2013 Royal Rumble Preview

Original Title: Royal Rumble Preview
Original Date Sent: January 24, 2013
Sent to: The people who I know who at one point liked wrestling.
Context: It's the Royal Rumble. Come on.


This Sunday is WWE's second biggest PPV of the year and usually the most fun. The Royal Rumble match is always great and even in a down year it provides the audience with dozens of moments of sheer joy. This year there is also a HUGE WWE Title match between long-reigning champion CM Punk and international movie star The Rock. Three other matches are scheduled and I would expect one or two more to end up on the show.

United States Championship Match
Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. The Miz
This match will be on the pre-show. Cesaro has been one of the best things going in WWE for months now. Lately he has been doing a great twist on the foreign-heel shtick, coming out to the ring waving an American flag while berating Americans about how they don't appreciate their country on the mic. Meanwhile, The Miz, a smarmy, unfunny, former Reality TV star, is supposed to be the good guy here. They've been feuding mostly on WWE's C-Show "Main Event" (which also happens to be the best hour of television they put on every week) where Miz is the color commentator. Cesaro claims that no American can beat him for the title. Miz hopes to change that. I'm hoping that the Swiss strongman can retain and then win the Royal Rumble and then win all the titles at Wrestlemania.

Tag Team Championship Match 
Team Hell No (Daniel Bryan & Kane) (c) vs. Rhodes Scholars (Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes) 
These are two of the better acts in the company and this is their long-overdue PPV showdown. Last month they couldn't do it thanks to Hell No getting promoted to the Main Event to face The Shield in a wild, out of control Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3vDkHEOjo8). The month before that Cody Rhodes was out of action with a shoulder injury after taking a horrendous bump directly on his shoulder (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJEYAF4GvEg). At this point it seems like the mismatched tag partners storyline between Kane & Daniel Bryan is coming to an end as they had an anger management graduation ceremony this past week on Raw. I suspect that they will lose the titles here and then break up during the Royal Rumble match later in the night. Rhodes Scholars, the tandem of facial hair-sporting intellectuals, deserve a run with the tag belts heading into Wrestlemania season.

World Heavyweight Championship 
Last Man Standing Match 
Alberto Del Rio (c) vs. The Big Show 
Del Rio won the title in a shocking upset on Smackdown a few weeks back in another Last Man Standing match (http://www.wwe.com/videos/alberto-del-rio-vs-big-show-last-man-standing-world-heavyweight-title-match-smac-26083446). It was a great moment for the recently turned Del Rio and his loyal manager/personal ring announcer/best friend Ricardo Rodriguez. Up to this point, Del Rio has spent his time in WWE as an arrogant Mexican aristocrat and has mostly been pretty lame and boring. But somehow when he became an awesome Mexican aristocrat who the crowd loves, everything came together. He's better in the ring, better on the mic, and his entrance now gets a monster reaction. Meanwhile, Big Show continues to be inexplicably good for a guy his size and age. He's now helped revitalize both Del Rio and Sheamus after both had lackluster runs throughout much of 2012. I expect Del Rio to hang on, but it wouldn't surprise me to see him lose it either to Big Show or to Dolph Ziggler, who still holds the Money in the Bank briefcase. 

The Royal Rumble Match 
Announced Participants: John Cena, Sheamus, Ryback, The Miz, Randy Orton, Dolph Ziggler, Antonio Cesaro, Wade Barrett, 3 Man Band (Heath Slater & Drew McIntyre & Jinder Mahal)
Here it is, the greatest gimmick match ever created. 30 wrestlers, one ring, one hour. Two men begin and then every two minutes (maybe 90 seconds now, can't remember how they're doing it this year) another enters. Eliminations occur when a participant is thrown over the top rope to the floor. Brilliance ensues. Even last year's relatively weak Rumble match was still a lot of fun. This year has a little bit more star power and some legitimate mystery as to who will win. The conventional wisdom is that it will be either Cena or Ryback, but it's not outside the realm of possibility that someone unexpected (like Sheamus last year) could get a star-making win. One of those possibilities is Dolph Ziggler, who "won" a Beat the Clock challenge on Raw and gets his choice of the first or second slot. Ziggler is certainly capable of make the end to end run and I expect him to be in the Final Four at the least. There are also usually some fun surprises by guys returning from injury (Rey Mysterio? Mark Henry?) or retirement (Mick Foley and Road Dogg last year). This isn't something to over-think. It's the most fun match of the year so let's just sit back and enjoy it.

WWE Championship Match 
CM Punk (c) vs. The Rock
This match has been built up since Raw's 1000th episode this past summer. The Rock announced that he would be returning for a title match at Royal Rumble. He later came out to save John Cena from an assault by The Big Show, only to be attacked by Punk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9CfwGQ3y-o). Punk has been the champion for well over a year and the thought is that his reign is about to come to an end in order for The Rock to be the top dog throughout the road to Wrestlemania. But we've thought Punk's run was coming to an end before and it seems that he still has quite a bit of momentum right now. This should be a really fun match. Punk is at his peak right now and Rock still gets huge reactions for just about everything he does. There will surely be extracurricular shenanigans as Punk's last few title defenses have involved help from The Shield (Punk will lose the title if they interfere here) and Brad Maddox (an evil referee turned wrestler whose color commentary during this match is without a doubt the funniest thing WWE has done in years: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9vCm5PiH2U). Punk's manager, Paul Heyman, has been involved with Brock Lesnar in the past. Could we see his return after a six month absence? The only certain thing is that the crowd will be LOUD for this one.