Original Title: Colin Farrell: An Appreciation
Original Date Sent: September 26, 2011
Sent to: The usual group that I annoy with these things.
Context: I'd been meaning to write about my benign Colin Farrell obsession for quite awhile now. Just felt like the right time, for whatever reason.
Hello,
You may remember me from such emails as the really long one about
pizza or the really long one about pro wrestling. Well, I'm back. This
time, I've decided to write a long-overdue appreciation of my favorite
films of Ireland's dreamiest actor, Colin Farrell. I've long admired
his work and I've decided to pick out a few favorites that no lover of
film should be without. These are in no particular order and the
quality of each film, for the purposes of this email, is based solely
on Mr. Farrell's work.
Tigerland - This was my first exposure. CF plays an Army recruit going
through boot camp in preparation for being shipped to Vietnam. Now, I
know you're probably thinking, "He's probably just a guy that follows
orders. Doesn't seem like the type to be a loose cannon." Well, you've
obviously never seen a Colin Farrell movie before. No stupid drill
sergeant is going to keep this guy down. Joel Schumacher has coaxed
competent lead performances out of the likes of Jason Patric and Judd
Nelson, so it would have been easy to pass this off as a fluke.
Fright Night - As president of the "Remake Everything with Colin
Farrell" club, I was incredibly excited that CF had been picked to
take over the role of Jerry Dandridge that Chris Sarandon made
semi-sorta-famous. And I was not disappointed. Well, the movie itself
isn't as good as the original. But CF totally rocks it, putting his
sleazy charisma to perfect effect.
In Bruges - The next time CF stars in some kind of year end prestige
movie, you may see the phrase "Golden Globe Winner Colin Farrell" in
the trailer. This is the role for which he won that coveted piece of
hardware. It's pretty inarguable that this is his best movie, showing
off everything that he does best: his sense of humor, his brooding,
his goofiness, his boyish charm. Oh, and he also hits a midget and a
woman. And if you're thinking, "Colin Farrell would never hit a
woman!" You obviously haven't seen...
Intermission - An Irish ensemble piece from the early part of the
decade where Colin Farrell, among other things, punches a woman's
lights out five minutes into the movie. It seems that European movies
get a lot more comedic mileage out of violence against women. Also,
you better believe that I'll be throwing Brown Sauce in my coffee at
least once if I ever make it back to Ireland.
Miami Vice - Oh man. My personal favorite. CF looks constantly
hung-over, rasps his way through his dialogue, and, most importantly,
has frequent outbursts. This movie is almost universally hated, but I
think people were looking for the wrong thing. They wanted a flashy,
neon, throwback Miami Vice. Instead they got a really dark, violent,
Mojito-soaked version. And I for one am all for it. My favorite scene
is one in which Crockett and Tubbs are having a meeting with the
police chief and the local FBI representative. The FBI rep (the guy
who played Caesar on Rome, by the way) says something about, "That's
what happens when you lay down with dogs." And CF responded by
pointing at him and yelling, "Hey go fuck yourself!" But he snaps at
him in such away that all three of the other actors look legitimately
taken aback. Jamie Foxx is not a good enough actor to call up that
look out of nowhere. And poor Julius Caesar has the same look on his
face that the DP of Terminator: Salvation probably had during his
altercation with Christian Bale. This movie could be an email all to
itself.
The New World - This movie is much better if you imagine that CF's
character is actually just Sonny Crockett sent back in time to
colonize Virginia. And it's not much of a stretch. It's the exact same
hung-over, raspy, outburst-heavy performance. Maybe the so-called
"critics" would consider this a negative. I think it's the greatest
strength of the movie (including the great use of the Wagner music at
the beginning and the end).
Pride and Glory - Colin Farrell threatens a baby with an iron. That's
pretty much the only worthwhile thing in this movie.
Ondine - Colin Farrell plays a white trash fisherman who finds a woman
that's either a mermaid or a hooker. It's Splash meets Pretty Woman as
directed by The Crying Game's Neil Jordan!
Horrible Bosses - I'm hoping for a DVD version where I can skip all
the lame parts and just enjoy 90 minutes of CF as a fat, balding, coke
snorting sleazeball of awesome.
The Way Back - Colin Farrell plays a loose cannon (gasp!). This time,
however, he does it with a giant tattoo of Stalin on his chest. Would
have been better if he frequently slapped Jim Sturgess in the face for
no discernible reason.
Crazy Heart - Jeff Bridges gets all the attention (and, I suppose,
rightfully so). But CF is there too! He plays the really successful
guy that came up as part of Bad Blake's band and now gives the old man
a few pity gigs during his tour. Another case of CF coming off
surprisingly well as a real actor in a real movie. I, of course,
prefer the outbursts and the emoting. But it's nice to see that he's
capable of doing great work when called upon to do so.
Total Recall - This comes out next summer and I'm already way too
excited. Sure, the director sucks. Sure, CF is not in the same
category of body mass as Arnold. But as president of the "Remake
Everything with Colin Farrell" club, I give this my whole-hearted
endorsement. I mean, it's CF vs. Bryan Cranston for God's sake. That
is guaranteed to be awesome. I'm already imagining CF's take on such
classic lines as "Get your ass to Mars," "hahahaha, you think this is
the real Quaid? It is!" and "I'll see you at the party Richter!"
I should probably stop before this goes to another level of creepy.
Mike Coast
