Original Title: CM Punk: Wrestling's Messiah
Original Date Sent: August 5th, 2011
Sent to: Various people who have shamefully admitted a passing interest in wrestling to me in the past.
Context: CM Punk was lighting up the WWE and making mainstream headlines. A friend of mine, let's call him "KFC," requested that I do a short recap of how Punk got to be where he is. This was the result.
Hello All,
If you are receiving this, you are probably swearing by now because
the pure volume of this email just crashed your hard drive. For that I
apologize. Once you have managed to load this successfully, I hope
you're ready to enjoy a steamy pile of pro wrestling. The emergence of
CM Punk has brought many a lapsed wrestling fan back into the fold. I
am one of those people. So, by request, here is a really, really long
email about CM Punk.
We've been calling it for years. Like Cheetoh-stained John the
Baptists, internet wrestling fans have long cried out in the cyber
wilderness that this day would come. CM Punk has arrived to die (or at
least be pinned) for our sins.
Many internet phenoms have come and gone in the decade since ECW went
under and the Indies became the domain in which the true fans sought
the next big thing. It was almost as if the territory system, long ago
slain by Vince McMahon, had been resurrected (I promise the Biblical
overtones will let up as this thing goes along). There were the
Philadelphia companies (CZW, JAPW, 3PW), the midwestern companies
(IWA-MS), Southern California (RevPro, PWG), and numerous other "hot
spots." If you could draw 400 fans or sell a few hundred tapes, you
could claim to be the biggest thing going. It wasn't until Ring of
Honor got their shit together, fired their pedophile CEO, and started
booking shows across the country than things began to stabilize.
Each promotion had their own stables of local talent. Like baseball
prospects, it was easy to see a bright future and try to overlook the
flaws. The Amazing Red was supposed to be the next Rey Mysterio until
health issues caught up to him and everybody figured out that he
couldn't actual wrestle a good match on his own. Chris Hero got rave
reviews for his technical prowess and European mat stylings, only his
chubbiness and bad hair were a kiss of death to the casual fan. Paul London
was the spark plug who shot to "Best in the World" status only months
after debuting in Ring of Honor. His height (or lack thereof) and his
blandness only became apart under the bright lights of his fizzled WWE
run. Super Dragon built up a solid fanbase, but his backyard-ish
outfit and lack of size ensured his Indy imprisonment. Samoa Joe
busted out of SoCal and brought a legitimate big match feel to every
show he was a part of. Too bad he was also fat. People also thought
that perhaps the Necrobutcher would become the next Mick Foley and cut
a brief but glorious path of destruction through the big time world of
WWE PPVs. He became a significant character in a Best Picture nominee
instead. Bryan Danielson was the alpha dog through it all, but people
were more realistic with his chances: he wrestled a style not welcome
in WWE, he was too small, and he had to fight against his natural lack
of charisma. In other words, he was destined to be a main eventer on
the Independent scene and a mainstay in Japan.
Then he was signed to a WWE contract, changed his name to Daniel
Bryan, and just won the Smackdown Money in the Bank match,
guaranteeing a future shot at the title. So I guess you never know.
Through it all though, CM Punk stood out. Even as a skinny teenager
wrestling in front of two dozen people in Indiana, he was blowing away
the tape trading community. It's the equivalent of a guy going 25-0
with a 0.85 ERA (not to mention a stellar WHIP and xFIP) playing for
the Auburn Doubledays in the NY Penn League. He had every tool that
you could ask for. His in-ring work was fantastic, he was genuinely
funny on color commentary, he could cut an emotional promo like a
trained actor, he was tall, his Straight Edge gimmick worked
perfectly, and he had a solid frame that could easily be bulked up if
WWE came calling. His only flaw was that he couldn't keep his mouth
shut and play the political games that it takes to succeed. The only
person who could derail CM Punk was CM Punk.
What follows is a road map that CM Punk took from obscure Chicago
product trying to find a place in a company that had made it's name on
ultraviolent death matches to the face of professional wrestling on
the biggest stage possible.
CM Punk vs. Chris Hero
Wrestlers very rarely get buzz all by themselves. This is even more
true when they're just starting out. After all, unless you're Steve
Martin, wrestling is a two man game (minimum). Sure, you'll
occasionally get a guy who pops up out of nowhere, but it's much more
likely to happen in pairs. This one followed the Indie sensation
formula every step of the way. You start with two guys being matched
up in their home company, in this case IWA Mid-South. At the time, IWA
(founded by ECW alum Ian Rotten) was known mostly for it's
envelope-pushing death matches (IWA is also where the aforementioned
Necrobutcher made his name). Much like the newspaper maxim "If it
bleeds, it leads," the best selling tapes from 2000-2001 usually
featured disgusting, blood-soaked death matches. Remember, at the time
you could see great wrestling on TV literally six nights a week. What
you couldn't see were these semi-illegal light tube & barbed wire
orgies of meth-fueled (allegedly) insanity.
It's a credit to Ian Rotten that he brought in young talent from all
over the midwest to, ya know, wrestle. So on quite a few of these
Death Match tapes, fans got the Easter Egg of Hero/Punk matches. Then
as buzz for the matches grew, the two took the next step down the dual
breakout star path: they took their show on the road. They went to
different promotions all across the country wrestling basically the
same match every time, only with the occasional change of the
finishing stretch. That was fine for awhile, but then they had to up
the ante.
In January 2003, Hero and Punk wrestled a 93 minute match. No, that's
not a typo. They wrestled a match that was longer than some mainstream
movies. They wrestled for longer than it takes to drive from Rochester
to Syracuse. They wrestled for longer than it takes to read this email
(well, maybe not quite that long...). And what's even better, they did
it in front of two dozen people in Indiana. That's the kind of thing
that Chuck Klosterman could write a whole book about. People like me
and famed Philosopher Roland Barthes like to look at professional
wrestling as performance art in its purest form. This match is an even
more pure distillation of that. It's not about the usual "I hate you"
or "I want your title." It is two wrestlers fighting against the
patience of the audience.
That's all well and good, but not every match was about honor and
respect and art and all that. These two could also tell a story. At a
tournament about a year later, Hero and Punk met in the semifinals.
Hero had just emerged from a hard fought match with an "injured" arm.
In their match, Punk purposely avoided going after the arm in question
as an unspoken sign of respect for his longtime rival. As the match
went along, the scales began to tilt in Hero's favor. And when they
did, Punk went right for the arm, winning the match shortly
thereafter. This speaks to Punk as a character: the sociopath who
preaches about integrity but does anything to gain an advantage. Sure
it's not their most epic match, but it's a perfect example of Punk's
savvy view of how to tell a story in the ring and not just on the
microphone.
CM Punk vs. Raven
This is where Punk really got to flex his might as a character. He'd
always had the "I'm better than you" straight edge thing going, but
like a surfboard in Oklahoma he'd never really gotten to use it. The
virtuous and nerdy Chris Hero wasn't exactly the ideal target for
Punk's pious wrath. Meanwhile, Punk had just joined up with Ring of
Honor but had not yet been given much to do.
Enter Raven. Raven is one of those guys that CM Punk likely looked at
as a massive influence growing up. His literate backstage promos and
iconic status in ECW made him royalty on the independent circuit after
the end of his brief WWE tenure (during which the only memorable part
was being nicknamed "Raisin" by Chris Jericho and playing a character
who whined and complained all the time). Raven also had well
documented personal demons, namely his alcohol and drug abuse
(shocking, I know).
Raven was the perfect target for Punk: a washed-up fan favorite with
serious real life issues that Punk could play upon. The in-ring
chemistry between these guys was practically nonexistent. Raven was,
after all, washed-up at this point in his career. But outside the ring
it was pure gold and one of the things that pushed Ring of Honor to
another level. ROH, at its inception, was billed as a company free of
storylines and talking. It was all about the athletic prowess of the
guys in the ring. That's all well and good, but it led to emotionless
technical exercises. When it's Bryan Danielson and Low Ki in
emotionless technical exercises, you can get away with that idea. But
you can't run a whole show, let alone a company, on technical
exhibitions alone. And you're certainly wasting your money on Raven's
bloated paycheck if you're not going to let him talk.
The feud came to a head when another ECW icon, Tommy Dreamer (on loan
from WWE), interfered on behalf of Raven. Together, they tied up Punk
and dumped beer all over him. After the show, Punk recorded what is
still to this day his best monologue. It was an emotional treatise
about why he chose to live a straight edge lifestyle and why Raven
disgusts him. If you could pinpoint a moment when we knew CM Punk
would be a big time player in the business, it was right here.
Exemplary Video Evidence: Punk's incredible monologue on why he hates
Raven so much: http://www.gamespot.com/users/sephy37/video_player?id=dXMxlmD-5bkEszfb
Second City Saints vs. The Briscoe Brothers
Okay, so this isn't that memorable, but it does provide some more Punk
backstory. During his various sit-in protests, Punk has given
shoutouts to Colt Cabana. Colt Cabana is Punk's former tag team
partner (and current best friend. In fact, when Punk won the title
there were photos on TMZ the next day of Punk running around Chicago
with Colt and the other member of the Second City Saints, Ace Steele).
As you can probably tell by his name, Colt isn't the most serious
wrestler in the world. His entrance music is "Copa Cabana." He dances
on his way to the ring. There were comedy spots in just about all of
his matches. But the odd couple thing worked. They were an
entertaining team and it was always fun seeing the dour Punk walk out
next to the smiling goofball. Oh, and Cabana could hold his own in the
ring as well. That's kind of important.
The Briscoes, Mark and Jay, broke out initially around the same time
as Punk. CZW booked them against each other as part of a tournament.
At the time, Jay was 18 and Mark was 16. And somehow they pulled off
one of the better matches to ever take place on American soil. And
probably the best match ever where neither participant was legally
allowed to drink, even in Canada. So of course they wrestled each
other another dozen times in several other companies over the next
year.
So essentially, you have the deep Delaware redneck Briscoes babbling
about manning up versus the mismatched tandem of CM Punk and "Classic"
Colt Cabana. How can you go wrong?
CM Punk vs. Samoa Joe
Somewhere along the line, people decided that CM Punk wasn't that good
a wrestler. Nevermind that he broke out solely on the strength of his
in-ring work in IWA-MS. Punk, they said, was little more than a sloppy
kid with a lot of tattoos who had the gift of gab. Then Punk and Samoa
Joe wrestled to a 60 minute draw out of nowhere for ROH in Dayton, OH.
Then they wrestled another 60 minute draw. This one received the first
coveted Five Star rating from the Wrestling Observer in America since
the mid-90s. This was the kind of match Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat
used to wrestle. This was on the same level as the Misawa vs. Kawada
classics.
Exemplary Video Evidence: It wouldn't feel right to not include a
poorly made match tribute video with stupid music. This is all from
their second 60 minute draw:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8_EWuRIfbk
The feud took off and took both guys to yet another level. At the
middle of it all was Samoa Joe's ROH Title. A title that Punk had
never held despite being one of the top attractions in the company for
many years. The two draws seemed to point to Punk winning the third
match and finally staking his claim to being the acknowledged top dog
in Independent wrestling.
Well, Punk lost that third match. And it didn't go close to an hour.
In the months after that, Punk began negotiating with WWE. Word
emerged that at the end of that spring, Punk would be hitting the big
time. Punk was given another title shot. This time against the man who
had ended the reign of Samoa Joe in shocking fashion a few months
before, Austin Aries. Knowing that it would be his final match in ROH,
the fans cheered for Punk and were firmly behind him the whole match.
A match that Punk won.
And then...
CM Punk vs. Ring of Honor
Punk turned. He turned in glorious fashion. Punk got on the mic and
proceeded to trash the company and its fans while bragging about how
he had been signed by WWE. He declared himself a snake. That summer
turned into Punk holding ROH hostage and entering the ring to his new
entrance music: Living Colour's "Cult of Personality" (sound
familiar?). ROH sent their best after Punk to try to reclaim the
title, but Punk kept winning.
This was Punk at his absolute best: A charismatic shit talker with a
disdain for authority who wrestled great matches to boot. Punk wasn't
on his way to being the best in the world; he was already there.
Punk's run ended at the hands of James Gibson (aka Jamie Knoble aka
Jamie Noble) who, ironically enough, had also just signed a WWE
contract.
Exemplary Video Evidence: CM Punk breaks the collective heart of the
dorky, chant-happy ROH fans:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xaitqh_cm-punks-wins-title-turns-heel_sport
CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy
This was Punk's first bigtime feud on the grandest stage of them all.
Unfortunately, I wasn't around to see it. This was during my
self-imposed exile from wrestling after shit got a little too real in
the Benoit household (If you don't know, Chris Benoit killed his his
wife and young son in a concussion fueled rage. Rumor has it he used
his finishing hold, the Crippler Crossface, to end his son's life.
Benoit was subsequently written out of wrestling history. The
wrestling police (most likely The Big Bossman and The Mountie) will be
knocking at my door any minute now). In any case, I heard it was great
and very similar to Punk's previous feud with Raven. Except, of
course, for the fact that Hardy was even more of a babbling
pill-popper who had long since seen his peak.
Exemplary Video Evidence: CM Punk pisses off the fans by dressing up
as Jeff Hardy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhzwhAYy5hA
CM Punk vs. WWE
The present day. Punk's contract was about to run its course. His WWE
run, to that point, had been somewhat successful. He had won various
titles, had good matches, and developed a memorable, though often
watered down, character. The thought was that Punk would have one more
month where he would be on the business end of a Loser Leaves Town
match in order to elevate one of the Cookie-Cutter up-and-comers.
But then they gave him the mic. And he unleashed his now legendary
evisceration of WWE as a company. It was a thing of beauty. This has
been written about more eloquently elsewhere, but, in short, Punk was
voicing the concerns of the so-called "smart" fans toward the WWE. And
from there Punk took off. In the subsequent weeks, Punk ripped apart
WWE as a company, Vince as a person, and Cena as the top guy in the
company (And this past week, Punk's showdown with internet wrestling's
Satan, HHH, was positively sublime (Here's an example of how hated HHH
is by the fans in question. Jimmy Rave was a middling independent
wrestler who occasionally wrestled a good match but never really left
an impression. He started to use HHH's finisher, the Pedigree, and
instantly got massive heat everywhere he went). Punk's impression of
HHH's pillow talk literally made my jaw drop into my $20 room service
hamburger).
Exemplary Video Evidence: CM Punk makes wrestling relevant again in
just five minutes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Is9SdaC-X8
For Punk to truly seize the reigns as the Best in the World, there was
one more step: Put on a world-shaking match. At the Money in the Bank
PPV, Punk got his chance. His opponent was John Cena, a human cartoon
clad in jorts and wrist bands who had become inexplicably popular
despite regularly drawing boos from half of the live crowd on any
given night. Cena, though annoying as a character, is actually a
pretty damn good wrestler in the right circumstances. Cena had carried
multiple monster types (Umaga, Great Khali, Mark Henry) to passable
matches in the past. He also had a knack for delivering in "epic"
matches. If nothing else, Cena made you feel like you were watching
something big go down.
Money in the Bank was to take place in Chicago. There were several
scenarios in play:
1. Punk loses clean and gets a heartfelt goodbye from his hometown crowd.
2. Cena turns heel and cheats to win. Punk still gets a heartfelt
goodbye and Cena as villain carries WWE through the summer.
3. Vince interferes in Montreal Screwjob fashion to cheat Punk out of
the title ala Bret Hart.
4. Punk wins but immediately loses the title to one of the Money in
the Bank winners from earlier in the night.
5. Punk wins and walks out with the title.
Given WWE's track record, the final scenario looked like the least
likely going in.
The match played out better than anyone could have hoped. It wasn't
the "best" match either guy has ever had, but it certainly felt like
the most important. Punk, being a consummate student of the craft,
lifted the structure from the Misawa/Kawada All Japan matches that are
legendary among the internet nerds who care about these things. Misawa
was the biggest name in Japanese wrestling at the time and could well
be considered the best ever. Unfortunately, he is now more famous for
dying in the ring (well, technically he died on the way to the
hospital. But still.) Kawada was his stoic, mulleted counterpart; a
Japanese Terminator. One could also make a compelling case that Kawada
was the best to ever live. The story of their matches was that Kawada
could not beat Misawa. No matter how much punishment he laid on,
Kawada could never manage to get the three count. The Japanese crowds
ate this up. Every time Misawa kicked out at two, the normally quiet,
patient Japanese fans would lose their shit (Kawada would finally beat
Misawa in a tag match after five years of trying. That match, by the
way, is my personal pick for best match ever wrestled).
Bonus Video: The last ten minutes of the Misawa/Kawada match in 1994
that other folks say is the best match of all time. Misawa is in the
Green, Kawada is in the black:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VV5KZZIM1g&feature=related
(By the way, no one has ever been more emotionally invested in
anything than the announcer is in this match. It's like he's watching
his two kids beat the shit out of each other and he can't decide which
one he loves more)
Punk and Cena implemented this template, but with a twist. Cena,
normally the unbeatable crowd favorite, was playing the Kawada role
while Punk was Chicago's tattooed Misawa. Cena used every move in his
arsenal multiple times but just couldn't finish off Punk. At one
point, Cena even looked at the referee in disbelief as if to say,
"There's nothing more I can do to beat this guy."
Then out came Vince. At this point, the crowd's collective asshole
tightened in anticipation of the Chicago screwjob. Vince sent his VP,
Johnny Ace, to the scorer's table to ring the bell and end the match.
But the virtuous Cena used all of his trademark qualities (Hustle,
Loyalty, Respect; or so it says on his merchandise) to stop the
miscarriage of justice. When Cena hopped back in the ring, Punk hit
the Go 2 Sleep and won the title.
Before he could celebrate, Vince ordered Albert Del Rio to cash in his
Money in the Bank title shot that he had won earlier on the show. Del
Rio rushed the ring but was knocked out with a kick by Punk upon
entering. Punk then took the title, blew Vince a kiss, and exited
through the adoring crowd.
Thus, Punk delivered on all the promise we saw in him ten years ago.
"Someday he'll be the biggest wrestler in the world." That day is now.
Mike Coast
PS - Feel free to forward this to anyone you feel might not hate it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Foreign Films My Dad Might Like
Original Title: Foreign Movies You Might Like
Original Date Sent: May 3rd, 2011
Sent to: Dear Old Dad
Context: I turned my parents on to Netflix because my dad likes to watch movies. Whenever I go home to visit, I'm amazed that they are not taking any advantage of it whatsoever beyond watching hundred of SVU episodes a week. So I wrote this email. To my knowledge, my dad has only watched one of these movies in the time since then.
I am sick of seeing you have four movies on your Netflix list. You don't have to watch any of these, but you'd be missing out. So here are some movies in other languages that you may find tolerable.
Yojimbo (1961) Dir. Akira Kurosawa
Closest Parallel: Fistful of Dollars
A crusty, mean guy wanders into town and plays two rival gangs against each other. The dusty streets and rickety buildings inspired many of the Westerns that came after it. This also pioneered the idea of the snivelling little bad guy with superior firepower. One scene is directly copied in The Warriors.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Sanjuro, which is the sequel. Not quite as good, but has an incredible (and shocking) ending.
Seven Samurai (1954) Dir. Akira Kurosawa
Closest Parallel: Dirty Dozen
This was remade as The Magnificent Seven, but structurally and characterwise it's much closer to the Dirty Dozen. A poor town hires a wandering samurai to help protect their town from bandits. He in turn puts together a team. They train the villagers and put up defenses while awaiting the attack. Usually cited as being the first true action movie and one of the most influential movies ever. You still see most of these character types in any movie where a group is being put together for any kind of goal or quest.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Throne of Blood, another Kurosawa epic with a bloody ending.
Ran (1985) Dir. Akira Kurosawa
Closest Parallel: Lord of the Rings
I guess I just can't think of a real parallel for this. Every shot of the movie looks like something out of a painting. Just absolutely perfect. A feudal lord has decided to retire and divide his land amongst his three sons. Only the sons don't get along and things quickly devolve into a three-way Civil War. There's a chance that it's too slow paced for you, but the battle scenes (with the bright colors of each army) are like nothing you've ever seen before.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Kagemusha, which was made by Kurosawa a few years before as a dress rehearsal for Ran.
Black Book (2006) Dir. Paul Verhoeven
Closest Parallel: Basic Instinct
You know the name Paul Verhoeven from Robocop and Total Recall. Before he started making awesome action movies, he was making psychological thrillers in the Netherlands. After spending two decades in Hollywood, he returned home to make this movie about a woman who joins the Dutch Resistance movement and falls in love with a Nazi. I picked it primarily because it has tons of nudity that you can hoot and holler over.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: The Fourth Man, also full of nudity and quite violent. Made before Verhoeven came to America.
I Saw the Devil (2010) Dir. Kim Ji-woon
Closest Parallel: Silence of the Lambs
Graphically violent but also very funny. A Korean Secret Service agent's wife is tortured and killed by a serial killer. The agent then vows to make the killer's life a living hell. Along the way, both of them happen upon other colorful serial killers roaming around Korea. One of the death scenes will surely be stolen by a mainstream director within the next couple years.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Oldboy, a Korean movie in the similar vein (I'm not a fan, but most people tend to like it).
The Great Silence (1968) Dir. Sergio Corbucci
Closest Parallel: Jeremiah Johnson
This one is kind of a cheat. It's like Jeremiah Johnson in that it takes place during the winter, has long periods without dialogue, and has a bleak worldview. Also, it's a Spaghetti Western, so it's dubbed into English. However, the cast is made of of European actors so I doubt you'd have seen this otherwise.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Django, also a violent Spaghetti Western starring Europeans that has a cult following.
Aguirre, the Wrath of God (1972) Dir. Werner Herzog
Closest Parallel: Apocalypse Now
A German movie about a group of Conquistadors branching off on their own private mission to find the golden city of El Dorado. It devolves into a surreal, brutal journey down the Amazon River filled with natural disasters, Indian attacks, and betrayals among the Spanish. Contains what is probably the most intense acting performance of all time (the apocryphal story is that the director forced him to act at gunpoint; he actually just threatened to kill him while holding a gun one time). Shot on the Amazon and all the hardships that come with it. The opening shot alone is some of the most incredible stuff caught on film.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Cobra Verde, same director and same star only this time it's about a slave trader who ends up being stranded in Africa.
Even Dwarfs Started Small (1970) Dir. Werner Herzog
Closest Parallel: Eraserhead
Like every David Lynch nightmare come true. The cast is made up entirely of midgets. The loose story is that the inmates of a mental asylum have taken over and laid siege on the office of the warden. Meanwhile, they devolve into chaos, much of it involving animal cruelty and mocking the crippled. One of the most disturbing movies you'll ever see. I will almost guarantee that you will have nightmares after seeing this.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Salo: a 100 of Sodom, which is an Italian movie about a bunch of fascist bureaucrats who kidnap a group of kids, rape them, and force them to eat their own shit. Fun for the whole family!
Sword of Doom (1966) Dir. Kakachi Okamoto
Closest Parallel: Hondo
Hondo is the most senselessly violent John Wayne movie (and maybe pre-Wild Bunch Western, for that matter) and this is the most senselessly violent of the Japanese Samurai movies. Wall to wall action. Literally. It ends mid-sword swing. Also features a battle between the two icons of the genre (which is more extended than the other times they clashed in Yojimbo and Sanjuro).
If You Like This You Might Also Like: District B13, a ridiculous French action movie based around the concept of parkour (free-walking) in a futuristic Paris slum.
The Battle of Algiers (1966) Dir. Gillo Pontecorvo
Closest Parallel: The Hurt Locker
This movie is regularly screened in the Pentagon as a counter-insurgency guide. Tells the story of the French war with Algeria from both sides. Touches on things we still deal with in wars today such as the ethics of torture, the cost of civilian casualties, and the role of Western powers in developing Muslim nations. It also works as a kickass war movie. Another movie with sequences that have been copied over and over again.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Army of Shadows, a much slower movie about French Resistance fighters during WW2. Certainly touches on the same issues and also serves as a companion piece since many of the French officers in Algiers had been members of the earlier resistance movement against the Nazis and had used similar tactics.
The Wages of Fear (1953) Dir. Henri-Georges Clouzot
Closest Parallel: North By Northwest
Hitchcock wishes he was Clouzot. Really, he does. They often competed over scripts and Hitchcock spent much of his time in the 50's trying to outdo his French rival. The story is simple. A group of down-and-out European emigres in South America is hired to drive two trucks full of nitroglycerin to an oil well that has caught on fire. Along the way, they must prevent the trucks from rocking too much on the winding mountain roads for fear of them exploding. Whoever survives gets a cash prize. And that's the whole movie: try not to get blown up.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Diabolique, which Hitchcock desperately tried to get the rights to. This movie did for bathtubs in Europe what Psycho did for showers here.
M (1933) Dir. Fritz Lang
Closest Parallel: Citizen Kane
Not thematically the same as Citizen Kane, but in the sense of it being an aspect of cinema mastered for the first time. Sound had just been introduced, and this was the first film to really use it (especially music cues) effectively. Peter Lorre plays a child molester stalking the streets. When his criminal activity forces a police crackdown, the city's crime syndicate hunts him down. This is thought of by some as the best movie ever made outside the English language.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: The Testament of Dr. Mabuse, Lang's last German movie, which depicts a fascist police force committing assassinations. Not exactly a proper topic in Germany at that time.
Virgin Spring (1960) Dir. Ingmar Bergman
Closest Parallel: Last House on the Left
Bergman is one of the world's most important directors, but I felt like you wouldn't be able to sit through most of his stuff. Then I remembered that Wes Craven had remade one of his movies and didn't really have to change much. Just fast forward a couple hundred years and add just a tad more blood.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: The Seventh Seal, Bergman's most iconic movie. This is best known for the Crusader having a chess game with death.
Battleship Potemkin (1925) Dir. Sergei Eisenstein
Closest Parallel: The Untouchables
You may wonder why a silent Soviet propaganda film has anything to do with The Untouchables. Well, not much. Except for the fact that most of the action scenes in the latter movie are lifted from the infamous Odessa Steps sequence. DePalma, though, has never been shy about borrowing from other movies. Also, this was supposedly Charlie Chaplin's favorite movie.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Ivan the Terrible, a two-parter about the rise to power and subsequent infamy of the Russian tsar.
City of God (2002) Dir. Fernando Meirelles
Closest Parallel: Goodfellas
Movies at their most exciting. This was one of those movies that really rocked the boat when it came out (along the lines of Pan's Labyrinth). The director has gone on to do mainstream movies and will surely continue to do so. The story is about the violent drug wars waged mostly by teenagers in the streets of Brazil. Equally fun and disturbing and easily one of the best movies of the last decade.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Amores Peros, which has three storylines of which only one I really liked. But it's about dog-fighting and that aspect is really well-done.
Un Prophete (2009) Dir. Jacques Audiard
Closest Parallel: The Godfather Part II
A meek French-Algerian kid is sent to prison where a Corsican mob boss unwittingly molds him into a criminal mastermind. Tense from beginning to end with several brutally violent interludes. This was compared to the DeNiro scenes of Godfather II when it came out and it fits both in the structural arc and in the powerful & multi-lingual performance by the lead actor.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Infernal Affairs, the Hong Kong movie that The Departed was based on. Has a similar energy and theme of young men growing into their roles while living a lie.
Come and See (1985) Dir. Elem Klimov
Closest Parallel: Saving Private Ryan
I could have also said Schindler's List or any other time Spielberg has tried to be a serious filmmaker in the past twenty years. Basically, a young kid in Belarus joins the resistance movement against the Nazi invasion. And then he experiences the war. And it is so terrifying and brutal in a way that no other movie has ever been able to touch.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: No Man's Land, which is not the same as the Charlie Sheen Porsche-stealing movie. It's about two Eastern Europeans on the opposite sides of the Serbian War caught in a foxhole together.
That's all I can think of for now. Enjoy!
Mike
Original Date Sent: May 3rd, 2011
Sent to: Dear Old Dad
Context: I turned my parents on to Netflix because my dad likes to watch movies. Whenever I go home to visit, I'm amazed that they are not taking any advantage of it whatsoever beyond watching hundred of SVU episodes a week. So I wrote this email. To my knowledge, my dad has only watched one of these movies in the time since then.
I am sick of seeing you have four movies on your Netflix list. You don't have to watch any of these, but you'd be missing out. So here are some movies in other languages that you may find tolerable.
Yojimbo (1961) Dir. Akira Kurosawa
Closest Parallel: Fistful of Dollars
A crusty, mean guy wanders into town and plays two rival gangs against each other. The dusty streets and rickety buildings inspired many of the Westerns that came after it. This also pioneered the idea of the snivelling little bad guy with superior firepower. One scene is directly copied in The Warriors.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Sanjuro, which is the sequel. Not quite as good, but has an incredible (and shocking) ending.
Seven Samurai (1954) Dir. Akira Kurosawa
Closest Parallel: Dirty Dozen
This was remade as The Magnificent Seven, but structurally and characterwise it's much closer to the Dirty Dozen. A poor town hires a wandering samurai to help protect their town from bandits. He in turn puts together a team. They train the villagers and put up defenses while awaiting the attack. Usually cited as being the first true action movie and one of the most influential movies ever. You still see most of these character types in any movie where a group is being put together for any kind of goal or quest.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Throne of Blood, another Kurosawa epic with a bloody ending.
Ran (1985) Dir. Akira Kurosawa
Closest Parallel: Lord of the Rings
I guess I just can't think of a real parallel for this. Every shot of the movie looks like something out of a painting. Just absolutely perfect. A feudal lord has decided to retire and divide his land amongst his three sons. Only the sons don't get along and things quickly devolve into a three-way Civil War. There's a chance that it's too slow paced for you, but the battle scenes (with the bright colors of each army) are like nothing you've ever seen before.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Kagemusha, which was made by Kurosawa a few years before as a dress rehearsal for Ran.
Black Book (2006) Dir. Paul Verhoeven
Closest Parallel: Basic Instinct
You know the name Paul Verhoeven from Robocop and Total Recall. Before he started making awesome action movies, he was making psychological thrillers in the Netherlands. After spending two decades in Hollywood, he returned home to make this movie about a woman who joins the Dutch Resistance movement and falls in love with a Nazi. I picked it primarily because it has tons of nudity that you can hoot and holler over.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: The Fourth Man, also full of nudity and quite violent. Made before Verhoeven came to America.
I Saw the Devil (2010) Dir. Kim Ji-woon
Closest Parallel: Silence of the Lambs
Graphically violent but also very funny. A Korean Secret Service agent's wife is tortured and killed by a serial killer. The agent then vows to make the killer's life a living hell. Along the way, both of them happen upon other colorful serial killers roaming around Korea. One of the death scenes will surely be stolen by a mainstream director within the next couple years.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Oldboy, a Korean movie in the similar vein (I'm not a fan, but most people tend to like it).
The Great Silence (1968) Dir. Sergio Corbucci
Closest Parallel: Jeremiah Johnson
This one is kind of a cheat. It's like Jeremiah Johnson in that it takes place during the winter, has long periods without dialogue, and has a bleak worldview. Also, it's a Spaghetti Western, so it's dubbed into English. However, the cast is made of of European actors so I doubt you'd have seen this otherwise.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Django, also a violent Spaghetti Western starring Europeans that has a cult following.
Aguirre, the Wrath of God (1972) Dir. Werner Herzog
Closest Parallel: Apocalypse Now
A German movie about a group of Conquistadors branching off on their own private mission to find the golden city of El Dorado. It devolves into a surreal, brutal journey down the Amazon River filled with natural disasters, Indian attacks, and betrayals among the Spanish. Contains what is probably the most intense acting performance of all time (the apocryphal story is that the director forced him to act at gunpoint; he actually just threatened to kill him while holding a gun one time). Shot on the Amazon and all the hardships that come with it. The opening shot alone is some of the most incredible stuff caught on film.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Cobra Verde, same director and same star only this time it's about a slave trader who ends up being stranded in Africa.
Even Dwarfs Started Small (1970) Dir. Werner Herzog
Closest Parallel: Eraserhead
Like every David Lynch nightmare come true. The cast is made up entirely of midgets. The loose story is that the inmates of a mental asylum have taken over and laid siege on the office of the warden. Meanwhile, they devolve into chaos, much of it involving animal cruelty and mocking the crippled. One of the most disturbing movies you'll ever see. I will almost guarantee that you will have nightmares after seeing this.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Salo: a 100 of Sodom, which is an Italian movie about a bunch of fascist bureaucrats who kidnap a group of kids, rape them, and force them to eat their own shit. Fun for the whole family!
Sword of Doom (1966) Dir. Kakachi Okamoto
Closest Parallel: Hondo
Hondo is the most senselessly violent John Wayne movie (and maybe pre-Wild Bunch Western, for that matter) and this is the most senselessly violent of the Japanese Samurai movies. Wall to wall action. Literally. It ends mid-sword swing. Also features a battle between the two icons of the genre (which is more extended than the other times they clashed in Yojimbo and Sanjuro).
If You Like This You Might Also Like: District B13, a ridiculous French action movie based around the concept of parkour (free-walking) in a futuristic Paris slum.
The Battle of Algiers (1966) Dir. Gillo Pontecorvo
Closest Parallel: The Hurt Locker
This movie is regularly screened in the Pentagon as a counter-insurgency guide. Tells the story of the French war with Algeria from both sides. Touches on things we still deal with in wars today such as the ethics of torture, the cost of civilian casualties, and the role of Western powers in developing Muslim nations. It also works as a kickass war movie. Another movie with sequences that have been copied over and over again.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Army of Shadows, a much slower movie about French Resistance fighters during WW2. Certainly touches on the same issues and also serves as a companion piece since many of the French officers in Algiers had been members of the earlier resistance movement against the Nazis and had used similar tactics.
The Wages of Fear (1953) Dir. Henri-Georges Clouzot
Closest Parallel: North By Northwest
Hitchcock wishes he was Clouzot. Really, he does. They often competed over scripts and Hitchcock spent much of his time in the 50's trying to outdo his French rival. The story is simple. A group of down-and-out European emigres in South America is hired to drive two trucks full of nitroglycerin to an oil well that has caught on fire. Along the way, they must prevent the trucks from rocking too much on the winding mountain roads for fear of them exploding. Whoever survives gets a cash prize. And that's the whole movie: try not to get blown up.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Diabolique, which Hitchcock desperately tried to get the rights to. This movie did for bathtubs in Europe what Psycho did for showers here.
M (1933) Dir. Fritz Lang
Closest Parallel: Citizen Kane
Not thematically the same as Citizen Kane, but in the sense of it being an aspect of cinema mastered for the first time. Sound had just been introduced, and this was the first film to really use it (especially music cues) effectively. Peter Lorre plays a child molester stalking the streets. When his criminal activity forces a police crackdown, the city's crime syndicate hunts him down. This is thought of by some as the best movie ever made outside the English language.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: The Testament of Dr. Mabuse, Lang's last German movie, which depicts a fascist police force committing assassinations. Not exactly a proper topic in Germany at that time.
Virgin Spring (1960) Dir. Ingmar Bergman
Closest Parallel: Last House on the Left
Bergman is one of the world's most important directors, but I felt like you wouldn't be able to sit through most of his stuff. Then I remembered that Wes Craven had remade one of his movies and didn't really have to change much. Just fast forward a couple hundred years and add just a tad more blood.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: The Seventh Seal, Bergman's most iconic movie. This is best known for the Crusader having a chess game with death.
Battleship Potemkin (1925) Dir. Sergei Eisenstein
Closest Parallel: The Untouchables
You may wonder why a silent Soviet propaganda film has anything to do with The Untouchables. Well, not much. Except for the fact that most of the action scenes in the latter movie are lifted from the infamous Odessa Steps sequence. DePalma, though, has never been shy about borrowing from other movies. Also, this was supposedly Charlie Chaplin's favorite movie.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Ivan the Terrible, a two-parter about the rise to power and subsequent infamy of the Russian tsar.
City of God (2002) Dir. Fernando Meirelles
Closest Parallel: Goodfellas
Movies at their most exciting. This was one of those movies that really rocked the boat when it came out (along the lines of Pan's Labyrinth). The director has gone on to do mainstream movies and will surely continue to do so. The story is about the violent drug wars waged mostly by teenagers in the streets of Brazil. Equally fun and disturbing and easily one of the best movies of the last decade.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Amores Peros, which has three storylines of which only one I really liked. But it's about dog-fighting and that aspect is really well-done.
Un Prophete (2009) Dir. Jacques Audiard
Closest Parallel: The Godfather Part II
A meek French-Algerian kid is sent to prison where a Corsican mob boss unwittingly molds him into a criminal mastermind. Tense from beginning to end with several brutally violent interludes. This was compared to the DeNiro scenes of Godfather II when it came out and it fits both in the structural arc and in the powerful & multi-lingual performance by the lead actor.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: Infernal Affairs, the Hong Kong movie that The Departed was based on. Has a similar energy and theme of young men growing into their roles while living a lie.
Come and See (1985) Dir. Elem Klimov
Closest Parallel: Saving Private Ryan
I could have also said Schindler's List or any other time Spielberg has tried to be a serious filmmaker in the past twenty years. Basically, a young kid in Belarus joins the resistance movement against the Nazi invasion. And then he experiences the war. And it is so terrifying and brutal in a way that no other movie has ever been able to touch.
If You Like This You Might Also Like: No Man's Land, which is not the same as the Charlie Sheen Porsche-stealing movie. It's about two Eastern Europeans on the opposite sides of the Serbian War caught in a foxhole together.
That's all I can think of for now. Enjoy!
Mike
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Pizza Email
Original Title: The Pizza Email
Original Date Sent: July 7, 2011
Sent to: Various people who enjoy the pizza of New York City
Context: I get a tad excited about pizza. People often ask me about it, so I wrote a short guide.
Hello,
I am sending you this email because in the past you may have shown the slightest interest in the pizza of New York City. Feel free to delete or forward to whomever you may wish.
Here is a semi-exhaustive list of the best pizza places within the city limits (we'll save the best of New Haven, Jersey, Long Island, Chicago, and Yonkers for another day...). I will also include some pretenders that I feel like ripping apart. This list is in no particular order and you may decide what is the best based on your own personal preferences. All of the places on this list may be thought of as equals (though as Orwell said, some are more equal than others).
Anyway, here they are, organized by borough.
The Bronx
I have yet to find a definitive place there, and not for lack of trying. There's Full Moon Pizza in Little Italy that is so much like a Ray's that it should be called Famous Original Full Moon Pizza. Zero Otto Nove, also in Little Italy, was a trendy pick in the recent past. Fresh ingredients, real tomatoes, civilized proportions...in other words, it's a place that appeals to the New York Magazine crowd and not so much to the Mike Coast crowd (a one person crowd, I admit). There's also a slice place called Tommy's in Throg's Neck that's a hike to get to and falls just short of being worth it. It's good,but not worth the trip. If I ever move to Throg's Neck, though...
Staten Island
So, nothing in the Bronx is worth the hike (and if you think I'm wrong, please correct me. I'd love to find a great place up there). Staten Island, on the other hand, has several that are worth the Subway, Ferry, Bus trifecta.
Joe & Pat's - Staten Island has long been known as the place where wealthy Italians go to buy McMansions and indulge all their gaudy whims (don't worry, I'm 1/8 Italian. By Seinfeld rules I can say these things (for future reference, I am also allowed to make fun of the Irish and Polish in similar fashion)(Also, I'm not saying that all Italians are gaudy. Just the ones on Staten Island)). That's why it's so odd that the one thing that's not completely over-the-top there is their pizza. Joe & Pat's is delicate in taste and composition. The crust is famously cracker thin and just slightly crispy. This is the type of place where you'll see a Little League team celebrate after a big win and you'll grow immediately jealous that they get to come here and you had to go to Pizza Hut (not to trash Pizza Hut. I have indulged in their lunch buffet many times. But a Joe & Pat's lunch buffet...holy shit).
Da Nino's - I've only been there once but it was great. There is a great ice cream place right across the street as well. There is a school of thought that this is the superior pizza place. And yes, I just used the word "school" in reference to a place on Staten Island.
A&S Pizza - So, it's not the best in the world. Just a small slice place. But, it's right by the ferry for those people that are afraid to take the bus into Staten Island's Heart of Darkness. It also has a soft spot in for me because of the "Ass Pizza" moniker that has since been attached to it. I'm probably underselling it right now because it's actually quite good. If you just want to ride the ferry for an up close, poor man's view of the Statue of Liberty it's certainly worth stopping here before you turn around and sail back to civilization.
Queens
A quick disclaimer. Queens is fucking huge. I have by no means tried everything. Not even close. And most of the one's I've been to are of the one off variety. A&J, out in Forest Hills has an exceptional Grandma slice. But how often do I find myself in Forest Hills? There are a couple places that had pleasant slices, but nothing that I can really remember. So there's only like two on this list and they're both in Astoria. Lame, I know.
A&J - Fuck it. Go to Forest Hills. Their sauce is delicious and chunky and sweet and it's piled on top of a regular square slice. It's also Hank Azaria's favorite pizza. If it's good enough for Apu, Chief Wiggum, and Agador Spartacus, it's good enough for me.
Michael Angelo's - Hidden away on a sidestreet somewhere in the far end of Astoria. They have a pizza called the Sophia Loren that has a different taste every bite. And though the fresh mozzarella/fresh tomatoes combination may sound healthy, there is enough olive oil dumped on top to make it sufficiently greasy and drippy.
Rizzo's - Yes. My personal favorite square slice place (the only rival to that throne appears later in the list). The cheese and sauce are both different than regular pizza. I'd describe them in detail, but I'm not a food critic. I am an awesomeness critic. And Rizzo's is awesome. They have also stuck to serving RC Cola. Oh, and they will often give you a free slice if it's your first time there. Like I said, awesome.
Manhattan
Ignore anything that's a chain. Any Patsy's where the majority of the neighborhood doesn't speak Spanish, any Totonno's where you can't hear a rollercoaster while you're eating, any variation of Ray's (fine for lunch or whatever, but you're not doing yourself any favors by going there), Sbarro, La Famiglia, Two Brothers...just ignore them. Also, Artichoke is burned crap that is trying way too hard to produce a DiFara's knockoff. Never have I gone there and thought to myself "Wow! That wasn't disappointing at all!"
Lombardi's - The original great pizza place. It's crowded and expensive and follows the golden rule of Little Italy (Authentic Italian Food Cooked by Mexicans), but I've never had anything less than great pizza there.
Patsy's - The one in Spanish Harlem. The best pizza on the island of Manhattan (and it ain't close). The crust is the thinnest imaginable and yet if you look at a slice from the side you can still see that it's slightly bubbled. I once went there by myself, ordered a large pie, downed it in one sitting, and got applauded by a bunch of old people. I'm also afraid to put any toppings on these because the crust is so goddamn thin I'm afraid that they will fall right through.
John's on Bleecker Street - Good old-fashion coal oven goodness. Cash only. Delicious. Reasonably priced. Pictures of celebrities awkwardly standing next to the owner. Walls devoted to Italy and to Astronauts. It's everything a pizza place should be.
Joe's - Slice place by the W 4th St. Subway station. Spiderman worked there in one of those movies. If a space alien landed on Earth and said "I have heard tales in the Andromeda galaxy of this thing you humans call New York style pizza. Not Neopolitan or Sicilian mind you, but just a New York thin crust slice. Take me to a place where they serve an example of this and I will spare your otherwise useless planet," you would take him here.
Bleecker Street Pizza - Umm, you could probably take that alien here as well. Looks fairly unassuming except for all the awards and shit on the walls. They also have much more variety than Joe's, if that's your thing.
Sal & Carmine's - The saltiest pizza on Earth (I'm pretty sure it's because of the cheese they use and not that they just dump salt on top). The "Sal" of the namesake died the same day as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Or maybe it was "Carmine." Either way, the one that's still alive continues to make great pizza that requires a drink on the side.
Brooklyn
The pinnacle of pizza. If you at all enjoy dough, sauce, and cheese cooked together in an oven, you are required to eat at all of this places. That's not to say that all the places in Brooklyn are incredible. After first visiting the much-hyped Lucali, I remember quipping that "Lucali" must be Italian for "Amateur Hour." (Hilarious, I know). There are a couple good places in Red Hook, but they are not good enough for me to remember their names (one is something like Amanti's and the other is something like Rocky Sullivan's or some other Irish/Italian hybrid). There are also plenty of slice places like My Little Pizza and Sal's that I'm basically glossing over. I'm sure there are hidden places in Bensonhurst that I'm not aware of. I'd also be remiss if I didn't confess to often getting a Hot 'n' Ready $5 pizza from the Little Caesar's in Bushwick.
Grimaldi's - The be-all-end-all. It's worth waiting in line, it's never short of transcendent, and it has the best pepperoni in the world. Some people think Grimaldi's is overrated. Those people are stupid and should learn to like a different food.
DiFara - One of the great conundrums of the pizza world. Is it worth going to Midwood, wading through Hassidic Jews, waiting forever, and getting insanely frustrated for pizza that costs a small fortune? Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but I no longer think that it is. However, if you've never been it's a must. Get while the old guy Dom is still alive. Much like pledging a fraternity, it's the best thing that you never want to do again (Well, I'd actually go through pledging again in a heartbeat. Hazing = Life).
Totonno's - The best food that Coney Island has to offer. Fuck Nathan's. The pizza is great, of course. The real treat here is the rude (and borderline malicious) wait staff. If you walk in and get yelled at, don't fret. It's part of the experience. In all likelihood, there will be a 180 turn within minutes where they say something really tender and poetic about feeding the seagulls with leftover pizza crust. It's like eating dinner with your abusive, manic-depressive family.
L&B Spumoni Gardens - Remember how I alluded to the only real rival to the Rizzo's square slice monopoly? This is what I was talking about. I've been here three time and that's not nearly enough. People from Bensonhurst hate when this place gets brought up because they don't want their secret to get out. There is also an ice cream place attached that is about as good as their pizza. Also, I'm pretty sure it's the only place on this list with its own parking lot.
******
That's all I can think of offhand. Hope this wasn't too tedious to read.
Mike Coast
Original Date Sent: July 7, 2011
Sent to: Various people who enjoy the pizza of New York City
Context: I get a tad excited about pizza. People often ask me about it, so I wrote a short guide.
Hello,
I am sending you this email because in the past you may have shown the slightest interest in the pizza of New York City. Feel free to delete or forward to whomever you may wish.
Here is a semi-exhaustive list of the best pizza places within the city limits (we'll save the best of New Haven, Jersey, Long Island, Chicago, and Yonkers for another day...). I will also include some pretenders that I feel like ripping apart. This list is in no particular order and you may decide what is the best based on your own personal preferences. All of the places on this list may be thought of as equals (though as Orwell said, some are more equal than others).
Anyway, here they are, organized by borough.
The Bronx
I have yet to find a definitive place there, and not for lack of trying. There's Full Moon Pizza in Little Italy that is so much like a Ray's that it should be called Famous Original Full Moon Pizza. Zero Otto Nove, also in Little Italy, was a trendy pick in the recent past. Fresh ingredients, real tomatoes, civilized proportions...in other words, it's a place that appeals to the New York Magazine crowd and not so much to the Mike Coast crowd (a one person crowd, I admit). There's also a slice place called Tommy's in Throg's Neck that's a hike to get to and falls just short of being worth it. It's good,but not worth the trip. If I ever move to Throg's Neck, though...
Staten Island
So, nothing in the Bronx is worth the hike (and if you think I'm wrong, please correct me. I'd love to find a great place up there). Staten Island, on the other hand, has several that are worth the Subway, Ferry, Bus trifecta.
Joe & Pat's - Staten Island has long been known as the place where wealthy Italians go to buy McMansions and indulge all their gaudy whims (don't worry, I'm 1/8 Italian. By Seinfeld rules I can say these things (for future reference, I am also allowed to make fun of the Irish and Polish in similar fashion)(Also, I'm not saying that all Italians are gaudy. Just the ones on Staten Island)). That's why it's so odd that the one thing that's not completely over-the-top there is their pizza. Joe & Pat's is delicate in taste and composition. The crust is famously cracker thin and just slightly crispy. This is the type of place where you'll see a Little League team celebrate after a big win and you'll grow immediately jealous that they get to come here and you had to go to Pizza Hut (not to trash Pizza Hut. I have indulged in their lunch buffet many times. But a Joe & Pat's lunch buffet...holy shit).
Da Nino's - I've only been there once but it was great. There is a great ice cream place right across the street as well. There is a school of thought that this is the superior pizza place. And yes, I just used the word "school" in reference to a place on Staten Island.
A&S Pizza - So, it's not the best in the world. Just a small slice place. But, it's right by the ferry for those people that are afraid to take the bus into Staten Island's Heart of Darkness. It also has a soft spot in for me because of the "Ass Pizza" moniker that has since been attached to it. I'm probably underselling it right now because it's actually quite good. If you just want to ride the ferry for an up close, poor man's view of the Statue of Liberty it's certainly worth stopping here before you turn around and sail back to civilization.
Queens
A quick disclaimer. Queens is fucking huge. I have by no means tried everything. Not even close. And most of the one's I've been to are of the one off variety. A&J, out in Forest Hills has an exceptional Grandma slice. But how often do I find myself in Forest Hills? There are a couple places that had pleasant slices, but nothing that I can really remember. So there's only like two on this list and they're both in Astoria. Lame, I know.
A&J - Fuck it. Go to Forest Hills. Their sauce is delicious and chunky and sweet and it's piled on top of a regular square slice. It's also Hank Azaria's favorite pizza. If it's good enough for Apu, Chief Wiggum, and Agador Spartacus, it's good enough for me.
Michael Angelo's - Hidden away on a sidestreet somewhere in the far end of Astoria. They have a pizza called the Sophia Loren that has a different taste every bite. And though the fresh mozzarella/fresh tomatoes combination may sound healthy, there is enough olive oil dumped on top to make it sufficiently greasy and drippy.
Rizzo's - Yes. My personal favorite square slice place (the only rival to that throne appears later in the list). The cheese and sauce are both different than regular pizza. I'd describe them in detail, but I'm not a food critic. I am an awesomeness critic. And Rizzo's is awesome. They have also stuck to serving RC Cola. Oh, and they will often give you a free slice if it's your first time there. Like I said, awesome.
Manhattan
Ignore anything that's a chain. Any Patsy's where the majority of the neighborhood doesn't speak Spanish, any Totonno's where you can't hear a rollercoaster while you're eating, any variation of Ray's (fine for lunch or whatever, but you're not doing yourself any favors by going there), Sbarro, La Famiglia, Two Brothers...just ignore them. Also, Artichoke is burned crap that is trying way too hard to produce a DiFara's knockoff. Never have I gone there and thought to myself "Wow! That wasn't disappointing at all!"
Lombardi's - The original great pizza place. It's crowded and expensive and follows the golden rule of Little Italy (Authentic Italian Food Cooked by Mexicans), but I've never had anything less than great pizza there.
Patsy's - The one in Spanish Harlem. The best pizza on the island of Manhattan (and it ain't close). The crust is the thinnest imaginable and yet if you look at a slice from the side you can still see that it's slightly bubbled. I once went there by myself, ordered a large pie, downed it in one sitting, and got applauded by a bunch of old people. I'm also afraid to put any toppings on these because the crust is so goddamn thin I'm afraid that they will fall right through.
John's on Bleecker Street - Good old-fashion coal oven goodness. Cash only. Delicious. Reasonably priced. Pictures of celebrities awkwardly standing next to the owner. Walls devoted to Italy and to Astronauts. It's everything a pizza place should be.
Joe's - Slice place by the W 4th St. Subway station. Spiderman worked there in one of those movies. If a space alien landed on Earth and said "I have heard tales in the Andromeda galaxy of this thing you humans call New York style pizza. Not Neopolitan or Sicilian mind you, but just a New York thin crust slice. Take me to a place where they serve an example of this and I will spare your otherwise useless planet," you would take him here.
Bleecker Street Pizza - Umm, you could probably take that alien here as well. Looks fairly unassuming except for all the awards and shit on the walls. They also have much more variety than Joe's, if that's your thing.
Sal & Carmine's - The saltiest pizza on Earth (I'm pretty sure it's because of the cheese they use and not that they just dump salt on top). The "Sal" of the namesake died the same day as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Or maybe it was "Carmine." Either way, the one that's still alive continues to make great pizza that requires a drink on the side.
Brooklyn
The pinnacle of pizza. If you at all enjoy dough, sauce, and cheese cooked together in an oven, you are required to eat at all of this places. That's not to say that all the places in Brooklyn are incredible. After first visiting the much-hyped Lucali, I remember quipping that "Lucali" must be Italian for "Amateur Hour." (Hilarious, I know). There are a couple good places in Red Hook, but they are not good enough for me to remember their names (one is something like Amanti's and the other is something like Rocky Sullivan's or some other Irish/Italian hybrid). There are also plenty of slice places like My Little Pizza and Sal's that I'm basically glossing over. I'm sure there are hidden places in Bensonhurst that I'm not aware of. I'd also be remiss if I didn't confess to often getting a Hot 'n' Ready $5 pizza from the Little Caesar's in Bushwick.
Grimaldi's - The be-all-end-all. It's worth waiting in line, it's never short of transcendent, and it has the best pepperoni in the world. Some people think Grimaldi's is overrated. Those people are stupid and should learn to like a different food.
DiFara - One of the great conundrums of the pizza world. Is it worth going to Midwood, wading through Hassidic Jews, waiting forever, and getting insanely frustrated for pizza that costs a small fortune? Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but I no longer think that it is. However, if you've never been it's a must. Get while the old guy Dom is still alive. Much like pledging a fraternity, it's the best thing that you never want to do again (Well, I'd actually go through pledging again in a heartbeat. Hazing = Life).
Totonno's - The best food that Coney Island has to offer. Fuck Nathan's. The pizza is great, of course. The real treat here is the rude (and borderline malicious) wait staff. If you walk in and get yelled at, don't fret. It's part of the experience. In all likelihood, there will be a 180 turn within minutes where they say something really tender and poetic about feeding the seagulls with leftover pizza crust. It's like eating dinner with your abusive, manic-depressive family.
L&B Spumoni Gardens - Remember how I alluded to the only real rival to the Rizzo's square slice monopoly? This is what I was talking about. I've been here three time and that's not nearly enough. People from Bensonhurst hate when this place gets brought up because they don't want their secret to get out. There is also an ice cream place attached that is about as good as their pizza. Also, I'm pretty sure it's the only place on this list with its own parking lot.
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That's all I can think of offhand. Hope this wasn't too tedious to read.
Mike Coast
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