like a pre-CGI deleted scene from Pacific Rim. On the bright side, it gives Bryan Alvarez yet another opportunity to say "Bad Luck Fale" in an exasperated tone. Makabe wins, I guess?

Hirooki Goto vs. Katsuyori Shibata
These guys kicked the crap out of each other all last spring in what was growing into one of the most intense feuds in all of wrestling. Then Goto, wrestling's equivalent of Bad Luck Brian, suffered a dislocated jaw just before their series was to continue at the G1. Shibata went on to have a five snowflake encounter with Tomohiro Ishii later in the tournament, cementing himself as a guy who can both dish out and endure ungodly amounts of punishments. As usual, people have forgotten how good Goto can be. I expect him to finally put down his former high school pal and become a contender to one of the top two belts.

IWPG Junior Heavyweight Title Match
Prince Devitt (c) vs. Kota Ibushi
Devitt was given quite the push over the summer following his big heel turn and the formation of the Bullet Club. Unfortunately, that meant that the most prestigious junior heavyweight belt in the world fell by the wayside. Now that Ibushi has been signed as a full-timer, however, I expect that to quickly change. It's time for the best Junior Heavyweight in the world to hold the division's top title. Sure, it's possible that this gets extended to a drawn out feud. But I expect the Irishman to drop the title and move onto other matters with the New Japan Cup coming up in March.

IWGP World Heavyweight Title Match
Kazuchika Okada (c) vs.Tetsuya Naito
The Rainmaker won the title from Hiroshi Tanahashi for the second time in an absolute classic back in April. He then retained the title in a series of fantastic defenses that culminated in another Match of the Decade Contender with Tanahashi. Meanwhile, Naito returned from a long injury layoff and promptly won the G1, situating him as the #1 Contender. In response, New Japan crowds have booed the hell out of the would-be babyface with an intensity that would make even John Cena blush. I don't know what "If Naito Wins We Riot" looks like in kanji, but that will certainly be the sentiment among much of the 40,000+ who will be in attendance. One other note is that this match was demoted from the main event slot thanks to a fan vote held last month. All of this is a little unfair to Naito. Sure, he hasn't been the same guy since coming back from injury. But this is the guy who helped give legitimacy to Okada's initial title run as one half of his first truly great match. It will be fascinating to see how the crowd reacts as this contest comes down to the wire. I'm hoping that Okada retains, but I'm far from convinced that he will.

IWGP Intercontinental Title Match
Shinsuke Nakamura (c) vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi
The two biggest stars at the biggest show of the year. There you go. Since they last met, both guys have improved immensely. Tanahashi is arguably the best wrestler in the world right now and has seized his place among the all time greats. Nakamura has developed the most distinct, charismatic character in the company while being no small shakes in the ring himself. The company itself has undergone a renaissance and is unquestionably the #2 promotion in the world. Now the twin scions of New Japan finally meet again. I'm thinking that Tanahashi wins to send the crowd home happy and set up the Chaos breakup and next year's Nakamura/Okada main event. But we shall see.

Okay, time to get some sleep. I'll be dreaming of High Fly Flows and Rainmakers until 3am. Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Intro to Puro

Original Title: Intro to Puro
Original Date Sent: August 5, 2013
Sent to: A fellow smark who was looking to get into Japanese wrestling.
Context: The world of puro can be impenetrable to a newcomer. The language barrier, vastly different style, and unfamiliar performers all contribute to the sense that if you didn't start a long time ago it's impossible to catch up. But it's really not, I promise! Below is a list of a dozen matches with varying degrees of importance that can serve as a gateway to the world of puro.


Welcome to Japanese Wrestling 101, a survey course where we will examine the essential wrestlers, companies, and matches that have taken place in the Land of the Rising Sun. The syllabus below is by no means exhaustive, but it should provide the foundation on which to build further knowledge of the art of puroresu.


New Japan Pro Wrestling - Strong Style in Action

"Strong Style" has been misconstrued to mean "Japanese Wrestling" since the early days of tape trading. It is in fact a very specific style that was employed to great effect in the 80's, 90's, and beyond in NJPW. The style emphasizes realism as part of its psychology. Matches are fought using strikes and submission holds to wear down an opponent in similar fashion to an MMA fight (New Japan boss Antonio Inoki was, for better or worse, a big fan of MMA). In recent years they have converted to a more traditional American style for the most part, but echoes of true Strong Style remain.

Rick & Scott Steiner vs. Hiroshi Hase & Kensuke Sasaki (3/21/91) - For a few years WCW and NJPW had a working agreement and would occasionally put on supershows together. This is probably the best remembered match of that talent exchange (I suppose Pillman/Liger is the only other contender). This was long considered to be the perfect entryway into puro thanks to the familiar names, the English announcers, and the high quality of the work in the match. Today it serves as a refreshing reminder that Scott Steiner used to be one of the world's best in-ring workers.

El Samurai vs. Koji Kanemoto (6/5/97) - While Jushin "Thunder" Liger is the acknowledged king of the New Japan Juniors style and one of the great workers to ever step into the ring, the match that really lit the world on fire during the 90's was between two relative journeymen. El Samurai had a few other gems under his belt (especially the famous match against Liger) but was never considered one of the top talents in the division. Kanemoto had recently come off an uninspiring run as Tiger Mask III (the least of the four Tiger Masks by far). Yet somehow together they created a war for the ages that is still rarely topped in even the most dizzying of ROH spotfest head drop 2 7/8 kickout matches. Davey Richards wishes his whole life was this match.

Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Kazuchika Okada (4/7/13) - The most recent 5 star encounter and as good an entrance into the contemporary greatness of New Japan as you're going to find. Tanahashi is the ace of the company and combines the best qualities of Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and Ricky Steamboat. Okada is a flashy heel with a much more American bearing who nevertheless has caught fire in the past 18 months and become the company's biggest star. He is also, in my opinion, the best wrestler in the world today. This is their fourth match and the most epic. It will be remembered not only at the end of the year, but at the end of the decade as well. I watched this match with my brother and even though we knew the result beforehand, we were still jumping around his living room for the last ten minutes.

All Japan Pro Wrestling - A Walk Down King's Road

In contrast to New Japan's "Strong Style," All Japan matches are associated with a style known as "King's Road." I have no idea where that name comes from despite extensive digging. These matches are a mix of stoicism, Southern brawling, and life-shortening suplexes. In my mind, it is also the very height of professional wrestling. The matches build on each other so that things that happen in 1989 have been hinted at since 1975 (no kidding) and the entire decade of the 90's seems to be of one intricate novel written to reflect the human drama through elbow strikes and brainbusters. What follows is the evolution of the style in five of its most important matches. If you like these, there are literally a hundred other matches on the same level that you can explore.

Jumbo Tsuruta vs. Genichiro Tenryu (6/5/89) - Jumbo and Tenryu were the twin pillars of All Japan in the 80's and this seemed as if it would be the signature rivalry in the company for years to come. It was not to be, however, as Tenryu decided to try his hand as a freelancer and promoter while Jumbo was felled prematurely by a severe illness. But before their paths diverged, they created a style of wrestling that can only be described as a sea change. It took All Japan from doing British and Southern style main events to deeply layered, fast paced, high impact epics that more closely resemble a Tolstoy novel than pro rasslin'. And before you get all "Hey, I didn't start watching wrestling because I wanted to write a PhD dissertation on it someday," don't worry...they hit each other very hard and it is awesome.

Jumbo Tsuruta vs. Mitsuhara Misawa (6/8/90) - There's a story in the Genesis where Jacob wrestles God himself. After their meeting, Jacob is given a blessing that will make him the father of nations. This match is the puro equivalent of that story. For all intents and purposes, Jumbo Tsuruta was no less than a deity in All Japan. He dominated the company for at least fifteen years prior to this match, was the first Triple Crown champion, and had that indefinable "I own this company" aura that only a select few ever achieve (even some guys who, you know, literally own the company sometimes fail to reach that level). Misawa is the young upstart who had just shed the Tiger Mask II persona and set out to be his own man. 

Stan Hansen vs. Kenta Kobashi (7/29/93) - The story of All Japan wouldn't be complete without a little bit of gaijin representation. None stood higher than Stan Hansen. He established his legend in both of Japan's major companies as both a singles and tag competitor. And yet for everything he accomplished, it is this match for which he is probably best remembered. Kobashi was still a rising talent at this point, but he seems to think that he's on the same level as the Texas hoss. This is a mistake. The viewer benefits.

Mitsuhara Misawa vs. Toshiaki Kawada (6/3/94) - Dean Rasmussen once described this match as being not only great, but having an otherworldly quality akin to Roy Orbison's voice or a Matisse painting. Kawada more than anyone else served as the perfect foil to Misawa. Jumbo was from a different generation, Kobashi was too similar. But Kawada was Misawa's former partner and seamlessly slipped into the top heel role in All Japan after Jumbo's sudden decline. He was so good in that role that it was hard to believe he was ever a face. His mullet, his broken teeth, his black and yellow attire, the chip that constantly seemed to weigh on his shoulder, the brutal kick-based offense, the stoic demeanor. I know I haven't given many details on the match but it's really not needed. I suppose it helps to know that up to this point Kawada has never beaten Misawa. Even then, like all great art, this match speaks for itself. Does it help to be well schooled in Latin and to have a deep understanding on both Roman and Greek culture, history, and mythology in order to appreciate The Aeneid? Sure. But can you go in cold with the Dryden translation and still view it as one of the finest works in the early Western canon? Absolutely. And, actually, the more I think about this match the more it feels like the latter half of The Aeneid with Misawa as Aeneas and Kawada as Turnus. But I'll save that for another essay down the line.

Mitsuhara Misawa & Kenta Kobashi vs. Toshiaki Kawada & Akira Taue (6/9/95) - Hands down, no doubt about it, my favorite pro wrestling match of all time. It is absolute perfection in every way and the pinnacle of wrestling as narrative, wrestling as art, and wrestling as athletic pursuit. It is the Four Corners of Heaven earning their nickname. I've written about this match several times so I won't here. But if you're not sold on puro after the drama, intensity, and sheer emotional enormity of this match then Japanese wrestling is just not for you.

NOAH, Indies, and Beyond

Japanese wrestling is not just All Japan and New Japan. Several other companies have sprung up over the years with other distinct styles. Below is a sampling of these matches.

Naomichi Marufuji & KENTA vs. Ikuto Hidaka & Minoru Fujita (5/8/05) - A new generation of puro fans was made during KENTA's emergence in the mid-2000's. He's a floppy-haired kick machine who fit in perfectly with the style that was emerging on this side of the Pacific at the time. This is probably the most "familiar" match on the list as all four guys have experience working on the American indies and weren't afraid to bring some of that style back with them. This slot could have gone to any number of KENTAFuji tags and this purely comes down to personal preference.

Tomoaki Honma vs. Ryuji Yamakawa (6/20/99) - Though it sounds odd, many fans got their initial taste of puro through the deathmatch route. The famous Foley/Funk match is probably the best known avenue and it speaks to the high amount of transpacific crossover that seems to take place in the division, whether in FMW, Big Japan, or other lesser known companies. I decided to go with the jewel of the Big Japan Deathmatch Bible since it has all the scuminess of an American deathmatch coupled with the epic grandeur of traditional puro (Honma later went on to legitimate midcard stardom in the bigger Japanese companies). It has a really unique feel that won't be replicated in CZW anytime soon.

Thunderqueen: Aja Kong & Kyoko Inoue & Takako Inoue & Sakie Hasegawa vs. Dynamite Kansai & Mayumi Ozaki & Cuty Suzuki & Hikari Fukouka (7/31/93) - While you're trying new things, you might as well give Joshi a shot. I'm not the biggest fan and I certainly don't follow it very heavily, but this match is AWESOME. Even if you nothing about the background of the match, I guarantee a markout moment the first time Aja Kong and Dynamite Kansai face off. Speaking of Kong, she's easily one of the great monsters in the history of pro wrestling and deserves to be spoken of in the same breath as The Undertaker, Andre the Giant, and Goldberg. I have never not been impressed by her. The one thing to keep in mind is the rules. It's an Ironman Match (err...Ironwomen Match?) that is broken up into four singles matches that are five minutes apiece followed by all eight going toe to toe for forty minutes in a tag match. It has to do with two promotions going to war with each other but whatever. It's eight people going insane for an hour. There are better Joshi matches out there, but none are better as an introduction to the style.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh4pkWv9cSE

Kaientai DX (TAKA Michinoku & Dick Togo & MEN's Teioh & Sho Funaki & Shiryu) vs. Super Delfin & Gran Hamada & Tiger Mask IV & Gran Naniwa & Masato Yakushiji (10/10/96) - And finally, some Lucharesu. I was going to throw some Toryumon or Dragon Gate in this spot, but it's too hard to find the best stuff on youtube. So we'll go with the forefathers of this style instead. You'll recognize at least a few of these names from their ventures in WWE (and Shiryun is WCW's Kaz Hayashi). What you may not know is just how great these guys are when they're in their element. TAKA especially is mindblowing when you compare his work in WWF/E to his work in Japan. There are a whole bunch of multi-man tags like this from that time period but this was the most widely seen on the tape trading circuit.

I think 12 is enough for now. Hope this wasn't too long-winded. Enjoy!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Wrestlemania 29 Preview

Original Title: WRESTLEMANIA
Original Date Sent: April 2, 2013
Sent to: The people with whom I will be attending this spectacular event.
Context: Umm...it's Wrestlemania! And I'm going! Hopefully I won't be too stuffed/sick from our tailgate to properly enjoy the Showcase of the Immortals.



This is it! It’s finally here! We’re just five days away from Wrestlemania 29 at Metlife Stadium in not-so-beautiful East Rutherford, New Jersey. I’ll be in attendance for my first live WWE PPV since Summerslam 2004 in Toronto. It’s shaping up to be an interesting show with several matches that could go either way (both in terms of quality and results). Here’s a match-by-match preview.

Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay & Tensai) & The Funkadactyls (Cameron & Naomi) vs. Team Rhodes Scholars (Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes) & The Bella Twins
This will most likely be the pre-show match to get the crowd excited since in WWE fat dudes dancing and women catfighting equals excitement. But the real excitement in this match comes in the form of the best duo in all of wrestling, Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes. The Rhodes Scholars, best friends and intellectual elites, split up after losing yet another match for the Tag Team Titles at Royal Rumble. They’ve since repeatedly done special reunions (in part as an in-joke on the constant DX reunions done by WWE) and seem to be a permanent fixture once again. This will probably be short and the funky dinosaur themed team will probably win.

Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
Fandango is a newly-debuted evil ballroom dancer. This will be his first official match. He’s picked a fight with Jericho because Jericho has been making fun of his name in a very Chris Jericho way. So yeah, there’s not much there. But given Y2J’s popularity and the way that Johnny Curtis has embraced his new character, Fandango is sure to be the most lustily booed person in the arena not named John Cena.

Intercontinental Title Match
Wade Barrett © vs. The Miz
Ah yes, three things involved here that WWE seems to have no idea what to do with: Wade Barrett, The Miz, and the Intercontinental Title. It’s lead to a rather uninspiring build for a match that is in danger of being equally uninspiring. Then again, Barrett is a former bare knuckle boxing champion and Miz has a very punchable face.

Ryback vs. Mark Henry
Two giant guys trying to lift and punch each other. Ryback is sort of like a shorter version of Goldberg mixed with a paintless version of The Ultimate Warrior in Rob Van Dam’s airbrushed singlet. Mark Henry is a trash-talking monster who is so thick and so wide that he could be said to blot out the sun. This seems like it’ll be a showcase for Ryback, who despite his dominance hasn’t managed to notch a PPV win since early last fall.

WWE Tag Team Title Match
Team Hell No (Daniel Bryan & Kane) © vs. Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston
Now here’s a match that I’m excited to see. Last year at Wrestlemania, Daniel Bryan lost the World Heavyweight Title to Sheamus in just eighteen seconds. The next night on Raw, the crowd drowned out every single segment with “YES!” chants in support of Daniel Bryan and in protest of the injustice that the best pure wrestler in the world did not get a proper Wrestlemania match. From there, Bryan was given PPV matches for both top titles and eventually won the Tag Titles as one half of a mismatched partners team with Kane. The duo has continued to be a crowd-favorite and it seems likely that they’ll hang onto the titles for at least another month. On the other side of the ring is a team consisting of two other favorites of the internet set: Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston. Last year at Wrestlemania, Ziggler did this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yni4FUi9ZYc. He is also currently the holder of the Money in the Bank briefcase for the World Heavyweight Title (more on that later). Big E was recently called up from WWE’s developmental program NXT (where he was one of my the most popular characters) to be Ziggler’s muscle. This will be his debut match. Also in Ziggler’s corner is his girlfriend AJ Lee. AJ has previously dated both Daniel Bryan and Kane and is the main impetus for this match taking place. If this gets the time it deserves it could be one of the best matches of the show.

The Shield (Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns) vs. Randy Orton & Sheamus & The Big Show
The Shield have had three matches in WWE since debuting at Survivor Series. They have won them all and each has been excellent. They work together so well as a team and all three guys are perfect fits for their respective roles. This time they go up against a trio of top stars with nothing else to do at Wrestlemania. Luckily, they’re also three guys who seem willing to make younger talent look good and are big enough stars to warrant a lengthy Wrestlemania match. In a night where a lot of good guys are going to get redemption, this seems like the perfect match for the bad guys to come out on top. My other prediction is that Roman Reigns will spear The Big Show through something cool (sort of like these two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4415QDNC5Mg).

World Heavyweight Title Match
Alberto Del Rio © vs. Jack Swagger
Okay, let’s see here. Del Rio used to be a charismatic bad guy but recently reformed. He had a few good months as a face but has turned fairly bland during the Wrestlemania build. Swagger was off TV for a long time and was brought back recently as an anti-immigration Tea Party type complete with a right wing manager in a fishing vest. Swagger got a little bit of mainstream buzz due to a short-lived spat with Glenn Beck but that has long since fizzled. All that being said, this match could still be really good. Del Rio grew up in the business and was an accomplished amateur wrestler before entering the lucha circuit. Del Rio is also much better at longer matches than the eight minute TV affairs that he’s been getting lately. Swagger is limited, but can certainly hold up his end of the bargain in the ring. Regardless of who wins, however, it seems likely that the man to walk out of Wrestlemania with the World Heavyweight Title will be Dolph Ziggler (and given how stale both Del Rio and Swagger are at the moment, it might even get the biggest pop of the night).

No Holds Barred Match
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar
If Triple H loses this match he will retire. Nevermind that he’s pretty much retired already, wrestling only two matches in 2012. Lesnar has been a whirlwind and a breath of fresh air whenever he’s shown up on TV during the last year (not to mention the fact that he had the Match of the Year for WWE with John Cena at Extreme Rules). The match between these two at Summerslam was a little underwhelming, but this still has the potential to be awesome. Conventional wisdom has it that Triple H will get his win back and live to fight another day. But it’s certainly possible that Lesnar, rumored to have signed on for two more years, could lay waste to The Game and set himself up as the top contender for the WWE Title. Perhaps an Extreme Rules rematch with Cena is in the cards?

The Undertaker vs. CM Punk
Undertaker has never lost at Wrestlemania and in recent years his matches have been among the most anticipated and important on the card. This year he is paired with CM Punk, fresh off a 400+ day reign as WWE Champion. It seemed as if this would be a match purely about Punk trying to prove that he’s the best in the world and that he can end the streak. But then Paul Bearer, Undertaker’s former manager, died. During a tribute segment at the subsequent Raw, Punk stole the urn that was implicated to hold Bearer’s ashes and has since made a show of tossing it around and dropping it and throwing it like a football. Punk even went so far as to dump the ashes all over Undertaker last night on Raw. He’s been at his dickhead best and it’s added a new dimension to a match that otherwise didn’t have much of a reason to exist. It’s also worth noting that The Undertaker, despite his advanced age, has had the best match at Wrestlemania for at least the last four years in a row. This is easily my most anticipated match of the night and could really be something special. Undertaker will surely win and continue his legendary undefeated streak, but I guarantee there will be at least one point where everybody’s disbelief is thoroughly suspended for 2.9 seconds (like this moment last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9My_lvydYDs). The only thing missing from Punk’s resume at this point is a signature Wrestlemania bout. This could be it.

WWE Championship Match
The Rock © vs. John Cena
Since Wrestlemania is taking place at an outdoor stadium in the Northeast, it’s probably worth checking the weather report. Sunday looks to be cloudy with a high of fifty-four degrees and a 100% chance of raining garbage when John Cena wins this match. Ironically enough, the only way this won’t happen is if Cena finally turns heel. Rock is a movie star, Cena is the number one guy in the company. Rock is the champion and beat Cena at Wrestlemania last year. There’s some other stuff going on, but this one is all about 80,000 people slinging hate at John Cena. Surely, the “Cena Sucks” chants will be heard for miles in all directions; Trenton, Mineola, and White Plains. The air lingering above New Jersey will become even more polluted with the acid and bile spewed forth from the mouths of the massive anti-Cena contingent. It’s going to be a beautiful thing (and this is gonna be me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACKWK55Ic9M).

Friday, February 15, 2013

WWE Elimination Chamber 2013 Preview

Original Title: WWE Elimination Chamber - Last PPV Before Wrestlemania!
Original Date Sent: February 15, 2013
Sent to: The crew who I assume care about wrestling (some more than others)
Context: Elimination Chamber is the last PPV before Wrestlemania, so I decided to update the folks who are attending live with me on the current situation.


A lot of people have been asking me about the scheduled matches for Wrestlemania. So far I've been able to do little more than guess or pass on the existing rumors. After this weekend though, things will be much more clear. The Elimination Chamber PPV should do quite a bit to shape the Wrestlemania card as most of the matches have big-time implications and almost all of them have uncertain outcomes. More than that though, it's a really stacked show that will in all likelihood be way better than the somewhat disappointing Royal Rumble.

Pre-Show
Brodus Clay & Tensai vs. Team Rhodes Scholars (Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes)
Rhodes Scholars had an amicable breakup a few weeks ago and Clay & Tensai just started teaming. Tensai has gone through several incarnations in his many years as a wrestler including Prince Albert, Albert, A-Train, and Giant Bernard. He is now doing a gimmick where Brodus Clay goads him into dancing. I can only assume that he is looking across the ocean and swearing under his breath because his former tag team partner Karl Anderson just had one of the best matches of the year against Tanahashi in New Japan. Anyway, this should be a short little thing to get the crowd going and I expect Rhodes Scholars to lose together one last time.

Divas Championship Match 
Kaitlyn (c) vs. Tamina Snuka
Tamina is the daughter of Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and about twice as manly. They've made no real effort to explain why this match is happening, so I'm not really sure what to say with it. Kaitlyn and her terrible hair will win.

United States Championship Match
Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. The Miz
Cesaro rules, Miz sucks. Cesaro did this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heePaLlHmms) to Miz on Raw this past week. I'm pretty confident that Cesaro will hang onto his title until Wrestlemania so instead of a real preview of this match, I'll instead post links to Cesaro doing cool moves. Here's the Swiss Death (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSkZNxliS0E). Here he is deadlifting Kofi Kingston into the Neutralizer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=PNBtJ7u56Os#t=190s). And here's a montage of his greatest uppercuts (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vENrfJpNbXE).

The Shield (Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns) vs. John Cena & Sheamus & Ryback
Cena needed something to do until Wrestlemania so he's teamed up with two other bland good-guys to take on the upstarts from NXT. The Shield have only had one official match during their time in WWE and that was way back at TLC in December. Luckily, it was incredible. Ambrose and Rollins have serious indie cred and Reigns is a member of the Samoan Dynasty that includes The Rock, Yokozuna, and Rikishi. This should at least be a fun brawl and maybe, just maybe, Cena's team will lose.

World Heavyweight Championship Match 
Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. The Big Show 
This is another one that's carrying over from last month. At the Royal Rumble, Del Rio won a Last Man Standing match by taping Big Show's legs to the bottom rope. They've had a fun little feud for the past couple months and it's the Big Show's best work in years. Del Rio has also upped his game since turning face. But perhaps what matters most here is a man who's not even in the match. Dolph Ziggler is still lurking with the Money in the Bank briefcase and it seems hard to believe that he'll wait until after Wrestlemania to cash in his title shot. If your internet explodes for some reason on Sunday night, it'll be because Ziggler walked out of the building with the title.

Elimination Chamber Match 
Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane vs. Mark Henry vs. Jack Swagger 
This match is to determine the Number One Contender for the World Heavyweight title. Lots going on here. First, the Chamber itself. It's basically a real life version of Thunderdome: a rounded cage covered with chains and surrounded by suspended metal platforms adjacent to the ring apron. In each corner are four sealed pods. Two men start out and every four minutes a pod opens and a new participant enters the match. It's a ridiculous and insane spectacle of a match and this has the potential to be one of the best incarnations ever thanks to a solid group of participants. Jericho recently returned from a long hiatus and picked up right where he left off in his feud with Dolph Ziggler (they were also the first two participants in the Royal Rumble and lasted nearly the whole way). Daniel Bryan and Kane are the current Tag Team Champions and their love/hate relationship continues. Swagger and Henry also each returned from long absences. Henry has picked up where he left off as a trash-talking wrecking ball while Swagger has adopted an ultra-right wing persona (complete with new manager "Dirty" Dutch Mantel (under some other dumb WWE name)). Randy Orton is also there to hit a bunch of RKOs and make goofy faces. At least four of these guys have a realistic shot at winning, but I think Jericho has the most star power to bring to a Wrestlemania match.

WWE Championship Match 
The Rock (c) vs. CM Punk
I was pretty upset about their match at Royal Rumble, as evidenced by the fact that I wrote two different articles about it (http://emailsihavesent.blogspot.com/2013/01/2013-royal-rumble-recap.html and http://www.layfieldreport.com/How-Monday-Night-Raw-healed-my-.news). I was an emotional wreck for days afterwards and it's as irrationally upset as I've ever gotten about fake fighting. This time there is a stipulation attached wherein Rock would lose the title if he is disqualified. I expect some sort of shenanigans involving Punk's manager Paul Heyman and possibly Brock Lesnar as well. Rock will probably walk away with the title again though. But how that happens largely depends on an outside factor, namely if Undertaker decides to be a part of Wrestlemania or not. For a few months, Undertaker has been Punk's rumored Wrestlemania opponent, but Taker himself (who has largely retired) hasn't committed to doing the show due to health concerns. If he declines, then it's possible that Punk will be thrown into the main event with Rock and Cena. I'm actually incredibly conflicted if that's the case. Would I rather see Punk main event or see Undertaker live at Wrestlemania?

Hopefully this time I will be able to keep my hissy fits in check and not spend the remainder of the night laying on the floor in the dark and listening to "After the Gold Rush" on repeat.